Neighbour: “Can I ask you the obvious question?”
Me: “Sure!”
Neighbour: “Are you pregnant?”
MONDAY. Eight o’clock in the morning. Rolling from a fabulously productive and healthy weekend, my face turned white as a ghost, following to a reddish shade of anger.
“That is NOT a question to ask a former bulimic,” I replied, haughtily.
Scrambling to defend her inquiry, (NOT offering apology), this wealthy housewife, an outdated, chubby, physical version of Mary Stuart Masterson’s character from ‘Some Kind of Wonderful,’ was quickly silenced, clearly shocked with my abruptly confident, “I shall NOT discuss this with you. Good day.”
Promptly dispatching text messages, to three European girlfriends, citing the exact discussion, I continued onward in my jaunt with Gwendolyn. On my healthy game, I was fired the hell up, not believing this woman’s accusation to be relevant! Quite pleased at my reaction, or lack thereof, I was also overjoyed with that of my friends. It truly is ‘some kind of wonderful’ to have girlfriends who get it.
Girl One: “Are you serious? What a fucking uncivilised moron!!! I’m expecting a similar question sometime soon. Emailing you right now. x x x”
Girl Two: “Let’s kill her!”
Girl Three: “Really!!! Damn. Did you hit him/her with a baseball bat?”
Real girlfriends are forever…
Breakfast, Monday, eleven o’clock in the morning…
And the rest of my food between then and now is unmentionable. Deplorable. Not my normal fare.
“What the hell? I’m pregnant. Might as well fucking eat!”
“I’m so hungry. I’m clearly pregnant. This food is justified.”
“There’s no other explanation for my disgusting body. I’m pregnant. What’s for dinner?”
And I ate. More calories than usual. All vegan and very pricey. Not a binge of any sort. But just without structure. Without control. Without a plan for nourishing that which is my body. My head could think only of the next meal. I require organisation for happiness. For kindness. And my nasty attitude reminded me of those old bulimic days. In a deep, dark, dirty slump, I went from, “Okay, a fat neighbour with an 80s hairstyle questioned if I’m pregnant. She’s jealous. Whatever. And I hope that her husband cheats on her.” to “I am suffocating in my skin!!! I hate my fucking body!!! I’m so ugly!!! I hate myself for getting this way!!! I am a big fat bitch!!!”
So I googled images of women, pregnant at five months.
Analysing everything about their bodies, I realised that it could be true for me, too.
I DO NOT WANT HUMAN BABIES.
Not only do I NOT want human babies, but I HATE Sir Henry, with all of my heart. To think that I could possibly be carrying the child of a pig, resulting from a faked orgasm? Fat for what? Yes, Sir Henry, I know that you are reading this. I hate you, and I would never share a baby with you.
Pregnancy test one, taken Tuesday night. Negative. Congratulations to me. SO, in celebration, I had the Last Supper. The supper before the structure.
It was delicious. But when I eat this genre of food, unless I have practiced yoga for seven consecutive days, I am not mindful. I am sloppy. Wine belongs with such a gorgeous dish, yet I did not boast the patience or thoughtfulness to appreciate wine.
Diet Ginger Ale as my beverage choice?
Disgusting.
Trashy.
Such a culinary manic state involves me shuffling the food contents onto my plate without rhyme or reason. My food does not even pose properly for photographs!
Wanting to vomit after feeding my non-yogic body, I apprehended my body with my mind. Gwendolyn, curled up behind my legs, snoring like a loving baby, reminded me of the promise. Two years and five months without Bulimia. A lifetime without Bulimia it shall be. So we fell asleep to Love Actually. Peacefully.
Wednesday morning at 5am, however, was terror. Snapping photographs of my naked body, in every which way, I could not believe that I allowed such an insignificant person, an ugly, fat, unfashionable neighbour, to screw up two entire days of existence. Two days that could otherwise have been spent in happiness, correcting my body whilst living a sparkling life.
She caused harm to my body. She caused harm to my head, prompting me to think that others are thinking that I am pregnant. She caused me to waste $18.99 on a pregnancy exam. She caused me to waste these moments writing such an epic WIAW. She wasted my energy.
Here I am, moments after being questioned on my state of pregnancy:
Judge my fat, that’s fine. It is hereby in the extreme, revised process of rectification. I am writing a book. It is called, “Earning My Yoga Body, Again.” It shall be published in September of 2013. By me.
And yes, both tests proved as negative. Thank fucking ‘God.’
What did I eat Wednesday? My first day of modern, post-bulimic restriction?
And this.
That is all.
I declined nourishment on Wednesday because I feel that ‘detox’ is necessary from Monday and Tuesday’s consumption of upscale garbage. Going forward? I shall resume my diet from 2011. One nutrition bar in the morning. One nutrition bar in the afternoon. Perhaps an apple or pear to compliment. Two martinis. Wine on weekends. And here’s the shocker: After three months of veganism, I shall become a fish devouring female again. Raw fish. My body reacts well to it, and I want it, as of today. Additionally, for dinner, I shall consume hunks of tofu dipped into salsa. And luau salads.
Daily caloric counts shall exist between 1,100 and 1,300 on weekdays/Saturdays; 1,700 and 1,900 on Sundays. Until further notice.
I hereby endorse restriction. The end justifies the means.
I shall, indeed, earn back my yoga body.
So let it be written. So let it be done.
What do you think about my endorsement of restriction?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011, 2012.
I think it’s heartbreaking that you let her comment send you spiraling back into your disorder. You’re stronger than that, woman!!!!!!
Dieting in an organised format is disordered?
Your neighbour is just a hater. She read your blog and tried to hurt you the only way she knew she could. Do NOT let her win. Not by overeating nor by restricting. (Figuratively) slap that b**: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi6gZVG-MJU
Hahahahahahaha! Oh, Sonja! This made me laugh so so hard! I love Jason Segel and would marry him! We both love the Muppets. BTW, my mother? Last night? She said the SAME exact thing. “That bitch reads your blog, and she was just trying to hurt you; and you allowed her to succeed.” Love you! :D
I would so marry him too!!!!! There are not many men who could steal me away from Geert, but the combo passion + humor = hubba hubba
You asked me about my relationship with Geert a while back and if that it would compare to that of Chandler and Monica, I would rather say that of Marshal and Lily. oj, I watch too much tv.
I have only viewed a few episodes of the new Doogie Howser (that Jason Segel series!), so I think that is to what you are alluding! I am so happy that you are my friend! Most 30-year-olds/persons of our age were ‘cool’ then have recently become ‘boring’ because of families and babies. We, on the other hand? We’ve ALWAYS been dorky (but pretty) and have remained dorky (in a Sylvia Plath poetic sort of way) and pretty (well, at least you). I LOVE IT. You make me feel ‘normal’ in the way that Tom Cruise says to Renee, “You complete me.” :) Love vous!!! xoxoxo
“How I Met Your Mother” (where the clip came from) love it, love it, must see!!!
I’m the coolest kind of dorky there is :D
Well, number 1, I think we need to grasp that fact that Nic-con and Swindle-lyn are *not*, in fact, required reading for the entire world. Alexa puts its ranking at a paltry 3,377,246th. So…if this neighbor actually *did* know about this sad little corner of the internet, it’s because Nic-con introduces herself as “Nicole Marie StoryIHaveABlogAboutMeAndMyDog” so she probably has her own share of the blame to shoulder.
Was this neighbor meddlesome? Yes. Was she obnoxious? Yes. Did she have a hurtful agenda? Perhaps. Which leads to the question: What is it about Nic-coin that brings out the worst in people? Could it be that her self-presentation with all this haughtiness and egocentricity brings this on? I’m thinking maybe so.
Here’s an interesting question: Did this neighbor hear what she interpreted as morning sickness going on through her bathroom wall?
Hahahaha!
She knows about my blog because I handed her my blog business card in August of 2011.
xo Nicole Gekko ;)
you’re not dorky, you’re unpleasant and unlikable ;-)
or maybe she just looks pregs? idk I can’t speak b/c nikki doesn’t post pics. I’m going to go on assuming she’s lollipop because that’s perfect, and nikki never fails.
I appreciate that. :)
Lollipop heads shall never go out of style.
Hi Nicole,
First of all. You are the cutest thing. Love your self portrait:) I think keeping within a certain calorie range is a necessary way of life. I’m a 40 year old go out to lunch with my friends often and out to dinner on the weekends person. I never thought once about a calorie until the age of 37. My size 14 jeans were not appealing anymore so I started counting calories…..lost 50 pounds. Now I watch my friends. Those of us that keep our calories within a normal range and exercise a bunch are fit and fabulous. My other friends that still eat like we are in college and try to work it off with exercise …..not fit and fabulous. Mostly chubby and annoyed! Americans in general eat waaaay too many calories. I call it counting calories, not restriction. It is necessary, especially the older we get! Forge ahead in a healthy manner and you will get your head on straight. P.s. Unless the person is on the way to the hospital and asks you to drive them, you NEVER ask a girl if she’s pregnant!! Duh!!
Girlfriend, you just brought the biggest smile to my face!!! Love love love!!!!!!!!! There’s another neighbour (not a housewife, but a VP for a huge sporting goods company), one that I spotted running yesterday. She’s a dedicated runner, yet she is chubby. I don’t get it. But your, “not fit and fabulous” is a perfect description for her. I believe that her athletic abilities and dedication to the sport of running should absolutely yield a more toned body. Family life and chicken BBQs have gotten the best of her, I think (or maybe she just has an eating problem, I don’t know, but I thought of her when I read your statement). For a former bulimic who writes about her “relationship” with food, I am crucified for “counting calories” and “disliking my fat” and doing anything remotely close to “dieting.” So your comment is tremendously appreciated because it’s real, it’s ‘normal’, and it’s made one yoga girl feel quite happy. Thank you. BTW, I just thought perhaps I was overly sensitive in never saying, ‘Congrats on your pregnancy’ because of my fat reservations… but it’s nice to know that a girl NEVER asks a girl if she’s pregnant. I had no idea that was the rule of thumb. My neighbour is a nasty witch who, btw, sucks at yoga. Ha ha. Congratulations on living a fabulous life, especially after that weight loss. xo
This other runner is probably what the rest of the world considers fit and healthy. Perhaps not “vogue”, whatever the hell that means. If it’s the person you showed the photos of earlier this year, I found her body to be aesthetically pleasing and (dare I say it?) normal sized. It’s not her body that’s whack-a-doodle, it’s your perception that’s whack-a-doodle.
And the president of the people has spoken!!!
JSG – let’s get nikki to start a forum so we can all connect!
That’s really important according to Gary Vaynerchuk’s book! I bet Nikki also supports Tim Ferriss! Right, Nikki?
We also seem to live on the same planet. I’m making chili this weekend (with beef!) and also tomatoes (not spaghetti sauce – how bougie!) and expect it to last through the winter (with only 3 cans of beans).
Don’t even ask for me to give you my homemade peanut butter recipe!!!!!!! It’s awesome!!!!
Tim Ferris, based on my quick google search, is everything that I stand against. The four hour work week? I even work during my slumber.
“She caused harm to my body. She caused harm to my head, prompting me to thinking that others are thinking that I am pregnant. She caused me to waste $18.99 on a pregnancy exam. She caused me to waste these moments writing such an epic WIAW. She wasted my energy.”
No, YOU did all of that. Not your neighbor.
Yep! I shall own it. But her words catalysed it. Mwah!
Boy, that whole new “I don’t give a fuck about what other people think” philosophy bit the dust pretty quickly. One rude comment, and **poof**…. You need some self-esteem. STAT.
Oh honey pie, I’m back. ;)
I hope you get some type of an intervention soon. You are so bad off. Your attitude, your tone, your “just being an asshole” dog owner. Get help. Soon. I’m sorry your family has not intervened, honestly. You are a BEAST. Merry Christmas, I hope you get inpatient treatment soon :-)
You are sorry that my family has not intervened? You do realise that I am a 30-year-old, yes? My family is my dog.
Oh, before we all go off stroking Nic-con and group-hugging and telling all our own stories about heartless people making insensitive comments which only we feel soooo deeply because we are all so exquisitely sensitive to our own well-self-loved bodies….let me interject two words here:
“Nicole? Condom.”
If this is too much to remember, write this with a wide-point Sharpie on your forehead for the benefit of whatever white or dark knight is about to apply the boink: “No glove, no love.”
There wasn’t a condom?
I don’t know, you tell us? If you had a condom, then a pregnancy test would be unnecessary, or do you need Just Some Guy to explain the birds and the bees to you?
Are condoms effective 100% of the time?
There was a breakage and you didn’t get the morning after pill then?
I figured that maybe the moron of an old man just didn’t recognise a problem. I don’t look at “it” because “it” is ugly to me. I trusted him. But I shan’t ever trust him again.
Nic-con,
You don’t look at “it”? “IT!?!?”
That whole sentence sounds like a 10 year old telling a friend she happened to see her brother coming out of the show.
Perhaps if you relaxed a little and considered the fact that there are enjoyable aspects to sexual congress….?
Call it as you fancy. It’s ugly.
What do I think of your endorsement of restriction? I don’t think of it. I did it and it ruined my life. Other people that I’ve met who have done it say the same thing. These were people being fed through feeding tubes. Of course, if you can walk the line, good for you. This is truly a blog about first world problems, if there ever was one.
My little love!
Whilst I’ve had a martini, I must confidently articulate that I yet do not own rights to your mailing address! You please must dispatch that to me, when you have time. :) Please.
AND, with regard to your comment, that which is fuelled by the pretty anorexic in you, I must refer you to my reply to Françoise. It is SPOT ON ACCURATE for what I desire to say to you, without the, “Honey! You don’t need to be a cheerleader for health because I totally get it, understand it, and probably did so whilst you were tossing your PB&J sandwiches of the elementary school years into the garbage” prose. – we, the ‘good’ EDs always did as much, during those early years, didn’t we? :)
Anyway! First World Problems? Indeed. Feeding tubes? Fuck that. A person who is weak enough to need feeding tubes should not be reading this blog. They should be appealing to your Obama. ;)
I love you. xoxoxo
This is not the first time you’ve gone out and bought pregnancy tests. Get yourself some birth control if you don’t trust your partners or their condoms. For someone who is so incredibly regimented, this should be a no brainer.
Also, if you don’t like sex, you don’t want “human” babies and hate the guy you are sleeping with…..um….do I even need to go in to how ridiculous it is that A) you have sex B) you have pregnancy scares and C) sleep over and over with a guy you hate.
I don’t like sex based upon experiences. Perhaps there’s a fellow in the world who can do it correctly? Who knows? But Henry? He’s the equivalent to hot Mac and Cheese with ketchup. Binge food. (I must cite Jessica @ AlmostOverNow for creating that perfect analogy).
I wonder if that is because you require (your words, not mine) such strict order and control in all aspects of your life. To really enjoy sex, I think you have to let go of all of that.
In any case, though I can understand the hot mac and cheese analogy and sleeping with someone who isn’t good for you (we’ve all been there!) I still don’t understand why you, again someone who is extremely controlling of very aspect of your life, would let someone else handle the birth control. Obviously, as you’ve said, it’s your body and your business but, since you are putting it out there as blog fodder, I had to comment on it.
I suppose, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t have minded giving him a kid because I thought that one day things would “work out.” I L worded the guy. I’ve never acted in that manner with another human. And now? It doesn’t matter anymore because I’ve gone cold turkey. Friend? Yes. But never again a lover. If I ever have the desire to love again, I shall be surprised.
My guess is that she was very purposely trying to hurt you. #1: A lady never ever asks another lady that question. Ever. And #2: She started the question with a statement claiming that it was “obvious”, so if it really was so “obvious”, why ask? Because she was deliberately trying to stir up trouble. You don’t ask a black person if they are black, you don’t ask a disabled person if they are disabled, and you don’t ask a pregnant woman if she is pregnant as all of these things are “obvious” and do not need to be asked. The one and only reason anyone would ask a question like that is to be a prick. It is also none of her goddamn business if you are or aren’t.
Oh man!!!!!!!!! I am so HAPPY that you are still reading my blog! I did NOT think that was the case! I felt that I had lost your readership (and maybe friendship – boo hoo), and that made me muy triste! :( But yeah! You are here. Estoy muy felíz, señorita!
So, you are totally right, at least I think so by 99 percent of my thinking capacity. This woman, I’ve always had an eerie feeling about her. She screams, “stinky soccer mom wearing birkenstock toes” to me and has always done so. She’s stared at me during yoga class when she couldn’t perform the 90+ chaturangas that my former teacher required. And something has always told me that her husband is one of those guys with a lingering eye during those President’s Club Sales Meetings in Puerto Rico holidays to which I was so accustomed to attending during those (not missed WHATSOEVER, even in my dreams) corporate american sales performance years (and I believe she realised that in me).
I only want to know one thing… How would YOU have responded to the ugly bitch?
Agreed.
If it makes you feel any better, I have been asked if I am pregnant for reasons not having to do with my figure/weight. If you seem emotionally different, or cranky, or have some vague “glow” about you, or any number of stupid things–people may ask if you are pregnant.
When I WAS actually pregnant, a coworker asked me in the bathroom before I even knew I was pregnant: “Are you pregnant?” Turns out she noticed I’d been wearing a lot of “flowier” dresses than normal (I didn’t realize this).
I can assure you I didn’t show at all (physically) until about 5 months. So who knows why your neighbor was asking if you are pregnant. It may very well not be your weight at all. That said, as you know, I get off on restriction, so restrict away if it makes you feel more in control. It is healthier than bulimia for sure if you have to choose one.
Ha ha ha! I, too, get off on restriction. This morning, during our 6:30am teleconference, my mother admitted that I sounded to be back on my game. My sister admitted that I sounded cocky, too. :D It’s 7:09pm on Thursday night, and all is well in restriction (non)-Hell. :)
Something within me still ‘wishes’ that I were prego because I would TOTALLY capitalise on the financial piece of this. I mean really, how much fatter and self lothing can I become within a four month remaining period? (paid for my Sir Henry who fucked up big time, of course? And yes, SH, you shall pay, bastard).
xoxoxo
PS: Congratulations on motherhood (if you oh so desire to be congratulated. I SO much crave to read the blog of an ED mother, so please write and publish, if you should ever feel compelled to do so). xo
Are there no ED mom blogs out there? Heck, I thought every corner of every market was tapped, blogwise! Maybe there’s an arena for me after all! ;)
Mine would be really boring though. “I ate the same thing I eat every day, then I worked out like a fiend and drank wine. Meanwhile, I made my kid normal food.” At 41 I’m too businesslike about my ED to be very interesting. I have little hope of changing my ways.
Oh Wendy! What you’ve just written? About eating the same thing everyday? About working out like a maniac? About feeding your kid normal food? And about drinking wine? TOTALLY INTERESTING to me. Tap that market, if only to provide me with interesting reading material. Ha ha!
I enjoy Dana’s blog: Sick Cycle Carousel. It’s the only ED mom blog that I know, and she’s only recently become a mother. And she’s so young. So although she’s been through the ringer, I crave to read from an older veteran. Someone from WWI, not from Vietnam. (I consider myself to be from WWII). Mwah! ;)
This woman clearly sucks, there’s nothing else to be said about that.
But I have to ask, why are you sleeping with this guy you hate so much?
For me, it was a challenge.
A nine year itch that no longer requires scratching.
And I won.
you really sound like an asshole. I was feeling sorry for you for a hot minute but you are an awfully shitty person. Keep doing you, it seems to be working out well :-)
Thank you for your well wishes.
Calm down. The reason she asked you could have nothing to do with your body. Maybe she overheard something or thinks you’re on a new health kick or saw you walking by the maternity section at Target. It could be anything.
I’m calmed. It took two days. But Nicole Marie Story is back. Don’t allow this story of Monday Tuesday woe to fool you. It is now Thursday. ;)
lol
nicole marie story eats THREE cans of beans in one sitting.
eww. gross.
VOGUE, indeed.
btw, satc ended a decade ago.
Nicole Marie Story eats that which fuels her body. If that is three cans of beans, then so be it. Why does that bother you?
For someone who hates mopey anorexics, it sure seems like you aspire to be one.
This article defines a plan for anorexia? How so?
Some thoughts:
Do not reduce your calorie intake. Your body will first lose weight, and then it will reduce its resting metabolic rate and then burn fewer calories, resulting in you needing to eat fewer foods to be at the same weight. And you will stop losing, too. I understand that you want a quicker solution. That’s what I did with the anorexia. In fact i ate 1000 calories during the week and 1800 on the weekend, still ended up at 75 lb…. Took 4 years for my metabolism to get normal again. I have a friend who eats 1100 calories a day, in “maintenance” mode, as she says. She’s having lots of trouble maintaining her weight at that small amount of calories, because her body is in starvation mode. You know all that already!
You have a beautiful, very cute face. You don’t look bloated and you have your normal (please read, as in “fresh” – i hate “normal” lol) glow. That woman had power over you. Don’t let her continue to have power over you. Brush her off. She is not worth your thoughts, and even less your actions. You are on the right track already. Eating a normal amount of food (before today), and working out, doing cardio and weight training. That is really all you need. Your body may take 5-6 months to adjust, but it WILL adjust and it will look the way you want it to look. Our bodies are like “paste”. I believe they are. The mind screws things up sometimes. The body is never guilty. :)
You are beautiful and you don’t, I repeat, don’t look pregnant.I have not seen you in person yet, but I have a powerful intuition. ;)
I love you,
Francoise
Hey my Nicolette!
I want to add more to my own comments. Lowering one’s calories always, always backfires. I understand that you hate the way you look now, but do not go for a fast weight loss. You will be happy, yes, but in the short term. Think long term! :) When i total your calories for the week, I get about 1250 or less. This is hardly your basic metabolic rate. That means your body/furnace won’t burn hot any longer and your body will start saving energy. You never want to get to that point. I am the queen of restriction and sorely regret my drastic calorie lowering strategies. Do not do it. Please! If you eat 1600 calories a day and continue on your yoga and cardio, you will lose weight. Guaranteed. Not as fast, maybe, but you will not be hungry, and you will not slow decrease your metabolic rate too much. The world is full of fat people who eat barely anything and are still fat, because they fucked up their metabolism. You are beautiful and you are thin, and you will stay thin, but don’t mess up with your metabolic rate. :)
Love love you!
Francoise
My dear petite pretty fashionable Françoise,
My mind has simply been BURNING with ideas on how to reply to your passionate comment!!! All day long whilst walking the doggies, I have been thinking and thinking and thinking! I just knew that you would offer just what you have offered because, well, I am a veteran in this ED world, too, so I know how the other girl thinks regardless if I align with their principles or not. SO, that said, I KNOW. I know the deal about metabolism. I know the deal about what restriction does to metabolism. And I know the deal about what restriction does to overall maintenance. But I also know what works for my body.
On the fourteenth of February, I celebrate commencement of my fourteenth year of that fateful diet, the one that turned into anorexia for six months which then turned into bulimia for 11.5 years, which then turned into the current state of former bulimia for 2 year, five months, and two days of counting. Which led my to friendship with you and every other gorgeous girl who has commented on this post.
I know what I’m doing.
Unfortunately, when I get to that perfect point of ‘restriction,’ (in the athletic stance) I always become just a little too comfortable, just a little too relaxed. And this time? At my perfect body (October 2011), I fucked it all up by stopping my yoga practice yet keeping my intake at status quo.
I’d rather be miserable with a low metabolism and with a thin body than be flabby and considered as pregnant. The pregnant thing aside, when I am confident, I am confident. If the bitch had made such a comment one year ago, I wouldn’t have reacted in this manner, I think. To me, looks are everything. I think that you can relate.
NOW, I shall tell you this. When I order my $30 plate of sashimi tonight, I shall not sit there and analyse the calories because, well, I don’t want to be scared off from my beloved (and oh so missed as of last night!) sashimi which will clearly take me over my established budget as dramatically communicated herein. At the end of the day, I am all about gorgeous dinners and alcohol. It’s how I celebrate life with my dog. It’s gorgeous. Thus, my idea of restriction is not the anorexic’s idea of restriction.
I don’t know if we were friends yet at this point, but at one particular WIAW when I was criticised for my intake of huge hunks of raw salmon, my friend Lady Georgiana interjected with dialogue with one of my haters, with something like, “You moron! Those salmon hunks contain at least 1,000 calories a piece.” That turned me against the salmon hunks because although I knew, in the back of my mind, that they contained such a huge figure, I ignored it, convincing myself otherwise because it worked for MY body. That’s what I did, too, with sushi and sashimi, and that’s what I shall do again. Heck, maybe in a week or two, I’ll be back to my high end hunks of salmon, too. We shall see.
At the end of the day, my tendencies are bulimic, not anorexic. I do not appreciate the bag of bones look; and I love food. It’s been this way, ever since becoming bulimic on 21 August, 1999. And it shall forever be that way. If I have a quota that has been unfulfilled, one better be damn sure that I shall fulfill it by way of consumption of something gorgeous. You are the only STRONG anorexic with whom I have ever been acquainted. You are not the crying baby on Oprah. You are not the Missy Miller. You are not the typical woe-is-me adult who behaves like a child. I think that is why we get on so well. You are completely embedded into my heart, and I am so grateful for you. And I hope that you shall be accepting of my reply to your gorgeous, kind commentary… or at least willing to discuss further.
So onto my next point. I did not write this article to appeal to the cheerleading/former anorexic/bulimic squad on health. You know that I know what is “right”, and you know that I shall not learn by listening; I shall rather learn by doing. And it’s been 14 years. So you shall not win this argument. That said, just know that I shall never put myself to the point of anorexia because I don’t have it in me. And I’m smarter than that, given my experience and desire to live vibrantly.
Furthermore, I personally do not counsel against Bulimia. As a Bulimic, in 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010, I maintained a fabulous weight and aesthetic. Mostly everything was purged. It made me happy. Sure, I suffered from periodontitis, near blindness, and many other serious items; but aesthetics, to me, came first. It made me happy. Bulimia worked for me until it didn’t any longer… until it didn’t work for Gwendolyn any longer. Thus, I am not the cheerleader against Bulimia. I am simply the objectivist fact provider of why Bulimia is bad. If one desires to be bulimic, then I shall not stand in their way, even with a simply “Rah rah rah, Bulimia sucks!”
I want to meet you. I want to meet Jessica. I want to meet Cassy. I want to meet Sonja. This year. In 2013. I shall not do so under thin pretenses. I shall do so under thin reality.
And when I get that body again, I shall not stop my yoga. That’s what works for me. My yoga is my metabolism. And I love it. I love you!!!!!!!!!
Bulimia gets an overrated rap–it’s bad, but it’s not like smoking crack or anything like that. I daresay it’s better than being obese, but that’s just me.
I love to restrict, love love love it, but I do agree that it can backfire. You may want to try adding weights to your routine. I used to be a cardio queen and now I’m doing weights and it is extraordinarily helpful. I’ve gotten down to below my lowest weight ever (like, EVAR, said Taylor Swift-style) that I reached in my life (back in college) and I haven’t suffered the same physical repercussions I did back then (hair loss, trouble sleeping, etc.). I am very compact right now and feel strong.
Yes!!! Your description about weights? When I am practicing yoga hardcore, I am in the same prime time physical condition that you’ve mentioned because the resistance of the body, at least for me, is the greatest weight of them all. I am long, lean, and strong. For three years of hardcore yoga practice, I did not lift a single weight. And I was in the best sprite-like body condition of my life. Currently planning an increase in my (business) rates so that I can cut back on clients so that I can create more time for yoga. I get so angry that I’m running 15+ hours daily with my company, that I’m SO exhausted for yoga, optioning for a martini! Ha ha. I shall find the time. I must. After all, I have a yoga body book that is scheduled for publishing in September. ;)
Nicolette, I would not, never be upset at you. I oddly understand your entire answer, even when you say that you prefer to be thin with a low metabolism than to be called pregnant. You need to do according to your highest sense of what is right for you and will make you happy. And I will support you along the way and continue to offer humble advice. I don’t want to see you unhappy, or hungry (;), or struggling. The body has strange ways to realign itself. I know you need the control, and restricting gives you that. I was there, and I am still there. In a way, I am restricting myself in order to stay at 1950 calories and not reach 2000 calories daily intake. Why 1950 calories and not 2000 calories? Some will not understand my reasoning, but I know you do.
Sashimi sounds yummy right now. :)
Love love you always, my dear, very dear friend
Francoise
YES. Oh my dear goodness!!!!!!!!! The 1950 restriction means SO much to me. I am all about numbers, as you know. I am so happy for your friendship, and guess what? If you’ve checked your email, I have decided to stay as vegan. The sashimi made me feel dirty; and I was sick last night. Sweating buckets and 100% ill around 3am. Not a pretty sight. I do not ever get sick. I get mopey when I feel fat, but not sick. Thus, I am vegan. Vegan vegan vegan. Mwah! :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
hey girl! can I still guest post while you’re on your lavish european vacations?
I ended guest posting when I fired Lady Georgiana and EDmund. My blog is my blog and shall reflect only my writings. But if you care to submit something that I can quote, you can email me by using the contact button in the upper left of my side bar. Thanks!
Yes, what happened to Lady Georgiana? Edmund was always a rather creepy douche but her posts were decent.
What about, “I ended guest posting when I fired Lady Georgiana and EDmund” did you not comprehend?
Whoever said ‘kill her’ in relation to your neighbour, they are right. I would like to strangle her, or else go after her with an axe, ‘The Shining’-style.
Just from the look of your face in that picture you look neither fat nor pregnant (seriously WTF!?! Who even asks people that any more unless they’re very obviously 8 months on and about to pop). I would probably eat that amount of calories too, if I had the willpower. But you also need energy for your business, your Puggle and all of your other demands. Just make sure you’re still on fighing form for those because I know how much you care about them, okay?
xxx
Do you consider yourself a Christian Lady, Sister Jessie? The Good Book, lo and verily, instructs us to turn the other cheek and I’m sad to read here, on my first visit to this demented, greed-worshiping, devilishly narcissistic site that your advice is most un-christian.
Oh, @Jessica! I LOVE LOVE LOVE you more than words can ever describe!!!!!!!!! (do you love my non-formally-educated usage of the @? LMFAO).
@ReverendJim, You have questioned if Jessica considers herself to be Christian. Okay. Merci beaucoup for joining the discussion! WHY do you NOT ask thyself the following question. “Do you consider yourself a Christian?”
Personally, I consider myself to be that which is proving by rational thought. Can Christianity be proven with rational thought? If so? You have the forum. Enlighten us, oh dear holy messenger of ‘Christ.’
I do not engage Agents Of Darkness in debate.
@Rev. Jim, What are ‘Agents Of Darkness’?
@Jess, Sorry for my stupid comment!… I was having a martini, ha ha! :D
Oh for fucksake “Rev.”
LOL there’s a bit of original trolling for a change. hahhaha
LMFAO!
Our dear reverend is also fondly known as Dr. Fraud MD at GOMI.
Don’t you love the creepy avatar? :D
I meant, did you two have a similar falling-out that inspired the ‘firing’ as you did with Edmund? I can understand why you wouldn’t want him involved in any way with your blog, but ‘fired’ is such a dramatic word, it makes me curious as to the (assumed) drama behind the scenes.
LG is my best friend.
Good, I’m glad. Everyone should have a best friend. :)
That is a very nice comment. Thank you. :)
The biggest faux pas one woman can make is to ask another woman if she is pregnant and your neighbor should be ashamed of herself.
There are many reasons why this is socially unacceptable, and I believe most women would react as you did (I know I would). My first thought would be, just as yours was, “Oh my God, I must look fat, why else would she ask that!”
I agree with the comment by TC, that there could be many reasons why she asked (and maybe she did do it deliberately, I dunno), but it doesn’t matter. That she asked is inexcusable, and I’m sorry you had a couple of bad days handed to you by a rude busybody, but I’m glad you moved passed it.
BUSYBODY!
The perfect description for this bitch!
When we meet in April or May, I shall share the remainder of the details!
I cannot freaking wait!!! :D
are you pregnant or do you have children, cassie? if not, why? you seem to have so much knowledge to pass on. lots of love to give ;-) tick. tick.
Cassy, be ashamed because your parents names you Cassie. Ew
And yours named you HUH? ?
LOL.
As one of my friends said, “you don’t ask a woman it she’s pregnant even if she’s crowning and you can see the baby’s head” (sorry for that visual)! Seriously, it’s rude and everyone knows that. And you don’t look at all pregnant.
It does make me quite sad that what your neighbor said was so hurtful to you. Don’t let one comment from one person change you so much.
MG, This means a lot. Thank you. I shall absolutely NOT allow “one comment from one person [to] change [me] so much” ever again. xoxoxo
Oooh, Reverend, you don’t even know the start of it. Jess is one of the good ones!
I think this blog needs an exorcism.
OMG. I viewed that in 1997, at a slumber party. I went to bed, passed out on pizza. Gorgeous fucking stuff-my-mouth-with-cheesy-pizza! The other girls stayed awake because they hadn’t been comforted physically by a binge like had I. ;) xoxoxo
First off, your neighbor is an a-hole. WTF kind of question is that?!?!
As for your question: “What do you think about my endorsement of restriction?”
I guess I am a little confused? Don’t get me wrong — if someone is fat, and they want to lose weight, then they need to eat less. But you’ve repeatedly mentioned (and I could be misunderstanding you here — apologies if so!) that your body is not as you’d like due to a lack of yoga. And I totally get that. I think that for any woman who is no longer a teenager, you really need some kind of resistance training to avoid looking flabby. There was a time when I was dieting but not exercising and I was thin but wobbly, I had a soft tummy pooch and “bingo wings”. So I can relate to being unhappy with your body, even if it is a thin body, if it is not firm and lithe.
I guess what I am wondering is, do you think that restriction is the answer here? You’re already so petite!
Dear Erica,
I wanted to wait until my martini (x2, x3) wore off before replying! But, a perfectionist, I desire to stay updated with my pretty commentators!!! Thus, here is my answer, “Do I think that restriction is the answer here?”
NO. Fucking no. I am NOT a restrictor by trade. I am a bulimic by trade. I WANT a relationship. I WANT company. I WANT to split 3 bottles of wine with a gentleman and gwendolyn and his dogs! I WANT that. But I DOUBT that I shall find that. Thus, it is me, Gwendolyn, and the blog! For which I am over-the-moon with happiness. But it would be lovely to have a strong fellow who wanted that something more. A challenging something more. BELIEVE me, Sir Henry is a billion-fuckking-aire in the making/inheritance/fund, but I don’t want his fucking money. I love him. I LOVED him. For a long time. I would have taken him as a poor shepherd in the forrest, but no longer (bc poor shepherds can also find their modern way, sticking their dicks into ugly girls, which he does).
End of story because I am late for an appoitment… so why do I think that restriction is important? Because it provides control. And I require control.
A client who is not accepting of control? They are not the client for me.
Mwah. x x x
So is that one and a half bottles apiece? Or one for you, one for the gentleman, and one for the dogs? I just pictured some weird version of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” but with dogs in the role of Nick and Honey. I’d pay to see that on stage.
I was liberal with that assessment.
I can drink one comfortably.
So perhaps 1.25 for him.
I love your passionate reply!
But I think I may not have been clear, I was just asking if restriction is needed or if yoga is more effective in getting the body you want :-)
As a practice I don’t comment on WIAW posts, but this one is so very much NOT about food. I am not even sure it matters why the neighbor asked you that question, I honestly don’t care if she did it intentionally to upset you, to make herself feel better or because she truly thought you were. Women just don’t ask that question and they especially don’t preface it with “obvious.” It is so hard not to let comments like that upset us. I am not sure I would have had a different reaction if someone asked me that question, I am sure I would have hit the carbs pretty hard. I don’t know if it was just that day that you hadn’t done yoga yet or if you took another break, but I think focusing on yoga (along with your impressive dog-walking responsibilities) you could feel more centered and care even less about what this horrible person said.
Now about your restriction….do whatever the fuck makes you feel better. It is not like you are restricting to 500 calories a day. You are hitting towards a fine caloric intake, which I know you already know. I would just say that if you are hungry then you should eat, simply because you want to keep your metabolism up (which again, you already know). Eat fish if you want to eat fish, it does amazing things for your skin and hair. My basic message is always do what makes you happy. There is such a stigma for people like us when we try to make changes to what we eat and how we look, but seriously we are just human (expectional humans, but human all the same). So do what makes you happy and feel healthy, because life it way too short to worry about how the haters are going to judge us.
xxxxxxxxxLiz
LOVE it, Liz. Love love love. How does such a simple message make me feel so damn good and empowered?! Is this the kind of advice that you offer during your therapy sessions? Because, if so, sign me the fuck up. Do you find it easier to actually write your recommendations? Or do you offer the same intellect and consideration when verbally conversing with a client? Because if you can do the latter, then I absolutely tip my hat to you (or curtsy, because that’s what pretty girly girls do, haha).
How I respond depends on who I am talking too and how comfortable I think they would be with my answers. Sometimes I find it easier to type my thoughts because then I don’t get interrupted and I can re-read to make sure my message comes across the way I want it to. But I would have said the same thing to you in person with this. Typing and putting my thoughts on paper/computer screen comes easier to me right now because I am still new at the counseling thing. Since I work with kids I find that in person I sometimes have to restate my thoughts. But either way I put across my messages, the same ideas are there.
I salute you for working with kids! Anyone under the age of 17 intimidates me, especially the ones under seven.
Nicole! (exclamation point added for emphasis)
You already know what I think of your obtuse neighbour so there is no reason for me to re-state here…
What do I think of your restriction though?
I do not endorse restriction, nor do I endorse excess. But when I envisage restriction, I immediately jump to calories well below 500 per day as that is what I subsisted on for many years.
However, 1200-1900 calories with a healthy vegan diet does not make for “restriction” the way my brain interprets it. Sure, it may be below your BMR, however, in order to lose a little weight one must always manage their caloric intake and I believe that I will be managing mine for the rest of my life. I do not think it’s odd to know how many calories one consumes in a day, nor do I think it’s unusual to limit calories for the purposes of weight loss.
I would still rather see you eating many more fresh vegetables than processed food bars. 1200 calories of fresh salads with spinach, roasted beetroot, caramelised onion, vegan “fetta”, pine nuts and a balsamic vinegar is going to be much more nourishing, nutrient rich, and higher in fibre; all very good things for your body. Or something with a mixutre of different types of lettuce, multi-colour tomatoes, baby cucumbers, and fresh asparagus with a squeeze of lemon juice, salt and cracked pepper. Or a hot and spicy vegetable soup with carrots, tomato, squash, cauliflower, chilli…….. you get the point ;) Your yoga body will thank you for it!
But, as you know, I’m also a firm believer in “each to their own” and while I couldn’t live on processed bars and chia drinks (though I love chia seeds sprinkled on my salads)… how you eat is your choice, based on how it makes your body feel. You must eat to feel strong, but none of that requires consumption of excessive calories.
I do get amused by the way you “consult” your readers, in part because the language you use is so emotive and full of passion that it is sure to divide people on any particular issue and make them respond with equal emotion which I’m sure is the intent and also because I know that you are your own person; you know your head and your heart and nothing anyone says here will change your mind :) And neither it should. So live in a way that is uplifting to your spirit, laugh with joy when gwendolyn accidentally inhales snow and sneezes, love yourself and your body with its strength and agility and practice yoga! xo.
Dear Yoga Girl,
If I had a personal chef, then I would absolutely eat in the manner which you have suggested. Exactly in that manner! Alas, I do not. And I do not have the patience to concoct such meals. The lettuce would be consumed before arriving home from the grocery, ha ha! For now, nutrition bars work for me. It’s what I used upon going cold turkey from bulimia, and it’s what I know shall work at this moment in my life.
And yes, when I consider my plan as one of “restriction,” it too makes me chuckle because although I boast the Bulimic tendencies before that of an Anorexic, I think that my mind is about 15 percent of an Anorexic’s due to my very early-on experience. Furthermore, for 11.5 years, when trying to “cure” my bulimia, each day began with a 500 or less calorie plan. And I failed. Each day. So I do chuckle a bit because I know that anorexics everywhere are reading my blog, saying, “What the fuck.”
Yoga. Yes. Yes yes yes.
Thank you for submitting this comment. I am certain that the obnoxious replies from JSG and HUH? are daunting; and I do hope that you’ve not subscribed to updates on this post! Ha ha :)
xo
Yes, I will admit that my meals are time-consuming to prepare! But the way they make me feel is worth it. I think I get as much satisfaction from the preparation as I do from the consumption, because I’ve actually spent time making something that I know is going to be nourishing and fulfilling to me, and EXACTLY to MY taste. I don’t get nearly as much satisfaction from eating something that comes out of a packet for the obvious reason that it is only a poor substitute for what I actually wanted to eat but simply because of time constraints, I was required to compromise.
As for subscribing to updates…ha! No, never :) I always come back and read at my leisure but I could never subscribe because as I said earlier – the way you write is sure to divide people, and they get either passionate about their replies or just plain snarky and I don’t need that clogging up my pretty un-cluttered inbox! It is awfully funny to me though so I still scan through whilst rolling my eyes and tut-tutting ;) Haha. Love. xo.
Unlike yours, my inbox is MOST unpretty. ;)
Mwah to you!
From my pretty martini. :) xo
What do I think? I think it’s your life and your body. You know what you are doing. It’s not like you are going to starve yourself. To me it’s not all that different from counting points on weight watchers (which I need get back to doing). As long as you are happy and able to take care of Gwendolyn.
As far as your neighbor’s question…if I lived near you I would suggest lighting dookie (spelling) bombs in front of her door and running like crazy (after you move, of course).
Believe me, girlfriend, the neighbour has not heard the last of NicoleAndGwendolyn. ;)
What a fucking whore.
This comment made me laugh so hard!
A fucking whore, indeed. :)
I agree with above- no one should ever ask anyone if they are pregnant period.
That being said- I do think neighbor be crazy cause you sure as heck don’t look pregnant!
I think she just crazy, you look gorgeous and put this right behind you girl!
Screw the neighbor And go on with your fabulous self!!!!
Xxoo
Yeah, well, I think screwing the neighbor is pretty much what got all this drama kicked off in the first place. So maybe ix-nay on the ewing-scray for the time being.
Not my neighbour.
@Jennifer, Loving the energy of your comment! Thank you so much for it! I have, indeed, screwed the (ugly) neighbour; and I am moving forward gorgeously! xoxoxo
Hi Nicole,
Wanted to jump in and comment (to you and to the other commenters) that I completely understand what you’re saying about having bulimic but not anorexic tendencies. I’m the same way. For example, I know the weight I need to stay at (or above) to have energy and to get my period, and I make sure I don’t go below it.
I think that if your food plan works for you, then it’s what you need to do. When I’m making an effort not to purge, I tell myself that it’s okay to eat whatever “feels right” that I know I won’t purge, and it doesn’t have to make sense for anyone else. (That said, I try to eat healthy.)
My point is that I think your food plan, while less than you have been eating, is based on what feels right for you, so I totally understand and support you. I hope I made sense.:)
By the way, your neighbor sucks.
Lea, Am out and about, in the cold rain with dogs, and your comment (plus Sergey Rachmaninov’s Concerto No 2 in C minor on Pandora) has brought warmth to my body. We get each other. Totally. And my neighbour does, indeed, suck. Thank you for this lovely comment. :)
I think we do get each other. I’m going to e-mail you and tell you a little more about myself. :)
I received your email and LOVE it.
I shall be replying shortly!!!
Well, Nic-con, your provocative title and usual cringe-worthy “replies” to commenters seem to have accomplished your goal: raising page views after that flop of a giveaway post. Kudos on that.
What can you throw up here now (pun intended) to top the banner “Pregnant”? Bated breath, etc.
But we have learned some things. For example, you can’t look at or even say “penis”; you have a 6:30 AM family “teleconference” in which females (not in your family since your dog is your family) inquire if you’ve managed to make it through another night; you allow random people to jerk you around with a simple question; you get drunk and post shit; you can “easily handle” an entire bottle of wine (hello alcoholism). And, by the way, if I were you I’d avoid becoming an alcoholic because someday you might end up going to AA and, from what I’ve seen of your slash-and-burn tactics with other people, you wouldn’t have enough time in three dedicated lifetimes to get done with steps 8 and 9.
Hahahaha! Cite me as an airhead, but what in the hell does Ni-con mean?
Oh, Nic-con. Question stands.
Nicole + con-artist = “Ni-con”
Gwendolyn + swindle = “Swindlyn”
In my mind, this moniker reflects your new life-plan (as opposed to last week’s life-plan or next week’s) to become rich via conning people into coming to visit your blog and clicking on ads, providing page views, becoming “friends” on FB or followers on twitter in order that you might send them a box of candy bars. You know…the Internet Con.
Hahahaha! I love it!
But wait, isn’t a con artist deceitful? When have I ever denied that my blog is for profit?
Nicole- Do you know “Just Some Guy?” He seems like a major stalker. Creepy.
I would LOVE to answer that question. So many ideas pop into my head; but at the day’s end, I think it’s that former blogger named ‘Scarlet.’
BZZZZZZZZZZT!!! Oh, I’m sorry. That is incorrect, but thank you for playing.
I’m half tempted to fly to you town and drive to your coordinates. You’ve done THAT good of a job creating mystery. I bet that would make for a fabulous post. What do you think?
*** After I lose a few more pounds, of course.
Don’t be jellies, Mel. If you were as big a whack-a-doodle as our Nicole, you’d probably get more attention.
Don’t insult my friends. Thanks!
Your neighbor sounds like a giant snatch whore. To hell with her and don’t you ever listen to her jealous face again!! HOW did I miss the post about Sir Henry?! UGH that must have been my MIA week on the blog world! Thank JESUS you are not pregnant with a demon seed. Human children belong wherever they come from, NOT in my world..or yours!
I think that your day of lighter eating is justified. Some days I eat enough to power a small horse, and others I balance it out with minimal hunger and eat very light. While your meals are a little lighter than I could have handled, if it worked for you then good. You won’t die overnight by eating less one day!
I feel like I am reading sacred words of gorgeous wisdom when I read your commentary! Are you 100% certain that you’re really aged early 20s? Because, hot damn! You certainly own your life, and you say exactly what goes through my mind, with a hilarious twist! And I love it! The reason that you missed the Sir Henry post is because you were not yet my stalker and vice versa. :) ‘Bad Sex’ was posted in October of 2011. Your first comment appeared in November of 2011: See: Refrigerator of a Former Bulimic. xoxoxo Mwah!
Hey there,
First time commentor but wanted to reply to your inquiry above about a blogging ex-bulimic momma. She just recently posted about being bulimic for 6 years during her highschool/college years and how life is so different on the other side of “recovery”. I know you’re not crazy abou that term but I don’t know what other word to use. The woman Nici, author of this blog, appears to be living a very healthy ED free life. Just wanted to throw out her blog link if you’re interested http://www.digthischick.net/2012/12/discovery.html.
Also, don’t let words have so much power over your life and self worth. I know it’s a cliche quote but it’s so true and applicapable to your post “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” -Eleanor Roosevelt
Hi. I did a quick click-over to Nici’s blog, and to me, her words say, “I shall always maintain bulimic tendencies, yet I am so busy with my family and running and making a small commission from listing my favourite products that I do not have time for bulimia.” Divorce or trauma? I bet things would be different. She’s thin and pretty. Definitely thin and pretty. Thank you for sharing the link and Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote. Although her husband brought socialism and entitlement to America, I respect her for being so powerful during a time when women were not.
Hi again :)
Thanks for your reply. In response to you I just wanted to say that I’ve been following Nici’s blog for a few years now and she has faced several traumatic circumstances in her life one being that she almost lost her second child to illness within her first few weeks of life. No, she didn’t die fortunately, but her writing is clear that it was a severely traumatizing event in her life. She’s also faced other unfortunate life circumstances that she’s written about as well, but my whole point is just that maybe when she says that her days of bulimia are “old and boring” and a past life she’s moved beyond are truly just that. I don’t see that she is just one traumatic life event away from slipping back into the grips of bulimia. I’m sure that she will never be 100% free from her ED, as are anyone that but I do believe shes not struggling with it. I will say that this is the first post she’s ever actually written about her former bulimic self and maybe has briefly mentioned it before a handful of times. The majority of her writing is about her sewing business, art, gardening,love for her family, and life. I’m not some person who is promoting this woman’s blog, I don’t even know her. I just am trying to give you hope that there is a possibility that your ED days could be as well to you “old and boring” one day. Not saying by any means you haven’t come a very long way, clearly you have which is insanely awesome. I hope to see in time your posts to be less about ED (even though I know that’s a major part of this blog and how it came to be) and more about who you are as a person and the great things you bring to this world.
I really like your reply. Thank you for it.
It sounds to me that Nici is a fabulous person, and it’s lovely to connect with a blogger, is it not? I don’t know her history, but for me, the Bulimia was not the focus of my life. Ever. It simply existed. It was my second job, maintained in the peripherals to that which made me successful as a human being. To my jobs. To my education. And to my mothering of Gwendolyn. I never once, until 4 July 2010, allowed Bulimia to affect my performance at life. And when it did affect my performance? By harming Gwendolyn? I said goodbye to it. I shall NEVER be Bulimic again. So although Nici might claim that it’s old and boring, that does not relate to me. For me? It doesn’t need to be classified as old and boring because it simply does not exist and never shall exist again. I do not feel the need to categorise Bulimia as anything. In fact, if a person is Bulimic, I do not counsel them against the Bulimic actions. Bulimia kept me thin for a few years (toward the end when I successfully got rid of most of it). It made me happy. I do, indeed, write about how I suffered from periodontitis, terrible vision, bla bla bla. By writing about the reality (rather than the emotions), I am appealing to reality. I am not emotionally invested in anyone but me, my close friends, and my parents/sisters.
Here’s the thing. When NicoleAndGwendolyn.com is no longer about dogs and eating disorders, then it shall cease to exist. It is not a dear diary, this is my life, bla bla bla. It shall not evolve. That is why I own NicoleMarieStory.com. When I selected NicoleAndGwendolyn.com, it was specifically for the subjects that are currently featured.
Thank you for making me think! I hope you like my reply, but if you shan’t, it will simply be reality. :) xo
What I wonder with all this: if you gave her your card and she made the comment to get a reaction, what does this post do for her? Even if it kills you to keep quiet, I think it beats the reward of giving her the reaction she wanted. Just a thought.
And a little more calorie restriction in this country could be used. As a health care professional, I cannot express how many people are obese and the many illnesses around them I have to treat. It’s a waste of resources and usually futile.
Anyway, I was wondering if you use supplements at all? I find it impossible to get the RDA of everything and not get carried away with overeating. (I’ve recently decreased my intake from about 2300 to 1700 because I haven’t been able to work out like usual.) What do you do?
Hi, Maria! I gave her my card OVER one year ago. When I write blog articles (then and now), I do not write blog articles with mindfulness of others. I do not care if my articles are “triggering.” (wah wah says the anorexic cry babies). I do not care if my articles are “giving her the reaction she wanted.” I write articles because they are relevant to me. And by the looks of this comment forum, they are relevant to others, too.
What do I do? I own a dog walking business. Have just emerged from a 19-hour day of dog walking in the rain; and I am fucking exhausted! But, no matter how much cardio a girl does, she will be fat if she does not incorporate resistance training into her regimen. Yoga is my resistance.
I’m curious – how has your recent reduction affected your body? Your mind? Do you boast an anorexic or bulimic past which, in my opinion, could more intensely impact your reduction experience than it would if you were just a civilian?
Fair enough about not withholding.
I’ve been following your blog for a couple months now, when I asked about “what do you do?” it was in regards to supplementing if anything? Just wondering how supplements work in the anorexia/bulimia world.
Can I pick vagabond instead of civilian or bulimic/anorexic? My recent reduction has more to do with the chaos in my life surrounding other things–I just don’t WANT to eat. 1700 is actually high-balling it. I’ll eat just enough to make the burn stop. It feels good to not eat. But I’m not standing in the mirror thinking that I’m fat and ugly, I don’t worry about salad dressings or enjoying a Hershey’s kiss. Last month I was a four, but now I’m a comfortable two. I’m swimming in my clothes because four months ago I was a six and I held onto those because there is comfort in the loose swaddling that my wardrobe has become.
Oh!!! Very very very interesting! So do you feel that your ‘six-to-a-two’ could be obsessive compulsive to maintain eventually? Or do you not care because you know that eating just one Hershey kiss won’t pack on the pounds? For me, eating one Hershey kiss would mean eating the entire bag and buying a new bag to make all look well again (if others are in the “house” / “vicinity” to observe and to question, “Who ate the Hershey’s kiss?”
Do you live alone? Or with others? You don’t need to answer these questions, but they’re exactly what have popped into my head upon reading your reply!
I don’t do supplements. At the beginning of my vegan lifestyle (3 months ago), I bought B12 supplements but quickly trashed them because, well, supplements are just an added source of calories (says my old anorexic brain). I’d rather eat a hunk of peanut butter cupped NuGo bar than drizzle B12 onto my mashed cauliflower. But that’s just me. For me, not bingeing and throwing up / abusing laxatives is the better of both worlds when compared to eating fabulously and adding a syringe-full of something nutritious. I’m curious to know of how other Anas and Bulimis think of the supplementation process, and I might just write a special blog article about that. Thank you for making my wheels turn!
And super congrats on the 2. It’s a huge difference from a 6, is it not? (I KNOW).
Why would she ask that question in the first place? People should just stick out of business that doesn’t concern them! Ugh.
Because that’s what Sewickley housewives who struggle for their money do.
;)
The two feels amazing, so I will maintain. :) I only own one pair of jeans in that size as this is a new thing for me. Would it turn into obsessive compulsive trying to maintain? I suppose it might be a control issue, but I can’t dwell on it because looking back I think all my “grazing” on crap and am disgusted by having no control.
And I actually don’t really like Hershey’s, I LOVE Dove Milk Chocolate and I just eat one piece every couple of days when I get food-antsy. It takes all the edge off melting so slowly in my mouth. Supposedly, those who consume chocolate regularly have lower BMIs. LOL. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/26/chocolate-eating-lower-bmi-body-mass-index_n_1379368.html
I am a single mom to a 9.5 year-old and we have two cats. I’m also a nurse working in chemical dependency attending school for my Master’s.
I’m really interested to hear about the supplements stuff from an eating disordered perspective. I’ll be looking for it. I personally take fish oil because a history of low-HDL and hypothyroidism; calcium, prenatal multivitamin, vitamin D and a B-complex are also in order as these are the deficits I frequently see in clinic.
Very interesting stuff. I’ve just added the supplement subject to the queue of future articles. Thank you, skinny mini. :)
Oh Nicole..I’m shocked she said asked you such an absurd question. Who in their right mind asks such silliness? What a douche! Anyhow..love the plan. So glad you are returning to the land of fish-eating wonderfulness. I felt exactly the same when I went 100% vegan many moons ago. Feel so much better eating fish again. Plus now when I got to Japan for Christmas and new year I can really enjoy the wonderful raw goodness.. Love to you and G xoxo
Oh, M.! I think that I might have disappointed vous! On the night of this post, I ordered a most gorgeous plate of sashimi (eel, octopus, ahi tuna, white albacore tuna, salmon etcetera), only to have awakened around the 3am hour, sick as a fucking cow suffering from mastitis. I was SICK. And I don’t get sick. Ever. But I shivered, I cried, I vomited, and I moaned. The $30 plate of sashimi was, of course, of the highest caliber. And it all existed in the toilet by 3:09. BUT, perhaps it was a shock to my 3-month veganised digestive system? Or perhaps I caught the flu bug? (haha, NOT!, I do NOT get sick)… What are your thoughts on this? How did YOU feel when re-introducing the fish into your diet? I find it SO surprising that I’m so physically disgusted about something that I loved for so long! I really would LOVE to eat sushi graced with gorgeous pieces of eel again, but right now, it just seems slimy and undesirable. Help! (ps: I think you have linked to a new blog. I am so excited). xoxoxo
That neighbor better watch her back. It is so patently obvious she is an ugly, fat, jealous bitch stuck in the 80′s and she is lucky that I live hundreds of miles away. People like that (usually women but sometimes foolish older men) need to be quarantined because diarrea of the mouth seems to be contagious.
Furthermore, your post is not triggering in the least. You have simply taken this recent hateful experience and taken CONTROL and formed a very reasonable plan of action. The caloric plan described is not disordered; it is quite sensible. You know what you need to do; how your body responds to specific foods in specific amounts. Any anoretic who says the post is triggering “wants” it to be and is looking to use you as a scapegoat to carry out their own twisted impulses.
I was SO MUCH looking forward to your thoughts on this post!!! From the vegan perspective to the man perspective to the ANA triggering perspective. And LOVE love freaking love all that you’ve written. Being used “as a scapegoat to carry out their own twisted impulses.” Brilliant. And seriously? I fucking feel like a god damn old man veteran with one leg amputated in the VA because I seriously DO NOT preach calorie “restriction” in the anorexic conventional sense but rather have thoughts on the past, doing it my way in the “world.” Hell, if I had found MY BLOG in 1999, then perhaps I’d be Secretary of (Something) for Health Affairs for (our now socialised) country by now. (NOTE: I would have resigned upon induction of O-fucking-Bama). But yes. The neighbour is an ugly bitch, and I hope that she’s crying in her little house with her little attic-contained nanny reading stories to the kids at this 7pm hour. She’s from your town, BTW. You might know her. I’d laugh so hard if you did. ;) xo
On Facebook I sometimes put up pictures of my nephew. My employers (who know way too much about my life in the first place) and co-workers have asked me if I had a child because of this. I always emphasis NEPHEW on pictures now. But yea, I’d be pissed off in your situation. Grrrr, let me at her! If someone asked me that, I’d probably throw the question back in their face. Remember that yours is the only opinion that matters, and you know you’re thin and beautiful:) Obviously, that lady was an idiot.
J’adore your specification of the word “NEPHEW.” It’s so important to do things like that, just to keep us sane! I’m trying to think of my last quiet “announcement.” I think it must have been something like, “I’m not really Charlie Chaplin. I’ve just lost a lot of weight, and my pants are huge.” Ha ha! And please, you can have your way with this woman. I’m a quiet, keep to myself kind of person. And two years ago, when en route to yoga class, she ran to my vehicle, plopping her fat butt into the passenger seat, asking if she could have a ride (after making herself comfortable). I was like, WHAT-THE-FUCK. For the rest of the summer, I bicycled to class. And burned a whole lotta cals in the process. :)
It would not surprise me if I have had some sort of distasteful contact with her while she was living here. My town is small and inescapeable. The gym that I belong to is full of nosy people that can’t help themselves…bursting with comments, questions, unsolicited observations. Holy Hell. About my workouts; what are you training for?(to not be a fat ass); Have you lost weight (yay! yay! yay!); you look “healthier” since you gained weight (gdammit all to hell); you should try resistance training (thanks pal); you look like a rower (wtf??); you look like a soccer player (arrrgghhh); you look like a runner (yay! wait, really…like a distance runner or sprinter…does that mean my legs look big?).
The good news is that I am moving over Christmas! However, people cannot help themselves anywhere you live. Especially that “special” type of person that we know and love!
It is impossible not to interpret everything through the ED filter (at least for me anyway) and like you told the fat old bitch, it was completely, utterly, inappropriate to ask a question like that to a former bulimic.
I am fascinated that the sashimi made you sick…I just noticed your response to M. It is so amazing that our bodies tell us what they need/want/don’t want!
All of that gym dialogue? Precisely of why I swapped the gym for my yoga practice. At yoga, nobody speaks! Ha ha!
(And it did the same and more for my body… including my mind).
But yes, the body rejected the sashimi. Totally rejected!!! I was literally in a cold sweat. Moaning like a baby! And after being sick, I was okay again! (after cuddling with Gwendolyn for another two hours, that is).
And I feel so happy and confident as a vegan.
Vegan girls unite! :)
Next week on Dr. Phil – women who take pregnancy tests every time they need pageviews.
Dear Nicole,
please read the following quote from your blog entry “Revealing My Heart” and try to remember what you felt when you wrote those words.
“Gwendolyn’s trauma has again put my body hatred into perspective, as it did in 2010 when she saved me from Bulimia. There is more to life than this shit. The moments which I spend obsessing over my physical self could be spent in happiness with the important things. With Gwendolyn. And everything with the body will just fall into place, just like it did back then.
Fuck NicoleAndGwendolyn the ED bloggers. Welcome, NicoleAndGwendolyn, the kind bloggers. I intend to start living with my heart. The following image of my heart was captured in 2009, and it shall be captured again, from this point forward.”
Why do people feel compelled to counsel a person who rejects it? And for the record, my version of restriction grants more time to smother my monkey with kissy kissies because I’m not busy stuffing my mouth with food. ;)
Hey Nicole! Sorry, I don’t always remember to pop over here- for some reason when you changed your website (or something) it stopped letting me know when you post and computer is horribly slow. I have decided I shall not read any other comments from anyone when I come here. They just make me disappointed/cross. I shall leave my commentary without looking at what has come before. Firstly, any woman worth her salt knows that you don’t ask someone that question (especially without the ‘obvious question’ part) unless of course they are ready to give birth, regardless of whether ex-bulimic or not (which is of course worse). I do think she was highly insensitive. I’d be hurt and dismayed if someone said that so of course you are allowed to be upset. I maintain that as long as you are healthy and well, then I am glad. I trust that Gwendolyn is well!
Kezzie, Your comments are always a breath of fresh air! I moderated your commented from a client’s driveway, just before zooming away to my next appointment; and I nodded my head with a slick grin to my Rouge Noir by Chanel coloured lips. Not worth her salt, indeed. Love it.
Because I am no longer hosting the blog at WordPress, readers must re-subscribe to my posts by clicking the little subscribe button found in the upper left sidebar (or bottom right). I am so happy that you are still reading! I am still reading you, but I have been working NON STOP and therefore have failed to comment anywhere but at Jessica’s blog! I shall begin stalking you again with commentary ASAP. I hope that you shall look forward to it. :D xo
I only ever read here these days for JUST SOME GUY’s comments. His wit is a Xanax in the midst of all the crazy.