Exposing her ‘after’ pictures to the world, Sonja, with her article, The Fat One, turned my gin-flushed cheeks to the colour of white, prompting tears to well into my eyes, making me do something that hasn’t happened since July.
I got my fat ass to yoga.
If Sonja could expose her self-perceived uncomfortable images to the humungous world, then I could certainly suck-up my insecurities, stop hiding behind a rock, and attend a yoga class where I’d be forced to stay on the mat, instead of plopping onto the sofa with a bottle of Fiji Wine, just 30 minutes into the session. I would dress in Lululemon, flaunt a side pony, paint my fingers and toes with Chanel’s Rouge Noir, and get my fat ass to class.
But, all day, staring in the mirror, I created excuses for not attending.
“I need another week. Must be thinner before going back.”
“I can’t leave Gwendolyn.”
“That’s martini time.”
“What if an old yoga friend attends? Someone who knew me as a Thin Yoga Girl?”
“I can’t fucking do this. I’m tired.”
But I knew that if I didn’t, then I’d never. And I’d lose the gorgeous talent that is hidden underneath of this fat.
I wrote, this morning, to a friend,
“Today, even though I am as fat as fuck, I shall return to yoga class. My schedule allows for such tonight, so I am taking advantage of it. I shall no longer hide in my basement, practicing in solitude. I shall rather force myself into a classroom setting, allowing my once thin body to be observed by others. Allowing my famous yoga form to be ridiculed for becoming that of a soft woman. Allowing my cocky attitude to be inhibited, just for a 90 minute session, so that I can get my groove back. So that I can have a (handsome) teacher. So that I can have my body again. I am driven by having people watch me, by performing, by doing fancy tricks… and if I must do so in this fat state to become thin again, then I must do so. Time has run out. Tonight, I shall be The Fat Yoga Girl.”
And I was.
What did Sonja’s article do for you?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011 – 2013.
Oh my god. This is perfect. Before I lost my weight when I was 14, I would always tell myself I could only go to the gym ‘when I was skinnier’ so I didn’t ‘embarrass’ myself. Finally, I forced myself to go and I never looked back! Exercise stopped my stupid restrict binge cycle and I’ve now kept my weight off for 6 years-yay!
Yes yes yes! Yoga was a huge part of turning off my Bulimia. Gwendolyn was THE reason, but yoga helped keep my mood happy when I just wanted a pizza but couldn’t have one, ha ha! And I feel so gorgeous today. Being in a classroom public format is so different than practicing in the dungeon. So delighted to read about your sustained thinness. :) xoxoxo
Nicole…Go You!! Soooo wonderful that you went, wow, you conquered so much by going even this one time to get you back on track…amazing and so well done!!
You and Sonja have both inspired me…so, tomorrow, although it may sound insignificant and nothing, I am going to wear an outfit which i would NOT have had the courage to wear, on my day out coffee- ing and shopping with friends. I would usually give in to how I feel about my body and be unable to wear it as it has no sleeves and is form fitting, but because of you two, it’s being worn tomorrow!! Thankyou heaps xo
OMG. We inspired fashion?!
This makes my heart flutter!!!!!!!!!
I bet Heathcliffe will absolutely positively love to see his mommy prance through the doors in her fashionable outfit after a day of coffee-ing.
Take a photograph and email it to me, please! n@nicoleandgwendolyn.com.
xoxoxo
well, I’m not going to answer your question, because that would be weird and self indulgent. I LOVE that a mere pathetic picture of me could make you go to yoga. I need to return myself. I really miss it, but bikram is performed in front of mirrors, so I would not only feel the blob getting in the way of folding and unfolding my body, I would very clearly see it too. My mind screams “you first have to loose 20 pounds and then we’ll talk again” (but not really, I’m no schizo)…all just to say, I’m really not that brave fat girl of the previous post.
You were 100% mother fucking brave for The Fat Girl. It’s my favourite contribution ever to NicoleAndGwendolyn.com. I know that all of The Panel’s contributions will become such over time as they are published, but right now, you are the sparkling premiere; and I feel so honoured and humbled to have been your chosen platform for writing about your secret life. And, btw, there are big fat mirrors at my yoga studio; and I didn’t even remove my long sleeve shirt covering my pretty tank top because I couldn’t be completely grossed out. I was sweating buckets, and I looked like a moron. But a former Thin Yoga Girl has her pride, and she won’t allow the others to see the blubber!!! :D
I did the exact same thing last week..went back to yoga after a loooong time away :)
Don’t you feel so damn amazing?! How many times have you returned since then?
PS M., I also just went back to raw fish after a long time away. After my failed trial, I went back during the first week of January, and I am hooked, pun intended, ha ha! Figured that you’d be pleased. :D
A friend of mine gave me a Groupon for hot yoga classes that I will be attending once a week for 10 weeks! I’m SUPER excited about it! I am starting Monday!
Omg I am super excited for you to get your sweat on!!! :D
I have a confession. I was bigger than I am now when I was in high school. When high school friends see me, they appreciate my now runners bod and I love it. Well when I was working at TJ’s I felt even thinner. About 5lbs thinner. Doesn’t sound like much on paper, but I can see it and feel it all over my face, stomach, and hips. I have a slight thought at times that these people who still work there will see me and thing I have gained the weight of an ocean. I need a job, so that I can be constantly moving again! I would have gone to yoga with you..hand in hand. Then you would have felt better with my body next to yours (you will always be smaller than my beyone ass.) I am so glad you went. I guarantee at least one person in that room was looking at you thinking, “that skinny bitch.”
Brittany, how I adore your comment, let me count the ways! All of the students but 2 were thinking “that skinny bitch,” I’m sure. Ha ha. Just kidding. But really the 2 who weren’t are true about that non skinny bitch fact. One was an anorexic in hiding (I can tell based on how she spoke / looked)… and the other is a former dancer like me, and I just think she doesn’t give a fuck because she loves herself too much. :D (and she reads my blog). I’m so happy that you are thinner than during high school. You deserve the ooohs and awwws. ;) xo
So glad you were inspired to go back to class! How did it go?
Amazingly! Executed all of my arm stands perfectly. Can still do my full splits. And today my body feels like a gorgeous Taggart Transcontinental train wreck. Ha ha! :)
Ah, and my mind became focused after about 70 minutes. :)
Way to go, Nicole! Your post today reminded me of one of my favorite quotes,”Transformation is not a future event. It is a present activity.”- Jillian Michaels
Anywho, thanks for the inspiration : )
Love:)
A long long time ago on the blog I mentioned not putting things off until you’re “thin.”
At the time I think you thought that it was “fluffy bunny” to do that but this is what I meant- going forward when you don’t feel prefect is what takes real courage. Plus you’re only going to get where you want to go by behaving like the person you want to be.
MG, totally agree with you. Your eyes have to look where you want to walk. :) Pretend you’re already there, until you are.
@MG, The comment which you reference absolutely must have been an earlier one of yours because I’d never cite your beautiful input as “fluffy bunny” nowadays. My apologies, please! But yes, I feel very happy with last night’s experience. More to come, including my book, “Earning My Yoga Body, Again.” :) xo
I also think part of it is you are open to evolving-which I mean as a huge complement!
And speaking of fashion, have you been looking at the couture week shows online?
I have NOT been looking because I have been caring for Canine Sophisticates, 24×7! I am so tired! :) But I shall google it, now that you’ve brought it to my attention. I love love love that I’m being asked about fashionable things. My brain might certainly think fashion, and my bookshelf might archive British Vogue back to 2003, but my current aesthetic is shit. Help moi! :) xo
You are so girly, I love that! And frankly some of the yoga poses are so beautiful that even an elephant (actually one of my favorite animals) would look graceful and light and harmonious. You look graceful and light and harmonious in that first photo, and you don’t look elephantesque to me. Rather, the opposite, dainty, feminine, firm, muscled, strong and yet small. Just go to yoga and show them how this is done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, let your idea of what your body looks like at the entrance, before coming in. Being unconscious of what your body looks like, but feeling beautiful while you are “dancing” (in a way yoga is like a dance), will make you beautiful. And no, it’s not a positive blabla thing.
Love you!
Francoise
Your comment is absolute poetry.
I can offer nothing else.
I feel as though I’ve just been kissed for the first time!
:)
Oh my the mirror thing!
No matter of weight, I can’t stand to see myself. At least I don’t have to cover them up anymore. That was a bizarre thing…
Dance classes were hard because of the mirrors. They confuse me. I never see my whole self in them, only bits and pieces and I have to look on purpose to see whatever it is I’m trying to look at.
me me me me me sorry…
What dance did you do, Yasha?
Ha ha! Completely off subject, but I just watched the clip of Serena Williams slamming her racquet on the court. I think if she were less heavy, then she would be happier! :D
So, I’m glad you went to yoga, even though you don’t feel you look your best. That’s great, actually. (no snark). Also? You look teeny in your outfit (top pic…well, bottom, too, but I realize top pic is more recent, so I was trying to speak to your current aesthetic), despite the fact that you are clearly wearing several layers. Also? I love your nail polish. I have several versions of about the same shade, and I see you even painted your toes, which I am often too lazy to do. However, I must ask – what in holy fuck is going on with your hair? Seriously? Work on that, girl! So NOT even trying to be the meanest brat on the block right now. Just saying – you pride yourself in your appearance, and perfectionism, and speak on both regularly, so I suppose that leaves them open for dissection, particularly when you publish them publicly online.
Haha. My hair? Hair does NOT matter to a girl who is OBSESSED with thin.
Well, only arm hair does. And that is banished by waxing or laser.
Facial hair, too. See laser. See electrolysis. See waxing (if you are poor / need follow-up to laser).
Hair only makes a girl look fatter. ;)
May I just say, that I really like your yoga outfit in shot 1- nice pretty lacy layer with fun lapels and cute black shorts! To me, you look lovely, and you have always looked lovely, the perfect size, even though what I see is not what you perceive! I guess that’s why we’re all unique- we see different things!
Thank you, Kezzie:)
The jacket was purchased on Gwendolyn’s wellness day
And the shorts are also Lululemon.
Nicole, Sonja inspired you, and you have inspired me with this post! Last night, I exercised for the first time since my neck surgery.
I’m only allowed to walk, and this has me upset because I’m thinking, “Walking? I can’t get any real exercise just walking!” I had a couple of “woe is me” days because I’m in a funk about not being able to run or return to the gym for 2 – 3 months, but yesterday, when I read this post, I was inspired, and I walked for over an hour! 3 miles, but it felt great, and walking is indeed exercise! Thank you for inspiring me!
THIS COMMENT JUST MADE MY FUCKING DAY! :D
Well Nicole since you’ve figured out who I am and have asked me so kindly, not to mention flattering me with a few comments which didn’t hurt influencing my decision, to bring a male insite to some of your blog posts that I feel I can lend some relative views.
Well this will be one that I will provide comments to from my point of view. The first thing that I want to state is that wether you belive it or not there are guys out there that suffer with self image as well. There are some that as in your post have a hard time getting motivated to make changes, yet there are those that take it to extremes and spend hours in the gym chiseling themselves to look like a statue of david, do you think this is because they want to do that? No because they have an image of what they want to be or probably even more what they think they should be in societies eyes. So here is a question for you, when you walk into a room full of people where do your eyes wander to? Generally, we will look at someone, now I’m generalizing here not talking scientific facts, Generally the person we want to offer pitty because they are excessively overweight, or the one that is Model Beautiful often overlooking the more general “Average” person in the room. The one thing I learned a while back is that you can’t live your life doing things to make others happy because it will play with your mind at least to some degree as I’m doing this because someone views me this way, or someone views me that way. The thing that you need to understand is that you need to do it for YOURSELF and no one else. You need to do it to make you feel whole, not because of a snarky comment someone made because they can’t point that same judgemental finger at themselves and solve the problems they have within their own lives, its easeier to point and ridicule than to fix and look inward. Alot of your respondents here have taken that motivation and have done what they feel they needed to do, and whatever motivation started that wether self motivated or otherwise will eventually allow them to look at themselves and feel better. But ladies, most of all do it for yourself, do it to show how strong and courages you can be.
Strength and Courage
Copyright © 1986 by David L. Griffith
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to share a friend’s pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to endure abuses,
It takes courage to stop them.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.
May you find strength and courage
in everything you do,
And may your life be filled with
Friendship and Love!