Hi there! I’m Sonja, one of the new contributors.
Some of you longtime readers may know me as Nicole’s breakfast date a few months ago, or more recently as Anonymous Girlfriend #2 who texted “Let’s kill her” when Nicole was asked by her neighbor if she was pregnant. Yes, although I come off as a sweet girl, I do have a mean streak, probably the reason why Nicole suspected I could contribute without bombing her readership (come on people, do not disappoint please). I also had my own blog “Ves&Mork”, but it was never widely read, until Nicole dropped a dirty word on there.
I guess most of you will not really know who I am, so a little introduction is in order. Perhaps even a questionnaire? Not cool, but then again, I am not cool.
Recently one of our TV stations started showing “Inside the Actor’s Studio” and whenever I zap by I tend to linger on it when the stars are answering the questions once asked by Bernard Pivot (whomever that may be).
So get to know me through my answers:
What is your favorite word?
I like the word “ethereal” , but “ubiquitous” is a close second.
What is your least favorite word?
“Krop”. It’s a Dutch word. It means “head of lettuce”. I love lettuce, I just don’t like the sound of “Krop”. Go on, try to say it out loud.
What turns you on?
Humor & passion. I love a man who sings passionately. I love a man who makes me laugh. Not so different from other women I guess.
What turns you off?
My own body. I would estimate this answer would still not be so different from other women’s feelings, or am I wrong here?
What sound or noise do you love?
The gentle snoring of my pug puppy Indie.
What sound or noise do you hate?
The sound the material of a rain coat makes when rubbed together.
What is your favorite curse word?
I have so many. But the one I probably use the most is “kak”. Another Dutch word, it means shit. I use it all the time, without thinking, which sometimes leads to embarrassing moments, when for instance my apples dropped on the floor in front of the cashier in our local supermarket, a family with little children in line waiting behind us. Ooops. When writing and using the cursing a bit more consciously I like to use “Fuck” a lot.
What profession other than the one you own would you like to attempt?
Musical star, but the non-dancing type. Currently I am a Ph.D student in history. When I’m writing in this capacity, I don’t use the word “Fuck” a lot. Just to be clear.
What profession would you not like to do?
Window washer. I’m afraid of heights.
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Fooled you! But no biggie, you can still come in.
I hope this has given you a feel of who I am. Still I feel there’s just one more thing you need to know about me, which no questionnaire covers. I’m the fat one. When Nicole told me who else might be contributing to her new expanded blog two thoughts ran through my head: ‘Fuck, I’m the boring one”. But even worse: ‘Fuck, I’m the fat one”. From all the girls who might contribute and complain that they are fat, and all y’all will be like “Neuheu, you’re disordered for thinking you’re fat”, I’m the actual fat one. And I’ll prove it. Say hello to my little friend, my belly:
I hate before and after shots, I don’t normally create them for myself but here’s the most disconcerting one you’ll ever see. I have entitled it: “Gluttony: A Cautionary Tale”.
In short, this is what 4 months of bingeing without purging does to your body. 40 fucking pounds give or take a little. So there you go, that last piece of information that makes me a prime candidate for contributing to this blog.
I’m not sure why I’m publishing these gross pictures of myself, but at least you have to admit it’s not just in my head. I am fat. Although to be honest, even at the November pic I was living like a recluse in order to hide my body away from the people who not long before had known me as this girl.
Although to be honest, even when I was this slimmer version of myself, I thought I was the fat one. Ah, the splendor of body image.
Anyhow I think that will suffice for first impressions. Fuck, I couldn’t write on about the fact how I very successfully sabotaged my every move to have the lot and body I think I deserve without having a meltdown. If this first article doesn’t bomb entirely, I’ll try to share my ongoing struggles with food and body image more deeply. I’m not a former anything. I’m still going through the motions.
How would you answer the questionnaire? How do you see/feel your body?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011 – 2013.
I loved your blog! And just assumed it was put on private when I couldn’t find it anymore. Why did you stop writing?
This is the best first comment that I could imagine!!! Sonja will be so pleased, and I hope that she awakens from her Belgium slumber ASAP to offer reply!!! :)
I’m so happy that you think so! :)
Thank you Tahina, yes I stopped blogging. I started that blog when I was very much in a good place: I loved my food, I loved my life and I got along with my body. Since then it has all gone to shit and the thought about blogging about those things just wasn’t something I wanted to do anymore. Yet here I am, right. Basically, on my blog it was all about “look at what I ate, here’s a recipe” and I couldn’t do that anymore. Here we’re supposed to write about our struggles with food and body and hell, I can do that. But of coarse I hope to get to that happy place again, and who knows, maybe then I’ll start it up again. And honostly, It got so little traffic, I didn’t think anyone even noticed. It means a lot to me that you did.
And here you can write about the happy things, too!!! So I want some recipes, bia!!! :)
What a great explination, thank you. I for one am 100% hoping that you get back to your happy place! And yes I most certainly did notice, all the way from Australia :)
It’s amazing to realize I have someone reading my blog in Australia! thank you!
OMG, this was such a brilliant idea. I love this blog and I loved this post and I love that Sonja will be contributing!! So excited to see what is next!!!
Ahhhhhhhhh! I just finished jumping up and down, clapping my hands!!! SO so so freaking excited that you love this idea and Sonja’s post!!! It’s the most freaking amazing piece that I could imagine for the inaugural post. Yay!!! :):):)
Yay, I love it when there’s so much love!! From what I hear, Nicole has some amazing contributors lined up.
Sonja, love your courage, love your writing. You are a beautiful being. The body can do whatever it wants, it won’t prevent your soul from shining through.
xoxoxoxoxo
Francoise
The prettiest words that I could imagine… from one of the prettiest souls in the world.
Thank you, Françoise, for your feedback on Sonja’s masterpiece.
I feel so happy for the replies thus far, and I can’t help but to comment!
Thanks Françoise, indeed beautiful words. I love your advide to Nicole about “trying to forget the body, not look for a while” and I want to apply it myself, but it’s hard when I feel that gross corporeality is all I am now. It’l literally weighing me down.
And mirrors make it kind of hard, too! Especially when one is inclined to stare into car windows, using them as mirrors. Do we close our eyes? :)
Love the transparency and raw honesty in pictures. That took guts. I am really looking forward to future posts. And Indie is so cute!!!
Sonja, Vera has a super adorable Shih Tzu! She’s a dog mommy like us. xo
yes, unfortunately I have “guts” to spare :-)
I love Indie, that’s a pic of Indie’s very first encounter with snow; She went wild for it
Hi Sonja. Good idea this. It’ll be fun to know some of the girls better as it goes along. I’m sleepy and sore but just had to stay up to read and comment. (note to self: no more fights in the mosh pit)
I’m totally adding “kak” to my already vast swearing vocabulary!
Now for the questions: Favorite word: I can’t pick one.
Favorite curse word: Fuck, its the most versatile of them all.
What turns me on: meh… I’m asexual these days
What turns me off: cologne on men It covers up their pheromones which would be the turn on if I didn’t care anymore.
Sound I love: thunder and water flowing in a creek
Sound I hate: 2 cycle engines and screeching children
Profession I’d like: belly dancer (I actually gained weight so I’d have a belly to dance with)
Profession not liked: the one I do now, it’s gone straight to hell over the years.
If heaven exists I want god to say “I’m sorry”
You’re dog is very pretty, I love black dogs.
I leave you with this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26UA578yQ5g
xoxo
Sonja, I earned Yasha’s readership and friendship because of GOMI.
And she’s fucking fabulous:)
thank you Nicole! Right back atcha :)
hooray for kak! now, I will be adding “frischen” to my list of bad words too, I love that clip!
screeching children, I can’t believe I forgot that one, really annoys the crap out of me too
and fucking yes, if God exists, he owes us a massive apoplogy! brilliant!
OMG speaking of screaming children. The day that I first thought that perhaps children weren’t for me was sometime in 2008 (I think May) when I sat at Chicago Midway Airport, awaiting a flight back to Pittsburgh after viewing the Sex & the City film premiere with my sister. Up until that point, having children was simply what girls were supposed to do. And then I heard it. “MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA!” From a screaming child. Drove me bonkers and set the stage for how I think today!!!
Hi Sonja! I really enjoy reading all of your comments, so I’m glad you’re contributing to Nicole’s blog!
I think it takes tremendous courage to stop purging and talk about your experience and post these photos. Just wow. I could never do that.
I’m sad you think of yourself as the fat one. I wouldnt have thought that. (Smart one, brave one, beautiful one come to mind instead) But I know self deprecation is a hard habit to break. increasingly, I find it’s the real struggle;. everything else is a symptom.
I’ll be rooting for you!
And fashionable one. I want her Gizmo graphic tshirt.
thanks Margaret, yes you are right. I have often thought myself it just all boils down to my inability to love myself, for whatever reason; You are so kind and I’ll try to implement “smart, brave, beautiful” every time I think “fuck, I’m so fat” today.
I love your honesty. And you are very brave for putting those pictures up, not because they (or you) are gross, but because 99% of women wouldn’t put pictures of their stomach online regardless of weight, never mind documenting a weight gain. I feel the pain of binging and gaining, even with purging I always gain weight when I binge. I’ll be interested to read your guest posts, and I lovelovelove your favourite words. :)
brave, clueless, sadistic, heavily sedated…who knows :-) In any case, thanks for making me feel less gross. The understanding people have shown me here is ubiquitous!
I want to hear more about your sedation habits during the last few months. Vicodin + alcohol was a huge part of my binge purge inhibition in 2008. Sometimes I’d even be able to put it off until Thursday. A future article, I think!
Sonja,
I had to reply to your post. I lurk here for many reasons, but I had to comment here. You are fantastic. Not boring, not fat, fantastic. You are not where you want to be but that will change. You will change it. You are brave and open and honest. I, personally, lack a mean streak. I may not like yours. But truly, for what you have put up here, I applaud you and say bravo! You have courage and that is what people will see about you, no matter your current pant size.
I’ll be cheering for you. :) Probably quietly.
I keep on saying it to every person who comments: thank you a hundred times. I didn’t know what to expect when I decided to just put it all up here, and all I can say is, this really helps. and yes, I WILL change it!
I knew exactly what to expect, and my forecasting was perfect. You are adored, and you have touched so many people!
I can’t ever think of you as ‘the fat one.’ Sorry, it just won’t happen.
And I second the point that you’re brave for putting up pics – I’ve done similar shots but always captioned them with long diatribes against myself. I think you were far classier and more considerate with the way you presented yourself; very simply, with no melodrama.
Hey, something that didn’t come through so strongly on your other blog was your wicked sense of humour. It’s quite dry/witty – I love it :)
‘Ethereal’ is one of my top words as well – great minds must think alike ;) And despite my ****ing on my blog, I actually swear like a sailor in real life. So ‘fuck’ is definitely part of my vocabulary (even though it’s hard for me to type that on a public blog. I’m so weird).
You’re just as worthy a contributor as anyone else (and moreso than me!!!) Don’t you forget that.
xxx
You have no clue how difficult it is to pull off classy when admitting one is turning into “the blob”. Actually I think I remember one of those posts of yours, a series of pictures and something about it being definite proof of you being fat? What I remember most of that post was that you actually didn’t look fat at all to me. You weren’t at your ideal body type I see now, but fat? neuheu! In my mind you will always be “the fast one”. I’m realistic enough to acknowledge that for the moment I am indeed fat. But I’m glad that the people who have read some of my stuff and therefore know me a little don’t think of me as “the fat one”.
Thank you for thinking I’m funny, because frankly, I really am ;o)
and you know I love your writing, so I can’t wait for your contribution, but yeah, use fuck as freely as you please, it’s liberating.
That’s right. I’m the fat one. But I’m changing it!
Nicole, honey no, you are the crazy one :-P hahaha
Bahahahaha. LOL!
This post really makes me love the idea of more than one author! So interesting!
This feedback makes me so happy. Thank youuuuuuuuu:)
yes, it was an amazing idea of Nicole. Not so much for my specific contribution, but the authors she has in store will rock it so hard! I hope this grows out into the platform it could potentially be.
It shall. It shall be the #1 Women’s Health Website in the world.
Thank you for posting this. Its raw, I can imagine it was painful typing it, but thank you for opening up
Oh! The Bingeing Virgin. Me likey your blog. Very witty. Thanks for commenting!
Yes, it actually was rather painful, I couldn’t type anything really meaningful after I made that revolting collage of myself, I’m glad people found meaning in it all by itself. tank you!
I’m amazed at this post. For someone who has struggled with body image issues and disordered eating, I’m completely in awe of your bravery. Whenever I’m at a low point (in a vicious b/p cycle), I try to hide from the world (and myself) until I’m back at my preferred weight. I’m inspired by the brutal honesty you have with yourself and the world. Hang in there, and thank you!
Kelli, Your comment speaks to my heart, and I know it does to Sonja’s, too. I didn’t even see my extended family (aside from parents and sisters) at Christmastime because of the fat. Thanks for reading and for commenting.
yes, it does speak to my heart! Don’t be fooled by my idiot move to showcase my body all over this blog. I live like a recluse and have so for 4 months because of my body. My last encounter with the world was when my boyfriend and I went on a group holiday (where the picture of me in the gizzmo Tshirt was taken, not at my preferred weight, but somewhat at peace) but after we’d come home everthing rapidly deteriorated. I cancelled my own 30th birthday party, I cancelled christmas, I cancelled new year, I cancelled my best friend’s birthday party. Somewhere in between I found the courage to go to my little niece’s birthday party and my own grandmother asked me if I was pregnant. (that was around the november pic) So I grew even more confirmed in the idea that my body was not one for the world to see. I stopped going to the gym, stopped going to yoga, I even stopped working (as a Ph.D student I already had a lot of liberty to choose my own hours etc) . I can only bear to see my partner (we live together so I kind of have to haha), my parents, my therapist and the supermarket cashiers where I buy my binge food.
It needn’t be said this only makes the bingeing worse. Maybe the posting of these pictures is my patethic attempt to wake myself up from this cycle of denial?
I think that posting your photographs and discussing your situation here is totally therapeutic. I think that some girls need something unconventional. Wild girls need NicoleAndGwendolyn.com:)
I have seen your name all over comments and am overjoyed to see you as a contributor. If Nicole likes you, then I sure as shit will to!! Your dog..I need. So cute. Your humor and honesty has won me over FERSHER!
Sure as kak! :):):)
Myd dog, yes…I would almost say the cutest dog that even lived, but I kinda get the feeling that would get moderated as shit :-) thanks for commenting!
You better fucking believe it would get moderated. ;)
She ties with Gwendolyn and Heathcliffe and Zeus and the other dogs of NicoleAndGwendolyn.com:)
xoxoxoxo
Sonja…Hello, great to meet you via your first contribution..I already liked you due to your understanding of Nicole and many of your lovely and funny comments on this blog. What a wonderful idea to have contributing authors, Nicole – and Sonja, you have set the bar HIGH my friend!! As someone with a 22 yr history of severe Anorexia, who still battles crap body image and many other related issues, you are a-maz-ingly awesome to share your photos and a tiny glide of your journey with us in your first post – Can I just say Thank you to you for having the courage to do so?! And I am not even talking about the before and after aspect or anything, simply that you have struggled for a long time and continue to struggle yet still had the strength to post something that is so significant to you, I find that incredibly brave and such an insight into your character. Good on you!! And I adore Indie, oh my goodness!! Love and thanks, Jennifer and Heathcliffe xo
Jennifer, thank you for such kind words. Knowing who else might contribute I’m quite sure they will outshine me without even trying. Still it’s very nice to be appreciated, and even more so to be understood. Confession: I went to check gomi (my bad) and someone commented about this post being very boring: silly questions and answers and then pictures of my belly “what’s the point”. And I you look at it objectively: YES! This post hasn’t got that much substance, but I love it that so many readers understood what was not being said, that they got the point and took the time to comment about it.
First off, Ms. Sonja, I only select the creme de la creme to represent anything that regards moi, especially NicoleAndGwendolyn.com. So, it is my opinion that you all shall have equally gorgeous posts. Second off, you must tell me if GOMI says anything truly fabulous because they’ve blocked all of my convenient IPs, so I can’t read my forum anymore. Ha ha! I love you! And PS: Jennifer and Heathcliffe are two of my favourite readers. xo
Sonja, I used to love your blog and all your colorful photos of delicious raw food! Im happy to see you here!
I really do feel for you. Food is so tough! I have been struggeling with food for all my life, and mostly binging (on and off). The past few years have been better (still not where I want to be), and the only thing that helps is to wish to take care of my body- even though there is soo many things I want to change about it. But I have to accept it,and love it for everything it does for me. I eat a vegan and mostly raw diet, and now I focus on eating enough so my body gets all it needs so it can help me be happy and healthy.
+ All of a sudden I found that I have a baby in my belly, so now I have extra motivation to be super healthy :)
I wish both of you the very very best!
Big hug from Norway
Hi Ragnhild, I just clicked through to your blog and I don’t understand anything of course, but the food looks delicious. And you have a beautiful smile!
Congratulations! Is it hard wrapping your head around the changes occurring in your body as someone with a history of food struggles? I wish the very berry best for the both of you too!!
Wow!!! Congratulations on your pregnancy, Ragnhild!
I am accepting blog posts by Non-Panel persons who want to contribute something / tell their story. I think yours sounds like a fabulous one to tell.
Ehm okay call me weird but I had to come back and comment here again. I said I admired your courage for being so raw, but I don’t think that’s quite what I meant. I think a lot of us can build up the courage to post pictures or words on our/others’ blogs in similar fashion as you just did here. I cannot access your blog, so I assume your blog isn’t ‘out and openly’ connected to your ‘real identity’ or for your ‘real world’ to follow? (correct me if I’m wrong, I’m new here). So then, posting such raw words and pictures aren’t all that scary anymore. Even if your friends/fam read your blog, posting it online is still a step away from saying it out loud irl.
I think what I meant to say, of what I admire about this, is that you quitt purging, even though you (judging by your own, unnesscarily harsh!, words) are very clearly not at peace with your body and what the non-purging is doing to it. Yet, you push through, and are not just keeping all the feelings it induces in your own head. Tháts what I admire. I think a lot of readers here would know how hard it is to stop purging and, verdomme, that is worth admiring.
I guess that I’m not even close to being raw because I never purged! Surprise!
I guess I would fall somewhere in between the notion of a non-purging bulemic, orthorectic and someone with BED depending on the moment you get me. So this is not me pushing through, on the contrary, this is me letting go. Where I normally would restrict by living extremily healthily (not counting calories, but eating very clean, exercising daily) after a few days of bingeing, now there’s just no stopping me. I’ve been bingeing almost daily for four months straight now, giving up on anything that resembles a life. Fuck, now I feel like a total fraud, I should have made it very clear that I never in my life have been a purging bulemic. I wanted to be. Badly. Well, actually if I had to struggle with food, I wanted to be anorexic. But after a month of not eating, I would always binge and the bingeing always took the lead over the not eating. if not anorexic, at least I wanted to be “a purger”; I can’t even count the times I stuffed a tooth brush in my troath when I was young. I could vomit a little, but never a quantity worth mentioning. I just don’t have that kind of purging in me I guess, a mixed blessing.
So I’m not brave at all. Those pictures were perhaps yet another form of punishing myself (as in part the bingeing is). Maybe a distorted attempt to make myself wake the fuck up. Maybe a sad attempt to win over the crowds, because who doesn’t love the big teary-eyed fatso? I dunno…
But I do find it interesting that people would assume I stopped purging, as if the purging is a given part of this affliction. Sometimes it might feel like people don’t think you have a “real ED” (whatever the fuck that is) because you’re not underweight/don’t purge. Because (as many folks say when learning of my bingeing) ‘o, but I have that too, evenings where I just have to eat every cookie in the house, I can’t be trusted around chips”, or something like that.
as for my blog: my friends and family all know of my condition, but I haven’t told them about my blog. Furthermore I would HATE for one of my colleauges to come across it. Only my boyfriend and therapist are aware of it, but at the moment no one has access to its content, because it was a very happy lala blog and that too currently felt too much like a total sham.
So in short: nothing to see here. Please move along
but I have to ask: België of Nederland? (ik lijk ook geen toegang tot jouw blog te hebben)
I only assumed so because you wrote “this is what 4 months of bingeing without purging does to your body”. I thought you meant that, since four months, you stopped purging.
Enough to see there, actually. A lot of recognition is what I see, mainly. I have never vomited in my life either. Oh how I wished I could.. I guess you could say I sometimes purged through fasting, but that feels different. That was mere a way of ‘balancing out’ my binges (of course, thats just a whole lot of ED-bullshit, because fasting for days is never balanced).
I dont quite understand how you dont have access to my (empty) blog though, I didn’t mark it as private? (&Nederlands, jij ook? Al klinkt ‘kak’ bijna te beschaafd voor een vuilbekkige Hollander…)
Belg! Antwerpse om specifiek te zijn, dus “kak” klinkt verre van beschaafd. Als ik op je naam klik, krijg ik alleen een melding dat ik naar een website ga, waarvoor geen authentificatie vereist is, maar als ik op je avatar klik, geraak ik er via een omleiding wel. Ik ga me morgen met veel plezier in die ene post verdiepen.
Sorry Nicole, but it’s the first time someone in my mother tongue commented, I had to make it a secret private party. Now you have to learn dutch as well :)
Omg that is so fucking gorgeous!!! Sounds so cold and sharp to me! Love!
I’ve never come across a fellow Dutch/Belgian blogger either!
And Nicole, Dutch really is a harsh, cold and ugly language!
Perhaps I should move to the Netherlands. Or to Russia. Seems fitting for my personality. Are the men equally as cold? That is such a turn on for me! :D