My thirtieth year on planet Earth was ugly.
Commencing with an Ice Cream Murder, it continued with intense anger, resulting in Project Lollipop, Project Rail Thin, and even a Goodbye To Fish, just to name a few.
I’m done.
I’m fat. And I want to take a pin to my milky white breasts, to my androgynous thighs, to my regular girl abdomen, and to my fat fucking Brittany the Chipumink face.
This is me, at this very moment. Curvy!
I want to deflate that which is puffy. I want to look like this again.
And I shall.
As disgusting as it might be to admit failure, I must admit such. I slacked. I did not bicycle those 30+ miles weekly. I did not execute those daily sessions of vinyasa. Yet I maintained, even liberated my intake. And now I look like a fat pregnant girl. Yes, I took my last pregnancy test today, affirming that I am not with child (thank ‘God’), and I am prepared to get back that which I lost. By losing, I shall gain.
Therefore, I commit murder, for a second time, six days short of my thirty-first birthday.
I murder the ugly. And I exist in peace.
On a happy birthday note, thanks to my gorgeous fiscal responsibility, American Express has awarded me with two fabulous pressies during this past weekend!!!
First rate tickets, for me and the sister, to New Kids on the Block! 98 Degrees! And Boyz II Men!!!!!!!!!
If a prim and proper girl can be a groupie, then I hereby raise my hand. Stephanie and I shall enjoy drinks at a gorgeous downtown restaurant before proceeding to the concert. I want to sleep with Donnie Wahlberg. He is so handsome. Preferring Jonathan Knight back in the day (1991), I hereby surrender to the bad boy… and based on the quality of Pittsburgh chicks, I might stand a hot chance. :)
Therefore, I must be thin and gorgeous for the event. And I shall be such a bird. Like this…
Additionally, American Express Rewards has paid for my new fabulous VitaMix 200 Professional!!!
With this purchase, we have become ‘Raw with Benefits’.
The body shall morph with a clean diet.
And with yoga. And martinis. ;)
The new lifestyle is the raw lifestyle. Raw with benefits. What are my benefits? Only time shall tell.
I shan’t disappoint you. I shan’t be the fat former bulimic. I shall be the thin former bulimic. And I shall inspire.
Don’t lose faith in me.
What is your experience with the raw diet?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011 – 2013.
OMFG with a capital F!! You got a Vitamix with your rewards!?! AMAZING! I bought myself a Blendtec after years working with Vitamix’s at a smoothie shop. Both brands have my heart! I am so excited for your raw journey, I can’t wait to be inspired and find flavor combinations. You are so close already to this goal, you will be there in no time! I will never EVER loose faith in you!
I love you!!!
And yes, I did get a VitaMix Pro 200 with my rewards!!!
Looking for gorgeous green smoothie / raw soup concoctions recipes!!!
Send my way, please! xoxoxo
OMFG.
Stop drinking like a fish.
You will drop the puffies, AND 10 lbs.
The drinking shan’t stop, but I shall drop the puffies and 23. ;)
This. If you’re unwilling to give up alcohol despite the fact that you would instantly become less puffy, that could indicate a drinking problem. Given that you say you used to be an alcoholic, don’t you feel a little concerned? And why did you use the word “pretty” so many times to describe your life and the events thereof if it was, in fact, ugly?
Nope! It’s been since Sunday. And I just picked edamame over a martini. See my FB page for a photograph. ;) xo
PS, I don’t require alcohol. I just love it! What do you love that’s not required for existence?
Nicole,
After having posted a comment on your previous post, I realized that despite having read your blog diligently for over a year, I have barely commented at all. I love your perspective on life, body image, food, relationships. That’s not to say that I agree but, I enjoy that you challenge my views. Thus solidifying the given view or changing it. I am surprised to read that this year was so “ugly” to you. I viewed your growth during this year as beautifully reforming. You have evolved and are becoming closer to that which you want to be. Sometimes becoming beautiful involves swinging into the “ugly” before you find the middle ground of happiness. One can’t find their own perfection without also experiencing a bit of the hell that has no place in their personal heaven. Now, my glass of wine has me rambling.
Dear Chelsea, Your comment is so gorgeous, and I love that it was influenced by wine!!! Please do that more. :) I suppose that my anger exists because during one year of bulimic free living, it was all yoga and no thought toward food until one particular day… and BOOM. For the next year and a half (until now), it’s been nuts. A fight with my body. I just want that calm state again, and I interpret last year as a failure. That’s why I’m implementing this lifestyle change. That’s what I did when I quit Bulimia. It was a lifestyle change. And that worked marvelously for me. Of course there are restrictions, but it’s not a Diet Plan, per say. My plan is my life. xoxoxo
Sigh. When are you going to wake up and see that diets fail, EACH AND EVERY TIME? Are you that oblivious – the Project Lollypop and Project Whateverthefuckyouwantocallit just backfire!
Eat (and drink) moderately. Exercise moderately. Work on intuitive eating. Stop setting yourself up for failure!
Must be exhausting being you. :(
LOL. Oh, Fiona. Thanks for your chirp! A comment sequence wouldn’t be a comment sequence without Fiona and one of her zillion pen names! But did you miss the point of this article? There is no diet. There is only life. There is only style. xoxoxo ;)
Duh for brains. I know Fiona, and I know she’s not home tonight or anywhere near her computer. I think she’s also stopped reading your blog. You are paranoid on top of crazy and gullible. When will you stop being sucked into every diet going.
Bahahaha. You must have missed the point of this article. Life + style = lifestyle. There is no ‘diet’ in the restriction sense. Mwah! ;)
Oh, and seems a LOT of people have stopped reading your blog.
There’s no style in this blog. Unless pathetic is a style.
How do you explain the fabulous daily traffic growth? Robots? ;) xo
PS: diets don’t fail, Fiona. It is the dieter who fails or succeeds. You and I have both failed. But I shan’t fail again.
Fiona has failed her diet? What diet was Fiona on? Last time I looked, she was working at recovering from her anorexia – ie on gaining weight, but was still very underweight.
You, however, have spent this past year going on every ‘diet’ going – and failing them. That’s not lifestyle. That’s being sucked in.
Lifestyle is raw with benefits. Again, did you not read this article? And I care not to discuss socialists any further. No time.
Wait, benefits?
Yes.
What’s your current/goal weight?
Don’t have one.
In fact, I’m returning my scale to Bed Bath & Beyond.
Just want to look fabulous in my little size zero J.Crew shorts by May!
but you said in an earlier comment you were going to drop 23. wasn’t 109 your goal before?
That was during a diet. I am no longer dieting.
lol
So lower than 109? We are similar heights and I’m trying to figure out a good goal for myself.
103.
But you don’t have a goal?
What productive person doesn’t?
In reply to SAK’s question about your goal weight you responded “Don’t have one.
In fact, I’m returning my scale to Bed Bath & Beyond.
Just want to look fabulous in my little size zero J.Crew shorts by May!”
That was just earlier today, so now I’m confused as in just the space of a day you’ve said you didn’t have a goal (and were on your way to return you scale to BB&B) and yet just now you’ve said 103 lbs. is the goal. So, for the sake of clarity: do you or do you not have a goal? If you do and it’s 103 lbs. then how will you know if you’re there if you’ve returned your scales?
103 is what I weigh when my clothes fit perfectly.
Hi there. I wish you good luck with your new year on Planet Earth and I hope that it be as pretty as you are. I agree with Chelsea, that sometimes you have to face ugliness before you find happiness. So hang in there!
I haven’t really had an experience with a raw diet since I don’t make my own food. I have always been fascinated by the idea though, and I think I’d actually enjoy a partially raw diet. Partially because I’m not vegan, and I have no intention of either eating raw meats, or giving up on them :P
And in case I forget, here’s a happy birthday in advance! ;)
Love your thoughts on raw foodism!
Love your birthday wish!
I turn 31 in 53 minutes, if I lived in England!!! :D
xoxoxo
First, I don’t think you’re fat and ugly. You look a little curvier, and that’s all. But you know I do very much understand and also really believes that it’s important to feel in your body. I prefer to be slim, and as long as I don’t deprive myself and am healthy, that’s totally fine for me.
Regarding the raw diet – I’ve never tried it and never felt attracted by it. My body responds better to cooked foods in general (however I do eat some raw foods every day), because raw food tends to lie heavily in my tummy. Since it’s also quite easy to undereat on a raw diet (unless you don’t include large amounts of nuts, seeds, and sprouted grains), it also tends to give me the I-am-so-hungry-but-feel-so-full feeling. Not very fortunate. Hope you can make it work for you!
Because I’ve had two martinis, I shall be completely frank, in a lighthearted manner!
Your “You look a little curvier, and that’s all” would have made me sick to my stomach, if this had been May 2011 or before. It almost did, the other day. I read it. I got sick. But I completely banished that sickness. I took your comment like a champ. It’s obvious that I’m “curvier” in my current aesthetic, but I hadn’t yet received an affirmation from a blog reader / skinny girl / former ED girl / friend. But then I rationalised that you’re German! So you are direct and to the point, just like me! So I must remove myself from the emotional high horse of FAT and just accept that which is true. Besides, I wouldn’t post such fucking disgusting images unless I were prepared for “the comments” which I am. So thank you. Each time that I want to deviate (haven’t yet, but perhaps I shall), I shall think of your “curvier” commentary and not do such chomping upon food / missing of yoga. Thin girls forever! xo (says my martinis, haha).
You know, when I first read that response, I thought, “Wow, the ‘curvier’ comment was wrong, and I as someone without an ED, I cringed. Nicole, you are absolutely gorgeous, and I’m sorry that comment was made, but you know you are gorgeous and Perhaps, KATH will be a little more careful. I’ve clicked on her blog, and I would be a bit more careful if i were her.
Again, your pictures are gorgeous, and I cannot want for museum meeting in June!
I’m glad it affected someone else like it did me. I doubt that she meant harm, but for someone so reportedly ‘tenured’ in ED, her comment was a fucking blow at the jaw:)
I’m sorry I have offended you. It was the last thing I intended! What I wanted to say is that I don’t see you as fat at all!
I know. :) you are sweet, and I just felt it was necessary to let you know (and my readers) of my initial reaction. No need to apologise, but I appreciate your follow-up tremendously!!! xo
Happy fucking birthday you gorgeous, wonderful, ever-evolving creature!!1
If I could grant you one wish it would be this:
You accept that you are a perfectionist (which you already do), but you also accept that you WILL have a calmer existence and your inner-most child says, “Hey, lets revisit this life and decide we want to be even more awesome, but we take some breaths in between.”
I love Friday evenings because I relax and let life happen, catch up on reading, and blogs, etc., and I want nothing but peace and “fashionable” serenity for you little sister :)
My first time visiting your blog – I’m a fully recovered survivor of a 7-year battle with anorexia (followed by becoming borderine overweight from my drinking/partying habits I felt I needed to be socially accepted – while, of course hating myself and my body even more).
I just wanted to wish you the best; you’re right it IS about a lifestyle change…a lifestyle you can maintain with joy. It’s obvious you still have some work ahead because I recognize a lot of the thought processes I had in the past, but complete freedom is possible. I no longer feel ANY disordered thoughts, temptations, or ANY feelings of hatred towards my body (now for 6 years). The reality is that being “normal” doesn’t work in a country where eating yourself to an early grave is the norm…the choice to be healthy means being different, which is sad but also empowering. I just wanted to encourage you that it is possible to live simply by listening to your body, eating naturally, enjoying exercise/fitness, and maintaining a healthy weight without any need for playing tug-of-war with a scale, calorie-counting/food logs, or a clothing size. I’m sure people still interpret my veg lifestyle as wierd or still potentially disordered, but I have a much happier and respectful relationship with my body than most Americans and I’m simply trying to take care of it. I wish you the best in your journey and I hope you find complete happiness with yourself. Remember to love yourself first, and loving your body will follow.
Thank you for this pretty message. It’s music to my ears to hear that someone has found happiness with their bod. Anorexia and bulimia are two different monsters, but it’s not even that which is my hang-up anymore. It’s perfectionism. That shan’t ever change, so I just need to use it for the good. At this moment, it’s eating raw. And yoga. Please visit again!
I am late to the commenting train, but I just wanted to say good luck with the raw diet and yoga. I am a raw, vegan and love it! I also do a lot of yoga.
Marni, Love love love! For how long have you been ‘raw’? What is your favourite raw concoction? Please share, and I shall recreate it, for my readers!!!
I am late to the commenting train, but I just wanted to say good luck with the raw diet and yoga. I find that weight drops very quickly off me the raw diet–especially if I limit my fruit consumption and amp up the green veggies!
I am a raw, vegan and love it! I also do a lot of yoga and been doing the Booty Barre DVDs and am loving the it! Long and lean ;-)
I am doing project Rock the Beach–a major tone up before we arrive there in May! It involves lots of raw protein shakes with Amazing Grass added for the greenery, apple cider vinegar shots (if you add it to water you can make a super cheap kombucha like drink), kale salads, running 6 days a week and yoga/pilates/booty barre everyday!
Marni, This comment speaks to my little heart like none other with regard to fitness ever left at my blog!!! It seems that you and I have a VERY similar fitness philosophy. Tonight, I entered my first cardio class in four years! For four years, it’s been just power vinyasa yoga (but for the last year, it’s been mainly walking 10+ miles daily – hence the fat – boo!). BUT, due to my insane professional schedule, I am unable to ‘get in’ my personal yoga practice in the 3 hours daily necessary to keep my body in tip top shape. So I attended a cycling class. Tonight. And I just know that my bod shall whittle away in all the right manners, as a result of this class. Three times weekly, at least. Plus yoga on each day, but yoga for only 30 minutes. And all of my dog walks, 10+ miles daily. And of course, raw with benefits! My first diet ever, the one that prompted the anorexia for six months before turning into bulimia for 11.5 years, was “The Bikini Body Diet Plan.” It was pretty intense! But it did the job. I can’t wait to hear if your Project Rock the Beach does it, too. Please keep us posted. And if you want to write a guest post on it, please do!!! I shall be happy to publish it here!!! xo
Yeaaaaahh. I know that you WEREN’T shopping for body-image affirmation…but why would someone, having been fully acquainted with your ED history, comment that you have become “curvier”!!!!!!
First of all, shame on them for typing such an inflammatory comment.
Second of all, you actually have NOT become curvier. That comment is PATENTLY incorrect. When we gain or lose weight, our body shape stays the same, it just becomes bigger or smaller per Portia de Rossi, Unbearable Lightness.
Congrats on the fat loss!!! I can see how long and lean you are quickly becoming and you look phenomenal. <3
Yay for thin! Yay for control!
I LOVE THIS COMMENT. Am mobile so shall reply more later!!!