Reader Question
“What was your diet like in the immediate weeks after ending Bulimia? It seems like you’re always changing and evolving, but did you start with a list of safe foods? What advice would you give to someone trying to end the battle with Bulimia when their metabolism is totally fucked up?” – Anne, The Skinny Bug
Answer
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s where I started.
Perfectly defining my post-Bulimic philosophy of consumption, Kate Moss’s statement is concise, blunt, and simple. No food could possibly compare to the feeling of being thin, even more so, to the reality of such. My brain, interpreting the removal of purging as forecast for eternal fat, accepted a future of being the chubby girl. Despite this, I expected to glamourise thin lines forever. My decision on diet, therefore, was to control consumption, attempting a system conducive to thin lines, although not expecting much in terms of producing my aesthetic ideal.
But I got a huge bang for my buck.
Upon ending of Bulimia, I became thin.
In order to manage my consumption, I would need to remove foods that soared me over the edge of pleasure. Hot pizzas. Gooey burritos. Peanut butter cookies. So and and so forth. Foods were groups in themselves. The gourmet cheese group. The eggplant parmesan group. The veggie sausage group. By eliminating these groups, my diet became a naked, clean version of health. Basic and simple, like an Apple Store. Like a New York boutique.
To give my body the essential nutrients it requires to function, in a simple, rational, calming way of eating became my new plan. Having control without the clutter of a million ingredients per recipe, a million products in the larder, became my gorgeous system. And by cleaning my diet and my larder, I became thin. Thinner than any version of my Bulimic self.
Bulimia existed because I loved the taste of food, not because I stuffed my face to cancel emotion, like so many Bulimics claim. As a gorgeous, teeny tiny client who reads my blog mentioned, “I like being small. It’s nice not dealing with a lump here and a bulge there.” Claiming to be much older than me, my client has never lived with Anorexia or Bulimia, but rather appreciates the loveliness of flaunting a gorgeous dress with sky high heels. She loves looking pretty in cute yoga pants at the dog park. It’s nicer being thinner. At any age. Even Gwendolyn thinks so. Thirty-five pounds, 2010.
Twenty-seven pounds, 2013.
That first non-Bulimic morning, one of soberness, was truly magnificent. Vomit-covered enamel and laxative-induced grumbles were moments of yesteryear. Energetic yoga and a wine-complimented film spirited the day’s remainder. There existed no craving to eat the apartment for the sake of polishing off another successful day of overconsumption, only preparing for a new fresh start at the midnight hour. This was my last fresh start.
And I kept my promise to Gwendolyn, for that entire day.
And for the day after.
And even for my 29th birthday, the first in 11 years without bingeing and purging.
On this day, I stand proudly at two years, six months, and five days without Bulimia. It shall be forevermore without Bulimia. Constantly evolving are my diet, my philosophy, and my body; and change is simply fabulous.
To formally answer the question of Anne, on that first day, my objective was to create a plan to prevent the bingeing which, of course, was the culprit of purging. Thus I ate simply. Cleanly. And in a pretty fashion. I knew that chaos simply triggered more chaos, so I broke things down to their elements. And this pattern still exists in my diet, to this day.
Breakfasts, back then, consisted of a Met-RX Peanut Butter Pretzel Bar and Apple. This system morphed into KIND bars which now exists as something vegan, plus or minus cashew cheese kale chips. Always lots of coffee.
Lunches, Ahi tuna salads at restaurants with colleagues. This system morphed into nuts with gin. And now to something like a vegan salad from Trader Joe’s.
Dinner, two-quarts of Vegetable & Bean Curd Soup from the Chinese Restaurant. Two or three glasses of wine. Sometimes fortune cookies. Sometimes not. Eventually, this habit turned into sushi, without the cookies. And gin, with wine only on weekends. Nowadays, I am completely vegan, recently having eliminated vegan meats, rather eating boxed bean soups and or peanut butter. Very clean. Very simple.
Furthermore, back then, during the early days of clean, Bulimic-free living, I’d eat Dairy (Fage yoghurts and the occasional Casein-adorned veggie cheese). Eggs here and there, too.
At three months of Bulimic-free living, however, a model friend complimented my skin. This, I attributed to my almost-dairy-free existence thus slashing dairy completely to become even more ‘perfect‘. Eggs went next. They made me feel dirty.
On Sundays, I ate more: items such as wheat pasta, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, etcetera. These ‘splurges’ eventually went, too. The foods became unsafe as my brain realised my post-bulimic weight loss. “If I eat this junk, will I get fat”?
Each Monday morning, I was surprised to awaken without a Bulimic hangover.
Each month, I became thinner.
February, 2011.
March.
April.
May.
June.
July.
August.
September.
October.
As time progressed and the Bulimic weight fully shed, I became more stringent, more worried that I would gain it back. Disappointingly, I stopped practicing yoga and have recently realised that yoga is important for maintenance of a thin body. Thus I am practicing again, earning back my yoga body. Despite my perceived rigidity on this subject of my life, I am happy to announce my comfort in achieving balance.
My balance.
Evolving.
Intuitively.
And healthfully.
Although not suitable to those inclined toward Anorexia, my recommendation for Bulimics is to decompose the diet to the basics. Simple ingredients. One or two per meal. Build from there. And build slowly. For a Bulimic, the stable diet must come first. Create one that works. And a stable, gorgeous life shall follow. xo
What have you done, to stop the bingeing and purging?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011 – 2013.
Nicole, I’ve never commented before, although I have been reading sporadically for years. Sometimes I agree with you, and sometimes I sit back aghast – but I always have something new to think about after reading one of your posts. You definitely see things in a different way to most – the way you put together different thoughts and string together disparate ideas is fascinating (even those who can’t stand you, I’m sure, would agree with me on that).
Now, onto my point. I have never been bulimic in that I didn’t purge, but I suppose used restricting as my method of purging. Binge, restrict, binge, restrict, repeat. For roughly 8 or 9 years. Although I have been “underweight” many times, I would still classify my major issue as binging. When I binge, I’m simply not me anymore – that’s the real problem – it affects my entire life. I won’t go deeply into it because half of it is surely the obvious (self esteem, self worth, health) but also the part many people try to deny is a factor (feeling confident getting naked in front of men, fitting in my skinniest jeans, feeling dainty/petite, looking good in photographs, inspiring jealousy in others). I don’t want to be disordered, but in all honesty, as “feminist” as I am, I don’t want to be fat. Ever. On an objective level I see the benefits of being thin and being what is seen as a socially acceptable look for a woman, in relationships, in my career, when buying clothes and so on.
I do sometimes think you are deceiving yourself to think you can lead a life with so many food rules and restrictions and believe you are not disordered – but then I have to stop and think again when I read a post like this. That’d be the common refrain of most “ED experts”, Fat Acceptance activists, bloggers, etc. But yet I am exactly the same. I don’t want to be disordered, I don’t want to be ill or die. I personally feel I am making a choice to stop binging, and to others that often seems overtly restrictive or “disordered”. But it’s not – to me it is both a) the only way I can not binge (which is extremely detrimental my mental health and need for a bountiful life), b) a choice towards happiness and life, and c) normal. Or what normal has to be for me personally.
So yes. I have had slip ups, but the absolute only way I have beat binging is by being harsh with my choices and completely eliminating the things that have caused me to binge. For me that means eating clean, eating unprocessed foods in their natural state, eliminating many entire food groups, tracking how much I eat. The end result is I do generally hover at a lower/underweight weight range with my small frame, and my sometimes strictness causes people to question me on occasion, or try to throw the anorexic label on me. I’m not. I want to tell people that they haven’t seen me disordered: this is health, for me.
The popular discourse about bulimia, binging, and EDs is generally: to be “over it” or recovered, you must eat like “everyone else”, eating everything with no fussiness but perfectly moderately, never think about your food choices or body ever again, be the picture of perfect “intuitive eating”. How many recovered ED people have achieved that? How many “NORMAL” people have ever achieved that? We musn’t be living in the same world then.
So, once again, you have made me think about things differently.
Elle, Thank you so very much for your comment. I am nodding my head up and down, delighted that you’ve come forward with such raw offering. There are, indeed, others like us, those who are/were bulimic for pure aesthetic reasons. And I know that each person who reads your comment is totally affected by it, me included.
Regardless of why we ate the food, we got rid of it, me through purging, you through restriction (and probably over-exercising?). Therefore, we classify as Bulimic (at least in my interpretation of the word). I am flattered to know that I’ve made you think, more than once, and I very much crave your next contribution, here or elsewhere.
My questions, in reply to your comment, are the following…
You said, “I do sometimes think you are deceiving yourself to think you can lead a life with so many food rules and restrictions and believe you are not disordered”… Even if I did consider myself as ‘disordered’, (which I do not), why can a person NOT ‘lead a life’ under such circumstances? Why is such clean, perfect eating, in your opinion, regarded as ‘disordered’? Because society and the DSM says so? Or because you truly feel that our way of eating is unhealthy and debilitating to quality of life?
And I am most curious about your final comment. You continued… “but then I have to stop and think again when I read a post like this.” What is ‘a post like this’? What about this post is so compelling to you? Is it because of my history and because of my beating the odds? Is it because I am so confident? Is it because I don’t care of what others think?
Thank you again, so much, for your gorgeous feedback. Hoping to hear from you again!
Nicole, you say in this very article: “Bulimia existed because I loved the taste of food, not because I stuffed my face to cancel emotion”. Then, in a response to Elle, who, by the way, spoke so eloquently (hehe…alliteration), you said: “There are, indeed, others like us, those who are/were bulimic for pure aesthetic reasons.” Those are two very, very different things. Either you were bulimic because you liked food (which, for the record, I think is bull***), or you were bulimic for aesthetic reasons. It’s not both, especially because you used the word “pure” when referring to aesthetics.
Bulimia is a two part process.
1.) The bingeing.
2.) The purging.
One part relates to the taste of food.
One part relates to the maintenance of thin lines.
Go on.
Sound it out.
“Sound it out” implies that the source(s) of bulimia are phonetic, which, of course, they are not. In any event, this is another glaring example of you contradicting yourself. Your condescending tone will not distract me from the fact that, often times, you make zero sense.
‘Sound it out’ was my kind way of being snarky right back to you, LindsAy. I stand by my gorgeous reply. Btw, welcome back. ;)
You asked “Why is such clean, perfect eating, in your opinion, regarded as ‘disordered’?
My answer to that question is: Because your every waking moment, your every action and your entire being is devoted to what you think is “perfect eating”.
That, my darling, is called obsession.
Obsession is unhealthy.
It is unbalanced.
Your life is unbalanced.
Therefore, you are unhealthy.
See the logic?
Perfect EVERYTHING.
Not just perfect EATING.
Who defines balance? The individual who is the body? Or something else?
I love this ! Both your post and Elle’s comment.
My history as a “disordered foodie” was anorexia
BUT
I do exhibit binge/purge type behavior with stuff. I’m like a hoarder but cyclicly I purge my space.
overwhelmed by the weight of it all (odd how it is still a “weight” ??) The anxiety level I experience gets physically painful.
I have been in purge mode for the past couple of weeks. I’m amazed at the amount of crap I bring into my space. I have “owned” enough stuff in my lifetime to make me say wtf??
I only really noticed it since I have stayed put in one apartment for the longest ever in my life and I have lived here alone. I’ve been through this B/P cycle of the stuff about 5 times over the last ten years. It’s always accompanied by a growing anxiety. I have trouble leaving the house a lot because I get stuck on “what to take with me” depending on where I’m going.
I’m the Jerk.
xoxoxo
Ha ha ha! Yasha, your comment made me LOL because I am absolutely NOT a hoarder when it comes to ‘stuff’, but I am rather a purger!!! I LOVE to throw away items, and I even do it for my friends. To play on the ridiculousness of the DSM, just call me the Anorexic Sub Type II of Stuff. LOL!
I absolutely despise having ‘things’ which are not necessary and will always toss / give away / beg the trash fellow to enter my apartment and remove the items which are too heavy for me! Yes, he has done that for me because I am quite the damsel in distress, LOL.
But to feel anxious because of stuff? I can never imagine that; yet I know, because of your explanation, that such situations do, indeed, exist. I can. of course, fully imagine feeling anxious from having too much food in my body. Been there done that.
So what do you make of this correlation? Are anorexia and bulimia just global definitions of consumption/purging/restriction situations regardless of the subject? Food, stuff, sex, medicine, drugs, clothes, etcetera? Or should these terms of anorexia/bulimia just be reserved for eating and food patterns?
I vote the former.
Where do you stand?
I would vote with the former too.
(Although technically, I suppose anorexia/bulemia are by definition food-related. terms.)
But yes, that cycle I think can have many manifestations.
And levels of intensity.
Off topic, I like the minimalist style very much but could never pull it off.
I love Elle’s comment so much! And truly, how many of the HLB (bloggers) really want to eat “normally” and be like the rest of the people, eating everything in moderate amounts with no restrictions? I know I don’t want that for myself. I know I like my strict meal plan and clean eating with vegetables, some fruit (not too much) pure whole grains, limited amounts of protein with chicken. I know that not only in my heart but openly I don’t want to have a “regular” eating pattern and foods. I love the foods I eat and look forward to them every single time, but I don’t obsess over food (because I always know what I’m going to eat – being on a meal plan) and have no anxiety over it. Am I recovered from my ED (100% anorexia)? Yes and no. Physically I am looking fine (though very thin), but mentally I know that I am mostly managing the ED, and I’m OK with that. I still feel that I am in a much better spot than I was 10 years ago.
Nicole, I don’t have experience with binging/purging, but I had to comment anyway because your post is so interesting to me.
xoxoxoxo
Francoise
Françoise, We’ve both been to Hell and back. Yet our Hells were two different places. Yours North and mine South? Oh how lovely it is, to meet in between. I love you, and I am so very grateful, every single day of my life, for your friendship. Thank you for divulging what you have divulged. We are so similar in our diets except for my ability to lose control and “to take care of it.” xo
I hear too much obsession about food/exercise/diet to ever be convinced that love of food is the issue rather than control really being the only issue everyone needs to be “treated” for. My ? is this…do you truly believe obsessing over your consumption of food, and how you look, is healthy? I think the focus needs to be far more internal rather than external. The idea that being thin is the be-all, end-all leads to a shallow, empty life.
Chew on this a while before answering, heatedly defensive, sitting upon your high horse. You can chew a long, long time on this without fear of gaining an ounce…it is calorie free:)
Time after time, I remind my readers that NicoleAndGwendolyn.com is NOT a dear diary. I do NOT write about all faucets of my life at this forum. This forum was selected with two subjects in mind: eating ‘disorders’ and dogs. Thus I write about those subject matters which have since morphed into my own individual sense of ‘normal’ and living and breathing my normal, rather than being mongered by a book known as the DSM simply because I am ‘different’.
That said, I shall remind you that I am passionate about EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING that I do. I am passionate about every single factor that is Nicole Marie Story. I am passionate about mothering my dog. I am passionate about a man. I am passionate about my outside. I am passionate about my inside. I am passionate about washing my dishes. I am passionate about having a fantastically organised linen closet, reflecting one of The Ritz Carlton. I am passionate about my company. I am passionate about finding my Burberry sunglasses which I misplaced just the other day. I am passionate about my friends. I am passionate about select family members. I just don’t write about my passion for these items at THIS FORUM because THESE ITEMS are not the subject of THIS blog. Yes, food and dogs weave into those items, and I shall mention them here and there… but my passion that you chastise? It is not just with regard to my physical stature. It is with regard to life! I am so passionate about life, and for that, I shall never be ashamed or made to feel bad. Chew on that, friend. ;) :D
Faucets of life!! Amazing!
Also, you should probably look up what “monger” means.
Thank you for citing my words as amazing! I exist simply over the moon with happiness about your excitement for my gorgeous literary skills. I appreciate your pretty readership, Alex! ;)
I’m curious: why do you choose to
misuse the word “exist” instead of just saying, “am?”
How am I misusing the word “exist?”
You use it instead of a variant of “to be.” It’s a very weird and clunky construction.
Weird and clunky?
Or misuse?
Weird and clunky to me, is a pair of Anne Klein’s.
But not to someone on a strict shoe budget.
Nicole, I truly don’t think you’re even on the same planet with the rest of us anymore. It’s so sad. I truly do wish sobriety and treatment for you someday.
Yes, I am blogging from Neptune! You are the detective of the year.
I am sad due to a broken heart; but, nonetheless, I have no qualms about snarking on your fat ass.
Fuck you, and happy Sunday! :D
I am, in fact, a 114-lb. dance teacher, but hey, if that’s fat to you, that’s fine. It’s so boring that you choose to call people names. I wonder if that’s why your guy took off?
My apologies – was drinking and imaginative:) Stupid comment? sure. But way to be defensive. For the record, I don’t give a fuck about any details of your life, including your weight and profession. So don’t waste my time. And he didn’t take off;)
Elle’s comment is an excellent response to an incredibly insightful article – one of your best, I feel.
I have no experience of purging, but enough experience with bingeing in 27 years to last ten lifetimes. Some might say I exercise as a method of purging, and perhaps that is the case in a way, but I do not exercise (particularly run) to purge my food. I exercise to purge my emotions, my anxiety, and to make me feel…something. Mostly I am dead to all emotion except sadness, regret and fear. And yet when I exercise (specifically run) my eating is better; I am more relaxed, more controlled, less frantic. I binge when I do not run, so therefore it seems a perverse theory indeed that my running should be a method of purging food.
Perhaps I listened to one too many therapists with specious reasoning – until this post I was convinced of the ‘bingeing to stuff down emotions’ theory, but to an extent my overeating (though not bingeing – that is, I now believe, entirely self-punishment) IS through sheer greed. I like eating, I want to stop so badly but the allure of certain food is too strong. The 10,000 calorie binges to the point of sickness are not greed because I do not desire the food – I desire to hurt myself as much as possible. I do this in other ways, but food is the most distressing because, like Elle, being fat (or even fatter than I am, as Elle is a LOT thinner than me judging by her comment) is just intolerable. If people were ever honest, they would say the same. NO-ONE wants to be fat, not even fat acceptance movements. Note the word ‘acceptance’ – it’s a case of making peace with the state of your body, not desiring it.
I wish I could be like Elle, like Francoise, like Yasha and like you. You all manage slightly different disorders but you are all controlled, precise…there’s an air of elegance and grace about you. Whereas I feel dirty, disgusting, out of control, gluttenous and just repugnant in every possible way. All of that comes from the constant desire to binge, only quietened by running. This problem is embarrassing – few other mental health issues manifest in such a visibly physical way. Pain is written all over the body of the anorexic, silent denial and ‘noble’ suffering…but few see the pain of the morbidly obese binge eater, just as tortured, cursed not only with the same level of distress as the anorexic but with the revolting physical consequences on top of that.
I used to despise that quote, but at the time Kate Moss made it I was, myself, skinny, underweight BMI, whatever. Now I still don’t like Kate Moss (her playing dumb act and accent infuriate me) but that quote rings horribly true. The trouble is, when you’re so far away from ever feeling ‘skinny’ again, the instant gratification of food seems to outweigh the promise of being thin, and beautiful, in the future.
xxx
My reply is to Jess: I often feel as if you look at yourself through a “funhouse” mirror. Granted you are not as thin as you once were, but you have an athletic & muscular frame that most women would desire to have. You’re also a damn good runner!! I hope your injuries heal quickly and you can get back to running and feeling something other than sadness. Be good to yourself.
Jess I am a wreck a lot of the time too. with all the grace of a chimpanzee in the Bronx zoo.
I know how it feels to be the most fucked up human being on the planet. It’ll pass.
Yasha, Your advice to Jess is perfect!!!!!!!!!
Jess, Your comment truly speaks to my heart because I very much know the pain associated with just being ‘normal’ and dealing with commentary from others who read my blog: “Oh, you look so healthy now!”… (my brain: “Yeah, but you have no idea what I’m doing to correct this ugly fat.”… “Yeah, clearly you don’t get it. My point is that a person can exist at ANY size and be bulimic. I’m thinner now than I was then, moron”… “Yeah, give me two months, and we’ll see what you say.”). And recently, a man mentioned to me, “Gisele is too thin.”… (my brain: “So what are you saying about me? That I’m not? Yes, I know I’m not right now. Thanks for reminding me, buster. No dinner tonight!”).
It’s torturous not to be recognised for thinness. And Elle hit the nail on the head. She specifically mentioned that “feeling confident getting naked in front of men, fitting in my skinniest jeans, feeling dainty/petite, looking good in photographs, inspiring jealousy in others” are benefits to thinness. Hell yes. She could have written the motives of my mind.
So I feel your pain. I don’t binge and purge anymore, but I do, indeed, deal with the reality of my ugly body. But I am working on it, and I am happy to know that we are working on ours together. xo
So, you said:
“being fat … is just intolerable. If people were ever honest, they would say the same. NO-ONE wants to be fat, not even fat acceptance movements. Note the word ‘acceptance’ – it’s a case of making peace with the state of your body, not desiring it.”
I ask you to consider that this might be more of a personal projection vs. a every-person-that-ever-existed-agrees type of thing. I know it might *seem* that way, but it really worth considering if it is true. Because it might be the prevailing attitude among a selected group, that’s where the idea that people must seek “acceptance” comes in. You could accept those that were skinny as well given a different societal attitude within a group. Do you think that if someone lived on an island for the first 25 years of their lives and had exposure to language, but not the culture of clothing, entertainment, etc. and then suddenly were introduced to others, would the idea of “oh, those people are fat & so intolerable! I guess the only thing I can do is merely accept them” immediately pop into every single person’s head?
I personally find much different ways of judging my body and what I “desire” for it. I love walking and biking as a way to experience life, explore and find new photography subjects. I desire the health necessary to allow me to perform those actions. When I hurt my knee while running last year, I was so frustrated. I normally walked over 5 miles a day just to simply get to work and go out to lunch and suddenly I could barely walk at all. I had a camping and hiking trip planned 10 days later that was no longer possible. At that point, my main desire for my body was to be healed and allow me to have my freedom to roam on foot or bike once again. After much swimming, stretching & squats, I am glad to be mostly healed now and being back to a place in life where I have a body closer to the one that I desired, the one that allows me to live with a love for where my legs take me.
Hello Nicole,
It’s nice of you to show your readers your post Bulimic journey. It’s interesting that you lost weight after you stopped purging and your metabolism has evened out on it’s own. Speaking of weight loss the next chapter begins for me begins next month. My due date is February 8th. I’m having a little girl. :) I can’t wait to meet my daughter but, I’m also excited to start running again. Are you using your Garmin GPS watch?
I love love love love love love love love love that you are almost finished with your pregnancy! I cannot wait to meet your little girl via pictures, and I cannot wait to read about your running adventures! I bet those legs are ready to go!!! :D I hope she’s born one day late so that she can share my birthday. And I have not charged my GPS watch since before Christmas. I am a bad girl. :)
I feel like i’m from another planet reading this and the comments. To me you are describing a pull in the opposite direction to your bingeing – instead you began restricting. If a food made you fearful or triggered you or you thought it might be fattening, you cut it out. You listened to your emotional response to the food rather then logical – for example, it could have been any number of things that caused your skin to look better – in fact just stopping purging would have gone a long way to do that – less dehydration, catastrophic chemical inbalances etc – yet you attribute it to less dairy without any actual concrete proof that it was so, that’s emotional. To me, anyway. (all this is IMO). Your focus has been on weight loss to the point where it’s still ruled your life and your intake. So you really have just gone from bulimia to maybe EDNOS – and if you call what you had Bulimia, you really do need to accept other diagnoses you might have under the DSM – you can’t have it both ways – that’s just being a hypocrite.
I don’t think you realise what eating clean actually is. There is nothing clean about most of those foods, they have a zillion ingredients.
The DSM is a crock, and mental illness is a myth. EDNOS? Ha. My fat is jiggling from laughter at reminder that such a laughing stock exists.
See: Thomas Szasz. See: My philosophy. See: http://www.nicoleandgwendolyn.com/i-have-homosexuality.
Do respect my philosophy, if and when you desire to comment at my forum.
I respect your philosophy sure. But if mental illness doesn’t exist and the DSM is crock – you never had Bulimia.
You’re right. I never “had” anything nor do I claim to have “had” anything. I exhibited a weakness in my control of food consumption. And I expunged my body of said food.
and eh! You aren’t fat. But you conjured up an image of a fat lady with bing wings jiggling like a 1970′s moulded jelly, thanks for the visual.
What is next for you? I read you are back at yoga and that’s a good thing. Not for the ‘exercise’ but for the wellbeing factor.
Do you think you will ever be able to focus on less trivial matters than body and appearance? If you have spent the past couple of years striving to be aesthetically pleasing to yourself and your efforts have mostly made you unhappy – it seems you are constantly berating your fat or going on another ‘project’ – then do you not think that it’s pretty futile to keep on striving that way? What about health overall and letting your body find a place that works best for it? With your yoga and your level of activity I’m pretty sure you would have a rocking body if you were able to trust it to find it’s own good place.
Did you miss the part of this article that declared my happiness about finding balance?
I was concentrating on the many many articles where you bemoaned your ‘fat’ and talked about wanting balance – but not having it, clearly.
Rational discussion about reality is regarded as moaning? Oh. ;)
half your blog is a big constant moan, my dear.
It’s interesting that you keep using the word “clean”. I think you still eat way too much processed crap to use that particular word to describe your diet.
How would you make it cleaner?
Cut out the processed foods.
So based on the fact that I eat simply, what do you recommend to be the replacement? A carrot stick?
Get rid of the bars & faux cheese. Replace the bottled condiments with dressings that you make yourself. Whole foods. Clean foods.
Clearly you missed the point of this article.
Clean is subjective.
So if I decided tomorrow that pepperoni pizza and Big Macs were “clean,” they would be?
Yes.
Except that they objectively aren’t. Words do have meanings!
To each her own! ;)
I just want to say that I agree: Skinny feels fantastic.
Hear ye! Hear ye!
“Skinny feels fantastic.”
End of story!
okay, nic, let’s quit all this “woe is me” b.s. and get back to basics, you do that very well.
you seem to be struggling for ideas for posts, so i shall give you a few ideas:
- how was your move? liking the new place better? nicer neighbors? new planet or closer to crazytown? what prompted your move?
- how is your “philanthropy” going? last i checked you were still below $300 – what are you doing to make sure you reach your goal of 5k? you haven’t said much of it since the announcement, and for such a worthy cause i’d think you’d be advertising it more to earn more profits. donations from 5-6 people is far from successful. i expect more from vous.
- granny! she looks divine in the old pic you posted of her, the jacket is amazing! how do you refuse to see her on holidays when your own father seems to be such a penis-wrinkle and she seems so fab?!
- the cheating! you have alluded to not really enjoying sex with people (only your ~devices~ GAG). vous have even compared the act of sex to barfing in previous posts. not to mention the faking of orgasms. question is, if you were in relations with someone that had your heart, why did you fuck someone so casually, especially when you don’t seem to particularly enjoy the act itself? what caused this lapse of judgement? should you’re “friends,” who seem to be few and far between (by choice, according to vous) be afraid for the potential betrayal caused by your inability to make sound decisions with regards to those you care the most about? and what in ayn rand’s name possessed you to post about it on your blog?!
finally, although I have rather enjoyed seeing a visual timeline of your descent into crazytown/planet nicole, I think you would get more comments than from 8 lovahs and interactions if you actually spoke to things your blog readers are interested in.
start a discussion. not about water. get back to you, unless the aforementioned move was back to Earth ;-)
in which case, welcome back, and namaste!
Thank you for your passionate inquiry. The owner of NicoleAndGwendolyn.com shall be certain to address your concerns if she desires to do such. Do check back!
Huh? stars in “My Day Job”
Bahahahahahaha!
And Huh? is NOT the pretty blonde located outside of the pit. :D
lulz! No, that was me grabbing you and heading out the door
I finally get it.
YOU ARE NOT BULIMIC. You do not have an eating disorder. You never had an eating disorder. You were never anorexic, bulimic, or EDNOS. Referring to your answer to Hic above about having a weakness where it came to food – and taking it out again.
There are MANY people out there who do not have eating disorders but do struggle big time with their eating and their weight – and you are, by your own admission one of them. You do NOT have an eating disorder. You are simply one of the people who have a screwed up relationship with food, and poor self control. You went on a crash diet (NOT anorexia) and lost a heap of weight, got a bit too thin (not all THAT thin, to be honest, if that photo is you at your lowest) then, because your body was so starving and your poor self control, you binged and purged and binged and purged and ended up fat as toad. And then you got sick of being fat, and decided to start dieting again but have fooled yourself that it’s ‘clean’ and ‘stylish’ or whatever. So yeah, you have a very screwed up body image and relationship with food, but the DSM is shit and mental illness doesn’t exist and you have NEVER had anorexia or bulimia.
SO DON’T SAY YOU DID. And DON’T call yourself bulimic. You aren’t.
Your blog is misleading – you need to cut out the stuff about having an eating disorder or managing it – because you don’t have one. You need to rename it as a weight loss blog, or a healthy living blog (laughing my head off at that, because it’s well known that healthy living blogs are a lot of crap by disordered people).
People who truly DO have eating disorders DO have a mental illness and struggle hugely. It causes them much distress and pain and shortens a lot of their lives, and I don’t care if you say it doesn’t exist, you can live in the dark ages and be uneducated and revel in your ignorance – but the reality is they are real. And widespread. And it is offensive to those of us who do have these disorders when someone who hasn’t got one and never had one, declares herself ‘bulimic’ and talks about managing it prettily, refers to what the ‘bulimic’ should do, etc etc etc.
Bahahaha.
Thanks, Fiona.
AKA the cheerleader for the ED club. ;)
Is she really a man, then?
(DUH)
I don’t understand your question.
The IP address of this commenter is the same for comments left by Fiona, Felicity, Eva, and Gorgeous, Dahling.
So unless the anorexic government funded commune features a computer lab (LOL), our commenter is most certainly resident looter numero uno.
Really, who cares. Let’s leave the girl alone. She’s sick.
I bet she also shares an IP with Scarlett, and a few other people I’ve seen you call Fiona over time, too, right?
You seem to have a thing about men.
The one which I’m currently seeing, yes.
You just can’t win! I loved this post and all of its insight. I liked the question which prompted this post anyways, and I enjoyed reading your answers to it. I *thought* that was the purpose of this post, but people love to dissect, memorize, compare, and pick apart every word you write all while missing the point of the post. What I saw with this entry was a glance into how you figured out how to stop b/p which is amazing. I think your meals are plentiful, healthy, and great, and if this website never mentioned anything about an eating disorder, you’d be praised for said healthy meals, not told over and over again you’re a lunatic who leads a horrible life being so restrictive. I guess I dont understand why others care, if you’re happy, you’re happy. Skinny is important to you (and me) so (we) control it, and that’s what this blog is about. I think one problem with girls letting go of their eating disorders is that they are afraid they will gain weight (not going into why people are or are not afraid to gain weight, everyone has their reason). Just knowing that you can let it go, and lose or maintain your weight is something that may give hope to someone struggling. This is the value in this post.
This is exactly why you’re my bbff. Fabulous comment. You get me. You get my blog. Skinny 4 life:) xo
Nothing tastes as good as HEALTHY feels. That’s what I would change that to. I cannot for the life of me imagine what skinny feels like. I feel I have never earned the right to call myself skinny. I have never looked in the mirror and seen ‘skinny’. I was at times ‘skinnier’ than I am now, but I have never felt skinny. But healthy? I have experienced the crispy clean feeling of eating a plant based high raw diet (which for ME was part of some residue problematic thinking in terms of eating as it allowed me to reach for perfection and follow “rules”, but a far cry from the bingeing and following restriction I experienced before. Most people however experience such diet as a liberation from troubled eating, so I want to underline that eating a raw diet in itself has nothing to do with eating disorders which people who don’t have experience with that way of eating might think). Within that period I also learned I didn’t need to give up my love for food in order to be healthy, that it was a myth that taste had to be sacrificed in order to be healthy.
But now I’m back to bingeing.
So why did I ever stray from that path and do I find it so hard to find my way back? I loved how I felt, I loved how I ate, I loved my energy, I loved how I exercised, I felt relatively at peace with myself (I’m not going to lie in part because I was losing weight and kept losing weight. I don’t know how I would have felt if that had halted.)
So why return to bingeing after having experienced firsthand that being healthy tastes as good as it feels? I guess for me, there is more to it than just the food. It’s about an explosive self-destructive drive with food as the weapon of choice. It’s about being overtly unhealthy. It’s about testing people, it’s about setting myself up for failure, it’s about having an excuse to not be perfect, an then becoming the perfect mess, it’s punishment, it’s escape, it’s weakness, it’s cowardice. And yes, it’s about desiring to be thin soooo much. Like you if feel it is a dance with the desire to be perfect, but I do feel I also use the food to cancel emotion about not able to be perfect.
I have to say Anne’s question is a difficult one, and it takes a lot of guts to take the responsibility to give advice to anyone as to how to eat. Simplicity is always a good one.
I simply love you.
And I just want to add one statement to your absolutely beautiful comment. For me, healthy is mind and body. The collection of all parts me equate to health, good or bad. If I am not thin, then I am angry. And anger is not a healthy. At least it is not for me. And I simply love you. xo
Reading the comments both from your readers and yourself, there are two things I don’t understand. First, what people find objectionable about your diet. Your food seems tasty and healthy and I want some. It’s not perfect (sorry), but that isn’t the point! No one’s diet is perfect and yet people act like that is a reasonable standard. Jesus.
Second, feeling jealous of skinny women. If I had seen you at your thinnest anorexic weight I would have been shit scared for you and sad but not even remotely jealous. Things that would make me jealous – your yoga strength and flexibility, your dog, your sushi, your hair, your clothes which make you so happy. But even then, I have never thought “Oh I hate that bitch and her cute puppy.” When I say jealous I mean something else, something like “Oh I should make more of an effort to look cute every day, and I have to get my ass back to yoga and stick it out this time and I want sushi. Now.” Jealousy doesn’t have to hurt, or maybe I’m just using the word wrong.
Perhaps I spoke out of line. The old bulimic NMS craved for persons to be jealous of my body. I was jealous, and that is precisely of why i stayed away from diet/ED forums during that time period. But the former bulimic NMS does not crave to ignite jealousy in persons. I do crave to be recognised for my great body, but I would never want a person to covet my body because that’s not a nice way to live. Thank you for your very nice compliments on my hair and yoga. You’ve just helped me to say hello to my yoga mat tonight before greeting that martini. xo
I do totally covet your arms and toned waist, but fortunately I’m feeling it as more inspirational than self-flagellating.
BELIEVE me, I’m working to get both features back!!! So let’s work together:)
Beautifully put my friend!! I think a clean simple diet and exercise of ones choice is THE key to a balanced healthy life and a thin happy body!! It’s not hard, but not many people want to do the work. I do not feel sorry for those that think a nice figure will come easy. For those that do have it easy on the outside, are rotting on the inside. Eggs and dairy make me feel dirty too.
I’ve said this a thousand times, but you are so wise beyond your years. I believe that Françoise first brought this to my attention with my Jacquie O. post. She said that Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis worked damn hard for her gorgeous body. It made me realise that one does not need to ‘struggle’ for ‘thin’. One simply must work hard. You do it. I do it. Françoise does it. And I’ll be damned if I allow thin to escape me due to laziness. I love you, my friend!!! xo
What made you decide to stop eating vegan meat?
Was it an issue with the soy or wheat in it (depending on the brand)?
I am living with a man, and I do not desire to cook in front of him. :)
Oh I didn’t realize!
Living with someone (especially a man) is always a big change.
Believe me, I am totally not opposed to having the vegan chicken experience when staying with clients, which I have been doing all week. It’s just that I haven’t felt compelled to eat it. But tonight? I am 100% craving raw fish. Perhaps I shall break the bond with the vegan life. :) Stay tuned to my WIAW for more details on that! ;)
Sometimes your body knows best and you have to go with it when it craves something healthy!
Listening to our bodies is always important.
Yes, and I think that fish is healthy!!!
Tonight might be the night!
Says my abnormal Thursday wine? Or says my heart? Or says my nutritional requirements?
We shall see. ;)
Sooooooo interested!! ;-)
So exciting. Sorry, couldn’t help responding when you said the above. Hope it is going the way you wish. Love to you.xo j and h
Love to j and h! :D
Are you living with a different man to the man you are ‘seeing’?
He’s a bit rude to not have assisted you with the purchasing of all your furniture and kitchen effects.
Does he piss you off keeping a kitchen full of food – or does he purchase his prettily (un)clean diet every time he feels like eating? How do you not eat his food? Does it worry you?
And does he get pissed off when you keep him up all hours of the night?
It’s not like you not to spew all the details over the internet – do tell.
My behaviour around spaces where food is shared/maintained is similar to my behaviour with restaurant dining. It’s all a stage.
My housemate is well in bed long before I even begin to decide buying dinner.
My schedule does not affect him, as we live in a large space.
I buy my own everything.
Your other questions are personal, and I decline to answer.
I’m sure it’s a big adjustment to go from living alone to with a random roommate off of Craigslist, I wish you luck.
Oh yes ;)
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my questions:) In my opinion, this I one of your most interesting posts yet!
As a former bulimic, of course I would love to be able to flip the disordered eating switch in my head to the off mode. I would love to not have any foods off limits, and to be able to open a bag of potato chips and eat just one. The truth is, although I’m not purging anymore, I feel like I will never be able to eat just one of anything! To keep my eating on track, it’s so important for me to have safe foods and have structure in my diet. And although you might be criticized for skipping a meal when you don’t feel hungry, or having a martini for lunch, you have to do what works for YOU. We all do. And fuck anyone who doesn’t get that:)
Fuck anyone who does not get that, indeed!!!
Anne, I must thank you tremendously for catalysing such a gorgeous discussion (how much do you want to bet that at least five looters will chastise me for using the word gorgeous? LOL).
I, too, can eat one of nothing.
When I buy vegan cheesy kale chips? It’s breakfast. Or lunch. Because I shall certainly eat the entire container! :D
Thank you again! Please ask anything else that might create another fab discussion!
xo
I had raging bulimia for a while. What did my diet look like right when I stopped? Well…hmm. I think what happened was, I started allowing myself to eat a meal of something I particularly liked, and forcing myself to stop when it was reasonably consumed (i.e., if it was a huge restaurant meal, I wouldn’t let myself eat the whole thing). I seem to recall a lot of breakfast pancake orders. I was really into pancakes for a while. I would let myself have some butter on them, too. The butter thing was big. Fat-gram restriction was the vogue thing at the time, and I was horrified by fat. (Now I do the equally annoying carb thing, which I’m way late on the bandwagon…I admit I liked the “no fat” diet so much better, because BREAD HAS NO FAT, but shit, the carb thing WORKS.)
I WAS A PANCAKE ADDICT, TOO!!!!!!!!! :D
But that was during Bulimia.
Buckwheat with sugar free syrup and butter.
Delicious. :)
You have more control than I do. I could never ever ever eat those in a healthy manner… at least not with the local naturals store just around the corner, selling the blueberry stuffed versions that are vegan/gluten free. (That is what I imagine – having a gorgeous breakfast at the restaurant… and then seeking MORE). That is why I stick to martinis on Sundays… and lo! It is Sunday. ;)
Congrats on two years, six months, and five days! That’s amazing!
Much appreciated, mademoiselle! Thank you so very much! :D
I am (mostly) an emotional rather than aesthetic b/per. Maybe it would be easier to resist the urges if it was merely about food and not controlling excessive amounts of sadness, rage and panic (believe me, I do not in any way enjoy the taste of most of my b/p foods when it is emotional, and if I do then that is sheer coincidence of having a tasty food on hand at the time). I refuse to take medication, but my current non b/p coping methods are not much better – smoking and self injury. Though I guess at least slicing myself open won’t make me any fatter than I already am, I might even lose some weight from the blood loss hahaha.
I wish the Kate Moss method worked for me. Sadly thinking of skinny doesn’t make the distress go away, it heightens it if anything.
Losing weight from blood loss. Oh! Your comment resonates with my history so much!
Not sure if you recall, but I have written about losing blood due to a controversial elective procedure (Year 2003), and despite the nastiness of said procedure, I was, at the time, delighted to be losing blood because it meant losing weight. So I get you.
Cutting freaks me the fuck out. I only did it once (Letter to My Parents from 2002).
Take care of you!
I care. And I hope that you do, too. xo
Hi Nicole!
Happy New Year! What a great post- one of my favorites from you. I appreciate your sharing how you began eating normally, as someone trying to break the binge/purge cycle. Anyway, I have decided that January 17th will be the day I change my relationship with food, and I look forward to sharing my approach as I learn what works. This may sound silly, but on Thursday a new supermarket opens in my neighborhood. I want that new supermarket to be a place where I only buy the food I need and not binge food.
You said “For a Bulimic, the stable diet must come first. Create one that works. And a stable, gorgeous life shall follow.” I certainly hope I find a stable, gorgeous life. If I don’t, I’d rather be healthy and fit with a crappy life than bulimic and puffy with a crappy life. One thing at a time, right? Have a wonderful Sunday!
I am counting down the days until the 17th arrives!!!!!!!!!
Lea, I had a fucking terrible day.
Broke a heart. Had my heart broken, too.
But your message just lifted me from the negative bullshit.
My life is dedicated to this blog (and my dog)… not to a man.
And I am so fucking happy to share in your success.
Please make the 17th your day. Today at midnight was my new day – a cleaner, prettier, better diet that works for me so that I’m not so fucking angry all of the time about my big blob of fatness.
Do keep me posted on your triumph over the bulimic bitch.
PS: Is it a Whole Foods? Stay away from the vegan general tso’s!!! :D
Nicole, I am so sorry you’re heartbroken- you don’t deserve to be.
So the 17th it is! I’m determined to make a change and it means a lot to me to be able to share that with you.
I’m taking a trip to LA in three months. I associate LA with an aesthetic, thin ideal- so I don’t want to go out there unless I’m happy with both my health and my appearance, and I also don’t want to cancel my trip. I was looking up things to do in LA, and it occurs to me that if I start saving money by not wasting it on food- I could afford to have a nice trip (such as a better hotel, spa time, or shopping). I think that’s good motivation to get started- smiling as I write this.
LOL- it’s not a Whole Foods, just a Kroger. I wish it was a Whole Foods! BTW- I hope you’re feeling better tonight both mentally and physically.
Lea, You smiled, just thinking about affording better hotel and shopping due to lack of binge purge. And I’m smiling, just thinking about the calmness that shall exist in your life. BELIEVE ME, you must NOT let down your guard. Because even on day one, you shall want to fuck it up. But don’t.
Two more days!!! :D Actually, one day and 18 minutes for you. I am so fucking excited.
LA. Clean eating. Makes me think of our girl Portia. Makes me think of Samantha Jones when she dated the celibate yoga man and drank green shots with him.
My heart is no longer broken. I have a boyfriend. I am in love for the first real time in my life. :)
And I will be emailing you in less than two days. xo
truly one of the most interesting and provocative posts with comments here that I’ve read.
I read through last night, and can’t keep up with the thoughts racing through my head.
The best path clearly will not be the same for us all….
First, while I know people mean skinny as a compliment, I find it insulting, and I want to be extremely lean but very strong. The beautiful photograph of the dancers at the bottom of your post is perfect. They are strong, beautiful examples of the very best of the human form and the word BALANCE is key.
To that end, I find Kate Moss repugnant on many levels. Of course she is beautiful, but I can’t think of her without assuming that she chain smoked while pregnant, that she couldn’t beat a 6 year old in an arm wrestling contest, and what a terrible model she is for her daughter. She makes me think of the rotted ugly nurse in Shallow Hal – if her outside matched her inner health..I hope she’s healthier now than she has been in the past but it’s a relief not to envy her.
Nicole, one of the things you’ve mentioned over recent blogs was devoting yourself to perfection in many aspects of your life. I find that to be disconcerting. For me, the all consuming quest for a perfect ‘whaever’ is one of the ways I distract myself from anxiety. A place to put my energy by spending hours searching online, driving around town, seeking the magic thing. It might be a toilet brush (that was this week) or gray jeans (that was last year – 3 pairs and not sure I’m done yet) but often it will be something that I can no longer have that I must search for endlessly – and if I ever do find it – well. It doesn’t change my life after all.
Buying things to try to fill the hole inside me and to comfort myself from anxiety, and then experiencing the crushing anxiety of the crap in our house that is caving in on me. Trying to PURGE those items that are imperfect. I really ‘get’ having anxiety over things and wanting to jettison those items that fall short.
Binging and purging is also something I do to fill the hole and to comfort myself (explaining that to dr this week, when she observed that I was punishing myself by cutting off the purging – that the binge was the punishment – I had to tell her it was ALL punishment and a reward, both the binge and the purge). hell, you can’t get much more efficient than that, can you??
Drinking is a way to quell my anxieties. I wish I were able to drink right now – but interferes with my meds, forcing me to stop. Alcohol usually sparks my very worst binges, so it’s got to be completely off limits for me right now. There is a RULE to follow – the bottle says not to drink! OBEY!
For now, I am not drinking or purging. I’m having trouble finding ways not to bing but I’m working on it.
I’ve been thinking about having an eating plan and if the safety and structure of having to stick to a schedule would help me. It does sometimes for other things – so it might here but do not know. I get caught up in the RULES part – because I’m a rule follower – and I’m not able to vary off the path. Too many choices are impossible for me to manage, no choice because there are rules can be great, but then my brain won’t let me off the hook when I’m being stupid. Too many rules are paralyzing for me and no structure at all is chaos….so finding the path to balance….very very challenging.
sorry for length – dunno if any of this makes sense to anyone else -there are so many voices above that resonate for me (not all of it of course!!) but it’s a big help for me to know the combination of challenges each of us faces may be unique – but others are struggling with some of the same puzzle pieces….
I feel like I’ve just read my fucking brain.
Which leads me to question, are persons who think like us, inclined to mother pugs?
And why?
Do we know that pugs will present us with the necessary challenge to stay engaged?
Or do we just love gorgeous beings? :D
I’m drinking right now, after having my heart broken (caused by me, of course), so pardon my experimental thought!
But fuck. Bingeing as punishment? Yes. Purging? Always was a reward, for me. Not punishment. It was my special ability to rid the body of the waste. It was never a punishment. It was a way back to gorgeousness.
xo
I totally understand this and what you mean about fixating on making something “perfect.”
A friend of mine, who was struggling with an eating disorder at the time, had a project due for a class and needed to make a model building as a small part of it. She spent all night making it “perfect” but didn’t complete any of the other things she needed to do for her classes the next day despite the fact the model was actually the smallest portion of the project.
Of course, by focusing on one small thing she was able to ignore all the things she was actually worried about. It was a way to cope, a very ineffective way, sadly. But I think a lot of people do that and struggle with that type of thing (she also used drinking and drugs to cope for a while).
On the up side, after several years of struggle she’s doing really well now!
I think it’s great you quit bingeing and purging! I am really interested though if you have any thoughts on overcoming the same thing for a person who is thin. I know it’s pretty common to become overweight in bulimia but personally, i have lost below where I was even given that I had anorexia first (diagnosed, and maintaining a bmi around 16). With bulimia I’ve dropped to a bmi around 14 and i am simply terrified of becoming “fat.” I can’t even bear the thought of going back to my anorexic body, much less the “healthy” weight I maintained before my ED!!
SOmetimes I envy you because you had everything to gain (or should i say lose? haha!) by quitting bulimia and then losing the weight. BUt i am SURE I will gain if i quit purging! I would love to see a post about this or something and i hope nothing was offensive about my comment.
Juliet,
Thank you for this comment! Moderating it earlier this week from my mobile, I didn’t reply because it involves too much thought! And then I couldn’t remember to which article you commented, but I have just found the comment!!! Yay!
I am afraid that I do not have any advice to offer someone at a BMI of 14 who purges without bingeing. What I can offer is that during 2008 – 2009 – 2010, I would also purge my ‘normal’ meals, only bingeing on certain days (always Sunday with a few other days sprinkled into the mess). This allowed me to look ‘normal’ but I was still heavier than I am post-bulimia (see: Deception in Pictures). So if a BMI of 14 is maintained only through eating normal foods and purging, then the obvious answer is, to maintain that with removal of the purging, you must eat less. Or exercise more. Or both. It’s a simple system of mathematics. Is that your level of good ‘health’? If so, do it. If not, what is your level of good ‘health’? And then calculate the numbers and get there. :)
Best of success to you!
thank you so much…. what I read from you makes feel not alone, makes me feel stronger. I’m a bulimic trying to get rid of it… but I have a lot of fear and everything goes out of control and then I’m purging again, I’ll follow your recommendation, I’ll reach my balance.
Lovely girl, Instead of viewing bulimia as illness, view it as weakness. It’s not an illness. An illness is a cold. Cancer. Bulimia, on the other hand, is the inability for one to control intake. And to resist the appealing option of expunging said intake. When you view it without emotion, you shall succeed.