“Love is our response to our highest values—and can be nothing else.” – Atlas Shrugged
Three words.
I love you.
I cannot say them, to a human being, and the few times when I’ve muttered them to a man, I did not mean them. It felt like chalk existed in my mouth; or rather, for those of us holding platinum membership to The Bulimic Mafia, a big, fat, blueberry-glazed donut (or three), mid binge.
I wanted my fucking donut, not to share it with someone else. Because, as I now see it, he wasn’t the right one. None of them were right.
“You are so sweet, adorable, energetic, positive, funny, cute, smart, passionate, sexy, polite, crazy, weird, lovable, and we click in so many ways.”
This is why, on Friday, Sir Oscar claims to have loved me, in response to my third degree.
So I broke up with him.
Can’t say that I didn’t try. Hell, I tried in 2007. And again in 2013. Each time, his “I love you’s” and my fake replies have made me into a fraud. Being fraudulent is simply not acceptable. Here is our photograph, from 2007.
For the last few days, I’ve searched my heart, wondering of why I cannot say those words to another human being, especially to a man willing to give me the world. Even to my sister, it’s “I heart you.” To my parents, “Love you!” The “I” just makes it completely and utterly awkward. It’s not that I don’t love my family, it’s rather that I feel odd living and breathing my highest values in their presence because our principles do not align.
During this process of dating and subsequently ending the relationship with Sir Oscar, I’ve had a gorgeous support system. The girls who have become my Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha. The girls of NicoleAndGwendolyn.com. Whether or not they realise it, because of their existence, I’ve felt like a girl walking the streets of New York, chatting with her girlfriends about Aidan. Discussing his perfect qualities, but admitting that he was NOT the one. Yes, Sir Oscar was my Aidan. And Sir Oscar, despite the shit that you’ve written on my Facebook page, and despite your nasty text messages, I shall, indeed, see you as my Aidan forever. An extreme compliment.
But during those email exchanges with my girlfriends, including the ones of the past few months, I have said those three little words. I have said, to my friends, “I love you.” Our friendship was formed, based on my highest values; and I honestly, passionately love them.
Therefore, I have extended invitation to these girls, forming a panel of Contributing Writers to NicoleAndGwendolyn.com. They embody my highest values, and their riveting stories shall assist me with creating emotional entry into readers, catalysing discussion which shall affect a greater percentage of our population, growing a quality readership.
Relevant to our Mafia, my contributing writers shall discuss eating, exercising, dieting, alcohol, husbands, boyfriends, family, friends, shopping, dogs, etcetera! “What did you change about your diet this week? How are you losing that Christmas fat? Tell me about your orgasms! Do they exist when you are bingeing and purging?” These are questions which I have posed to my fabulous girls.
These future contributions are relevant to NicoleAndGwendolyn.com because they shall be written by persons who exist with food complications. Whether it be a former state of Anorexia/Bulimia/Bingeing; a present state of inhibiting the ‘demon’; a present state of just getting by; or just a state of heightened awareness, I have deemed their characters as matching to NicoleAndGwendolyn.com‘s flavour. Their stories and viewpoints are certainly different; but they are passionate about affecting our world.
And I love them.
Who do you love?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011 – 2013.
I think I am the polar opposite of you when it comes to love – I’m the person who loves someone, the female equivalent of Sir Oscar. I wish I was the glamorous one like you, with guys falling at my feet! I do feel sorry for Sir Oscar because I know what it’s like to never be good enough, but at the same time I know you should never settle for anything less than your ideal man.
Apparrently my e-mail will be back up tonight, so I’ll finally be able to reply to your gorgeous message!
xxx
I love that you used the word gorgeous.
And I love you! :)
I love you too!
I guess you deserve to find a partner that allows you to grow in the relationship, so you can say it and mean it as time goes by. Geert and I never said that in the beginning of our relationship (but as you know we moved real slow) but now we say it al the time and now it means something. It wouldn’t have meant something real after 3 months, let alone after a week.
Even still, I am not opposed to falling deeply madly in love on a first date. Remember, I still have a Mr. Big. ;) And I love you! :D
I’m surprised you haven’t gotten more feedback on this post-love is such a rich topic!
Personally, I have no issue saying “I love you” to friends and family. Obviously I have known my family my whole life and I’m lucky enough to have a lot of friends who I’ve known since grade school, and some even preschool. So my love for them is easy and well known.
Romantic love is quite different for me at least.
I’ve dated quite a few men but loved very few of them.
It’s really hard but I do think that there is “a pot for every lid” as they say!
Awww! A pot for every lid is a lovely analogy, especially considering that we have an ‘affiliation’ with the kitchen, ha ha. I definitely have love in my heart for Sir Oscar, but it’s not THAT love. Perhaps like with Sonja, love can grow! Or perhaps it’ll just be a big bang. When one knows, I am certain that one knows! Thank you for your lovely feedback.
I have said “I love you” to 4 men in my life, but it was me WANTING to love them rather than actually loving them. I cannot share the donut and I DON’T WANT TO share the donut. It’s mine, G*d dammit, so back off. I now realize that loving someone means wanting to share with that person , and no one has made me want to share. I can relate to your ability to love non-humans. I myself feel more understood and wanted and loved by my four-legged companions.
Sharing! Yes. Precisely. I don’t want to share my time because I feel like I can be producing during that otherwise shared experience. I can be cleaning. I can be shopping with Gwendolyn! Oscar was the closest in a long time, but I think that it was all just too much, too soon for me. I think we should have an avocado instead of a donut. Ha ha:)
I am excited to see what others will contribute to your site. Fantastic idea!
And who do I love? No one (romantically). My recent epiphany that I really was not in love these past two years was traumatizing.
But I love my daughter. It tickles me when I see her mimic me unintentionally.
Ohhh! My heart just sank when reading about your traumatic revelation. Absolutely sank. On a semi-similar note, I recently told Sir Henry, “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Via text message. But I never even told him that I loved him, except for maybe once when I was drunk on 28 June 2008, the same night that Gwendolyn ate a gorgeous Stuart Weitzman (only shoe that she ever ate – she’s the perfect dog). :) Your daughter sounds precious. Thank you for this pretty comment.
Oh I love this post of yours. And I think this does not have yet a lot of replies because this is a profound post and deserves a thoughtful answer (which takes time to write).
So, who do I love: It is so hard for me to say to someone “I love you”. But there’s hope. As I get older, I am becoming who I was supposed to be in the first place and never stopped being really (but got side-tracked by extreme fear for a few years, ahem, like 20 years). And as I become more myself, I am willing to become more vulnerable by saying “I love you”. “I love you” is scary because my love might be rejected, hence making me hurt so much that I wish myself dead to stop the unbearable suffering. However what has changed is that I am starting to feel more love in general in my heart (takes mental work) and in return this makes me less afraid, and more confident that there is indeed love all around me.
So today who do I love? I love the people who love me unconditionally in spite of my shortcomings and flaws. That means God. And my mother. I love her more than I love myself.
I love my sister.
I love my close friends very much. They know who they are.
I love my pets. Funny how it is easier to love animals because they “seem” more genuine, innocent, pure. Wonderful qualities which i crave for myself. Even children slowly lose that innocence and purity because of society’s influence. Hence pets and animals become the focus. :)
I do not love someone romantically right now. But it is more important for me today to understand who I am, and I know that in the process someone will appear.
Nicole, I love how you wrote that post, and I love you. :)
Francoise
Oh, Françoise! I love you!!!
It was my goal to write this post with class, so I appreciate your compliment on its composition. Much of it was inspired by you because you are always mentioning ‘soulmates’. I’ve been pondering ‘soulmate’ so much lately, especially with regard to ‘love’, and my brain absolutely exists at a standstill. I think that everything is earned. Even Gwendolyn earned my love and vice versa. So can two souls really be destined for one another? It sounds so make believe to me, but the romantic heart in me wants to have a soulmate. Did you watch Sex & the City? Remember when Charlotte asked the girls to be her soulmates? That was beautiful. And now I am trailing!
Thank you for offering what you’ve offered. Earning back what you didn’t have for 20 years must be daunting. But you’re doing it. And you’re helping so many others to do it, by offering your thoughts here. Thank you so so so much. And I want to see a photograph of your pretty mommy. :)
xoxoxo
I love Gordon Cooper.
Amongst many, many other people who also love me. ^_^
I am a lucky girl to not only have the love of so many, but to have the ability to love in return. It’s the most wonderful thing in the world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I love that you love Gordon Cooper and that he loves you in return. <3
I’m not even going to go into the weird misuse of “exists” here. (Seriously, though, where DID that particular grammatical tic come from?!) Instead, I’m wondering: have you ever actually met any of these girls? If so, why not?
Nope! We haven’t met physically, but I know them better than I know my own sister.
Apologies: if NOT, why not.
I love you.
Hahahaha:) I owe you an email. Building a piece of fucking furniture right now. More later. xo
So, I was minding my own business, studying for a final exam and daydreaming about an upcoming first date and this idea to build on yours came to mind. I don’t know how it would be set up, but a question and answer section for anyone to post legitimate questions and any/all the authors can respond. The ED side of your blog is interesting, I have a millions questions I could ask. I also like that you and your coauthors like pretty things and behaving in pretty ways. And wouldn’t it be nice for someone like myself–just an onlooker–to have a place to ask questions about such things?
Par exemple: what does one consume on a first date? What is your opinion on such-n-such movie? What sort of vitamins/supplements do ED girls consume/not consume?
I have no idea about the technology for this idea, but it would be a great future addition to your blog.
BRILLIANT.
I already want to answer these questions for you!!!
More to come.
So excited.
Miss Story,
I have been in love quite a few times. I told them every time (of course). Sometimes they responded in kind. Once I even got silence. This is probably not surprising though. Love is some sort of poet’s disease. I am not against it… but I am sure I have broken some hearts and my heart is (of course) not something that could be described as whole. Everyone I have met so far wants to be connected and love is an obvious inclination for someone who desires connection. It is really hard to love someone else when you do not love yourself, though. This is why I am alone. I should have listened to Jesus a long time ago. He said, “love your neighbor as yourself.” It is obvious that if I do not love myself I cannot follow his command. Perhaps some day I will love myself without becoming something arrogant, pompous, and awful. Until then I suppose I will just have to meditate on how I might do that.
-Soul Walker
I just want to hug you!
Hello Nicole! Long time no see! I do hope you are ok. There is much of beauty in this post. I do understand the finding it hard to say I love you, it’s a very vulnerable thing to say and it took me a long while to say it to CBC and indeed my previous boyfriend. Definitely easier to say it to family and yet, I wonder if I say ‘I’- and say ‘love you’ too. I did say it to a room full of friends yesterday, earnestly meaning it though, so it’s really funny I’ve read this after that!
Take care of yourself, lovely x
Lovely reply.
I would love to say “I love you” in an English accent. :)
Perhaps that’s my problem. I just need the accent. Ha.
I am happy that you found this post to be lovely. I find you to be lovely!
xo