“I’ll just be hanging around the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.” – Love Actually
Not this year.
This year, I shan’t allow a man to touch me.
I shan’t celebrate with my family.
I shan’t attend a gorgeous party with friends, wearing this dress by Steffen Schraut:
And these shoes by Sergio Rossi:
Oh how I am rendered to absolute anger that I cannot be pretty for Christmas this year.
Retiring to my slumber, just a few hours ago, I scribbled these notes, onto my iPhone, from the confines of my dark, posh bedroom:
I lay in bed with 9 vanilla halves of black & white ice-filled cookies from Whole Foods (may contain traces of eggs and dairy), 1 container of vegan general tso’s chicken, 2 candy walnut ginger salads, and 1/2 of an apple resting in my stomach. Gwendolyn, snoring at my side, is why I’m not vomiting. Is why I’m not crying. My stomach is fat and my tits are huge. I have no time for this comfort food as I must be awake in three hours.
My dresses do not fit properly.
I am a fat cow.
I want to think about sex. They say pregnant women become aroused easily. Maybe it’s just fat women.
I’ve gotten fat. Fat as fuck. 125 pounds.
And all I want is to walk in front of Yoga Man again. Confidently. Showing him that I’ve earned back my yoga body. I must do it. I shall do it. I shall earn back my yoga body by taking extreme measures.
I am not capable of balance. I am capable of extremes. Why do I fool myself each time with food, trying to be ‘mindful’? Mindfulness does not a thin girl make.
Don’t offer me your hugs.
Don’t offer me your nutritional counsel.
Don’t offer me your warnings on metabolism manipulation.
I just want straight forward, objectivist answers.
If you are a successful, type-A woman, living in this fast-paced world, how do you accomplish your body?
Thank you, and Merry Christmas.
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011, 2012.
ooooo, girlie :-(
well, we shan’t be attending any parties together. But Geert is allowed permission to kiss me. My best friend (who has a doggie trim salon and kitty hotel and is married to a Belgian comedian hence the tv appearance: http://vtm.be/voor-de-show/artikel/het-poezenhotel-van-mevrouw-philippe-geubels) just sent me an invitation for a new year’s eve party and due to my fat ass I had to decline. I actually feel really sad about it, but 2013 will be my year of make-up party, I will make up for my birthday and new year once I feel better. NOT when I am thin, just when I FEEL thinner.
Honostly, 125 pounds would be perfectly permissable to me. I would herald that number on the scale with a big fucking YES!!!! WOOOHOOOHOOO!! 125 is sexy if you have the confidence to own it. But I know you don’t feel the same way.
I’m sorry to read you have overeaten, I’m proud of you for not vomitting. do you think we have a bad influence on each other, crashing our cars and eating too much, whining about how fat we are? Once again, just thinking out loud.
We both know by now I’m not “a successful, type-A woman, living in this fast-paced world” at the moment, but I will be again. You will too. To us extremists there’s just no other way, but because it is in the extremes we feel most alive, we’ll always seek out the lows to feel the highs and vice versa.
let’s have an amazing 2013. mwah!
Sonja, I know EXACTLY why your comment fielded to spam! It was because of the link! I apologise, on behalf of Askimet, for spamming one of my best friends in the world.
That said, let’s address the points of your FABULOUS comment! (I’m sure that JSG shall knock me for capitalising FABULOUS – LOL).
1. Are we a bad influence on each other? Hell fucking no! When I placed that gorgeous bit of salad into my mouth (only 1 of 2 salads because the 2nd was saved for home) whilst driving to the mall (to bitch at Apple who fixed my problem as always and to Christmas shop), I laughed SO fucking HARD when I slammed my automobile into that construction cone because I knew that you would understand!!! (btw, I have since met my dad to fetch the packages which I have sent to his home, and he fixed it for me. Apparently I just popped out the mirror which was still attached, albeit loosely). I messaged you from the traffic light, and I had never felt more “NOT alone” with a food/car/I Fucked up experience than in that particular moment. It was so nice. So thank you. :)
2. Turning down parties. I know. I understand. I always think on New Year’s that it would be SO LOVELY to attend a New Year’s event like does Sally and Harry when they’re in their 30s. Dancing. Laughing. Oh. So. Romantic. Clearly, I shan’t be attending anything romantic. And I shan’t be attending my family functions. Luckily, this year, I have an excuse. My dog walking/pet sitting business is so damn booming that I have absolutely negative time to breathe for the next fortnight beginning Thursday. And my family understands. They also understand that I fucking despise my body in its current state; and they have read this blog article. So they are forgiving of me. My mother even explained to my grandparents, “She is not happy with her body, and she does not want for family members to view it.” I am very grateful for my parents and for their understanding.
And 125. Yes, the number does NOT matter. With citing my manic thoughts, I failed to mention that 125 for my small height = skinny yet flabby (aka fatso, for me). When I am firm and lean, I am between 103 and 115. I love 109 because I can eat, I can function, and I can drink wine without getting sick. My sister called me today, upset about my blog article and about my being upset about 125 because that just means family competition at Christmas since we’re all about the same size, and #s are everything… so I had to explain to her that I would be completely satisfied at 125 if I looked like my 109 version at that number. Each body is different, and if my sister looks fab at 125, then who the fuck cares about the #? She was also surprised that I divulged my # at the blog because I am so perfectionist and competitive, and 125 is not perfect for me; and she knows that. Oh I love her, second to Gwendolyn. So basically, my hatred for 125 exists because I hate how MY body looks at the number… not that I find the number to be repulsive whatsoever.
2013 shall rock for us both. I’ve already started on mine. And I mailed your Christmas gift today. I love you. xo
Running :) and yoga ;) generally on the same day. Day in, day out. Moderation of calories. You know the drill. You don’t need to be told. It’s not the politically correct answer, of which I’m sure plenty will follow… but it’s the truth. And you already know it. 10km x 5 days a week, daily yoga. No excuses. That is all. xo.
PERFECT answer.
PRECISELY what I needed.
I’m out of my bad fucking mood now.
15 miles of dog walking have commenced.
And when I’m done, I shall choose yoga over that martini.
And I shall refer to your comment when I feel too tired. :)
xo
Nataly is very wise. It’s what worked for me before my greed took over. I slowly increased the distance of my runs (9-13 miles a day initially, up to 12-22 miles at my thinnest) and slowly ate less. Not less calories automatically, because I was not counting. I was not even paying attention, I just felt that less was better. Less carbs, more fruit and veggies, most of my calories from Sun Warrior (8 scoops at my thinnest…just in my breakfast alone).
I know how you feel about eating out of control without bingeing. No binges of the 10,000 kcal variety have occurred, but habitual overeating has leant me the ‘huge tits’ look you describe, and they disgust me. I read some of the comments below and I’d rather be a self-loathing lunatic fatso than an I’ve-let-myself-go-and-don’t-care mediocre fatso. And I think that’s a lie – everyone cares, deep down, if they’re fat. Not that I’d consider 125lbs to be fat though – I still weigh more than you. We all have our own personal ‘fat’ however and I did feel fat too at that weight, even though looking back I wasn’t really (I was at that weight in September 2011).
xxx
Your Xmas present is in my automobile as I type this reply from a red light!!! Shall reply to this in detail later. <3
125 is so arbitrary. I’ve seen women who look fantastic at 125…but I don’t. I have a really small frame so even though 125 SOUNDS fine for my height, I just look bloopy. I have one of those bodies where I gain it all in the midsection, so I look like a little old lady…you know, they’re all skinny and boney except they have a bloopy belly that hangs over their pants.
So, I get hating 125, but I also get liking it if it works for your own body. Like I said, I know plenty of women who look pretty good at 125. Mostly mesomorphic types who have bigger bones and a lot of muscle.
Enjoying this convo this morning :) Sorry for all my feedback.
@Wendy, BLOPPY!!! Ha ha ha!
I might just use that term, moving forward.
Yes, at 125, I look BLOPPY. Like my great grandmother who boasted the last name of “DiGiandomenico.” A BLOPPY last name, too! You have absolutely inspired me to be a skinny mini without excuse, without failure, without fuck up. So thank you. xo
@Jess, You hit the big fat fucking nail on the head with your “We all have our own personal ‘fat’”. We do. We do! Mine is 125. Even at my thirtieth birthday in February, I weighed 117 at the Gyno examination, but I was a WORLD of a lot “thinner” at that weigh-in. A different body entirely. Presently, my “tits” feel like I could have two children feeding off of me at once. (going with the theme of saying “tits” instead of “disgusting big fat mamas on my chest”, LOL).
It makes me so fucking MAD that I did this to myself. Now I must waste time, mucking through yoga sessions as a FATSO instead of as a happy “maintenance” girl. Yoga is so much more fun and carefree as a thin girl, as I know is running.
But what must be done, must be done.
I look forward to us both having a thin and happy year in 2013. It is quite likely that Gwendolyn and I shall hop a plane to meet you (and our other Euro girlfriends, you know who you are) in October 2013.
So get skinny. ;)
xoxoxo
:/
It’s okay. :)
Not sure of exactly what the :/ fully implies, but a friend emailed me, commenting that I broke my promise. So I feel like I can use your comment to clear up any misunderstandings on that piece. I wrote to her,
“But just want to clarify.
I broke no promise.
That was not a binge.
That was me eating things that make me feel out of control / do not create the lean body that I require.”
I have a yoga lifestyle to reclaim.
And I shall.
Acceptance. Acceptance that perceived perfection is unattainable. Else you will hate yourself forever.
Given your earlier blogs, I really hope you are not pregnant. Extremes WILL hurt a baby.
You are willing to accept mediocrity? I shall never do such. I menstruated this morning, so pregnancy can hereby be 100% ruled out.
I’d take mediocrity over being a self-loathing lunatic.
Good to know, because I really wanted to know! Ms. Mediocre. ;)
Just in case you do get pregnant, Nicole–which I don’t think you will, after your previous scare–just know that you can be pregnant and not become Jessica Simpson.
You have to avoid bingeing, purging, and strict dieting, but you can moderate to a reasonable degree what you eat.
I know:)
My body right now would be the perfect prego bod!!!
I’m gonna tell you your problem right now. Ready?
You ate the wrong halves of those cookies, woman!
Lol. :) I never fancied chocolate cookies or cake, even before bulimia / during bulimic episodes.
So I cannot say that I am thin by an objective standard but I can say that I am relatively slim and at a healthy weight. Further, my weight stays virtually the same despite lots of indulgence and hearty calories for easily over 8 yrs now. I can’t be 100% sure, but I attribute this largely to distance running, which is one of the most efficient forms of exercise (100 calories a mile roughly). I find running a very enjoyable solo activity – something about being out with my own thoughts early in the morning, watching the sunrise, etc. But, it can also be a great group activity if you wanted that (see local running clubs). If you were just starting to transition from walking to running I would look at Couch to 5K programs online. Also, check out the fictional novel Once a Runner – I think you’d really like it!
I was a runner, in the olden’ days. And it was not a healthy thing for me. I was good at it (as I am at everything)… but running made me something that I hated. Yoga made me something that I loved. And your “running clubs” reference makes me squirm with discomfort, ha ha! Blech! Talking whilst exercising? No way, José! Remember gay ass EDmund? He would tagalong on bicycle rides with NicoleAndGwendolyn, annoying the supreme FUCK out of us with his constant girlfriend chatter. NO CAN DO. I love that you made such a beautiful comment at my blog, and I also love my comfort in expressing my discomfort about your statement. I know that running burns fabulous calories. For me, yoga (well, MY kitchen yoga) does just that, too; and I never need to pick-up a weight because the resistance of the bod is the best resistance of them all… that and carrying a monkey named Gwendolyn because she loves to be carried, ha ha. :) I just need yoga. Thank you for your feedback. x x x
“If you are a successful, type-A woman, living in this fast-paced world, how do you accomplish your body?”
Successful women don’t worry about stupid shit like this and they certainly don’t write weepy teenage journal entries about having the body of an adult woman. Grow up. Be a woman. Women have tits. And thighs. And other interests beyond the size of their stomach. You are emotionally stunted at 13 so you want your body to match.
Nobody but you gives a shit about your weight. Imagining that men won’t love you because you think you are fat is your own mental problem. Work on being interesting and REAL with REAL interests and someone might be attracted to you. You can be “rail thin” but men will run off in droves when they smell the crazy coming off you.
And pregnant women are “easily aroused” because of pregnancy hormones not because they are “fat”. Learn about the female body would ya? And call a therapist. You need one. Ayn Rand is for teenagers and misanthropes, blowing off help because Ayn Rand doesn’t believe in it is psychotic.
Before leaving a nasty comment, understand my philosophy. I do not seek a relationship. I seek sex. if a relationship results? lovely. Sounds like you’re jealous or exist in a “I was once thin now I’m fat” bubble. Pop!
No Nicole. Adult women aren’t motivated by jealousy. That is fodder for the emotionally stunted. I weigh 20 pounds less than you. I have nothing to be jealous of. I wear size 0 pants and I don’t have to walk 30 miles a day or barf up cookies to look this way.
I’m being honest and real, something you recoil at. Stop defaulting to childish claims of jealousy and you might learn something.
POP.
Aw. How’s your sister? ;)
Incredibly insensitive comment. The wonky face does not excuse it. It’s all just slash and burn with you Nicole. Slash and burn.
I do not feel comfortable with your choice of words. Please do not use violence. I am being serious. This is your warning, JSG.
Wonky, eh?
uh-oh nicole! your ignorance is showing! slash-and-burn is a farming technique used to clearcut forested areas to make fields. it’s often used as a metaphor to describe someone totally destroying something (like, in this case, your social circle) – much like the phrase “burning bridges” is used to describe someone cutting ties to people. so um, it’s not violent. i mean, did you think jsg meant slash and burn a PERSON? that’s fucked up!
Way to defend your friend, Alex.
Way to get ‘him’ out of a publicly stated threat, Alex.
Clearly, I know lots about farming because I’m such a fucking farm girl and would parallel a threat disguised as something kinder as such.
Fuck you, bitch.
i’m friends with “just some guy?”
I don’t really give a fuck if you are friends with JSG or with our socialist president or with SJP.
You’re a big fat ugly jerk. ;)
I’m certain that I’ll be chastised for using “fat” as insult.
But I mean it. xo
I totally get the hating having tits thing. Big tits are so gross.
That’s such a childish thing to say, Wendy! ;)
Quote Annick.
Er 10 martini lunch.
Er housewife who claims to have an Ana sister.
Er drunk bitch who ended her readership here months ago. (That one called out by Cassy and bravo for that, big sister!!!).
Bahahahaha!
Another immature comment.
Um, called me out as a drunk bitch? Huh? A glass of wine a few nights a week is a drunk? A housewife? I work and yes, I have children. I have a functional life. Yes that is correct. I have a mentally ill sister like yourself, yep.
Do you have anything else from the great mind of “Cassy” your imaginary internet attack dog?
I stopped reading. And came back to see how you are doing. You are doing horrible. I feel so bad for you.
You can “bahahaha” all you want. It doesn’t change the truth of what I’m saying.
Bahahaha!
And PS: there’s no such thing as mental illness.
It’s offensive to suggest there’s one type of woman. And that “successful” women are real, and don’t work for whatever body/ambitions they have.
Nicole, I like this post. I like you. I’m excited for you to kick ass, and I’m going to do the same.
I totally just did a cheerleader girl “hahaaa! Yaaa!” kind of laugh in reply to your comment, and a woman remarked, “Wow. Must be something exciting!” I said, “Sure is! A new diet!” :D
What a GORGEOUS comment.
GORGEOUS, indeed, kitty Kat. Meow! ;)
I picked this video just for you. And guess what. As a child, I found Eartha’s character to be a fat fat Fatso. Now? Oh man! Her body is off the rocker! GORGEOUS would be an understatement. Tiny tits. Tiny waist. But she still has a big fat face. Clearly was a weight lifter and non-yogi. Her posture is tortuous! Enjoy, bia! ;)
You need to look inward and work on your emotional state or you’ll be puking up that salad in no time. No amount of making promises to an animal can substitute real emotional help. You have insulated yourself so that the only friends you have are a handful of sycophants on your facebook page. You’ve shut out your family and anyone who dares give you a dose of reality.
It takes work to get this downward spiral that you are clearly in.
And spare me your childish, playground insults. You know I’m right. Take advice or just keep skipping down the path to failure and misery. It is your choice.
Housewife. Without kids. ;)
I guess you are so far into your illness that you won’t listen to anything but the same, sick, voice croaking in your head.
What illness, drunky monkey?
She’s shitting the bed. Just like you.
What does this even mean? I’ve not taken a lax since 3 July 2010, one day before I stopped my bulimia, thank you very much, ugly whore.
Its an expression.
A whore? At least I get laid. ;)
Thanks for proving my point on the childish insults. 30 going on 13.
Girls from your hunky dory town would site a cheesy film in attempt at witty insult.
I have no idea what this means? Are you drinking already. Yikes.
I shall not have a drink until tonight at 10pm when my business day then yoga concludes.
I recommend checking out the Londoner blog. She’s written a few posts on her anti diet and she is a teeny, tiny cute thing. Also, a former fatty, so what she’s doing works for weight loss and maintenance.
One caveat, her diet is about balance, but very rigorous balance, if that makes sense.
Nope C. She is all about extremes now.
This post is her “heads-up” that she is going to start purging to achieve her goal weight.
Its a very slow transition that I’ve watched for months now. Mark my words, she’s trying to point out that nothing else – not diet, not exercise – will get her weight down so she is going to go “extreme.” Hmmm, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what that means.
I thought you hate “woe is me” blogs. This is a woe is me post. Grow up and get your mental health in order.
Oh no. Have you forgotten? I made a promise to Gwendolyn. You are a jealous, angry, stupid whore. Did I sleep with your husband or something?
Did you lose my comment? [Comment portion deleted due to offensive commentary about dogs.]
And I also said, my husband would never touch you with a 10 foot pole. Your face would freak him out.
That was not what you said. Any and all negative and threatening comments about dogs shall be deleted without explanation.
Yes. It is. And saying you screwed my husband is ok? Really?
Yep. You are delusional.
And I didn’t insult your dog weirdo. I said you have a long “Mac Tonight” face. Or maybe I’m saying it now. Reality isn’t your strong suit.
Yes, implying that I could have screwed your husband is acceptable as I formerly conducted business in your little hillbilly hoedown of a town (before the galleria). It would have been unknowingly, though, as I wouldn’t intentionally have slept with a married man in 2006,07,08… But it’s very possible.
What did I say Nicole? I love dogs. What was it??? Post it.
Right.
I have it saved.
Don’t worry, you nasty witch.
“your little hillbilly hoedown of a town (before the galleria).”
Buffalo is beautiful. It’s filled with art galleries, architecture, history, universities, actors, musicians and artists. Only someone as bourgeois as you would think a mall has any cultural or historical significance to a city. I lived in NYC and it isn’t half the city that Buffalo is.
P.S. You live in Pittsburgh.
P.S.S. I am taking screen shots of my comments so you can no longer lie about their content.
Ohhhhhhhhh Anick has laid down the big fat law!!! ;)
Yep. I think making comments appear to be insulting and/or threatening by manipulating and editing them is dispicable.
Totally. I think the same!!!
Pease keep me out of your thing with Nicole.
C., It makes perfect sense. “Her diet is about balance, but very rigorous balance, if that makes sense.” I have hereby added “The Londoner Blog” to my Google Reader. Adding it was based solely upon your recommendation, her body, her fashion, and her smile. I’ve read no words… yet. Thank you for the suggestion. I shall definitely let you know of what I think. xo
I checked out Londoner’s Blog (just the photographs).
To me, she screams, “chubby ice cream eater with naturally long lines.”
Aka Fat.
I’d say sorry, but I don’t apologise for that which I cannot control.
NOT my idea of thin.
Thanks for the suggested blog, C. The Londoner is not something I’d previously read, but checked it out, and LOVE it – classy, smart, sexy. Good to know there was something positive to be found in this mess of a comment thread! :)
I live for this stuff, so I’ll answer you. I am not type-A in any other way except my appearance, though!
This is what I do:
–Eat the same things every day, basically.
–Limit carbs and sugar (this is new for me, I used to never worry about carbs, more about fat grams, but I admit it sure peels off the pounds)
–Do not eat past 3 p.m. If I’m hungry in the evening, I have a drink (alcoholic) instead.
–Work out 5-6x a week, combo of cardio and weights. I either do the stairmaster for 30 min straight at a level that makes me sweat, or I go for a 40-min run/walk in my hilly neighborhood (run the flats, hike quickly up the inclines). For weights, I alternate arm exercises (10-15 lb weights; wish I could do heavier but I’m not there yet) and leg presses/other lower body (machines) day by day. I also do planks and situps–lots of them.
–Weigh myself DAILY. If I’m a little bit over, I don’t panic, but I do try to regulate myself accordingly so I can catch it fast.
–Occasionally let myself have something “regular” to eat. Usually when I’m out with my family to dinner, which we do a few times a month. Then I’ll just order whatever I want off the menu and eat it and call it a treat meal.
That’s it!
I will be devouring this comment tonight instead of dinner!!! More to come!!! :D
You say you basically eat the same thing every day…can you tell me what your exact meal plan is? Your body sounds amazing based on other comments you’ve left. I’m serious, not snarking.
Typical day:
B: Nonfat Greek yogurt with a handful of raw almonds mixed in
L: Tuna salad of some sort–either a scoop put on a green salad, or rolled up in a low-carb tortilla or Ezekiel wrap.
D: Apple with peanut butter, or some kind of cheese cut up and eaten with carrots and hummus.
I don’t snack, and when I go out to eat, I don’t pig out. I will order an entree (pasta or whatever) and eat it like a normal person does; i.e., that means I probably don’t finish the whole plate as restaurant meals are usually huge.
Sometimes if I’m really hungry I throw in a protein bar. I also occasionally let myself have a bagel (which is my huge weakness).
The perfect day!!!
And the alcohol?
Alcohol doesn’t start until 4 p.m. at the earliest and is free game, although due to calories I try to stick to 1/2 bottle of wine (which is about two glasses).
LOVE.
That’s exactly how alcohol existed on my 2011 food plan. And unfortunately, I slowly ADDED food and eliminated yoga.
Wendy, Reading your comment from the comforting confines of my MacBook Pro v. reading from the cold outdoors on my mobile is like two different worlds!!! (not the one starring dwayne and whitney, ha ha!)… Seriously, your diet is perfect. You should be so proud. And I am so honoured and flattered and proud that YOU (a successful diet girl) is reading my blog!
Your diet is a version of my 2011 diet. My perfect diet. And you have empowered me to get back there. For me, because I did 3 hours of yoga + walking my little monkey, I found that Breakfast could be 1 kind bar, lunch could be 2 martinis and or / plus salmon salad, dinner could be lots of raw sashimi preceded by 2 martinis or a bottle of wine. I freaking LOVED that time of my life. But no longer can I drink mid day because of my obligation to dogs; but I do want to get back to my routine, adjusting for alcohol in the evening (like I’m doing tonight, after a gorgeous yoga session, after 15+ miles of dog walking). I love that someone in my age bracket does what I do (and has been successful at it). Clearly, you never have had the inkling to binge (or have you?)… if I were to order something “normal,” then I would want 10 times that normal after getting away from the social company. Thus, when in “company” I would option to drink and or order something tiny like a seaweed salad. Ladies do not nourish in public. That is my mantra. Gwendolyn’s, too. ;)
I do have inclinations to binge, but, honestly, my binges aren’t very big. I’m able to stop myself before I get too far into them. A typical binge would be maybe, one night when I am really hungry, eating half a bag of tortilla chips. Which is gross but not too bad. I guess I don’t have the binge mentality. I have been bulimic in the past and was so not fun…I am much happier being anorexic.
You remind me of my estranged sister. She’s a fucking twig. (Remember The Fat Jab?? Same sister). She’d never binge and purge. But she’d overeat. She’s a total restricter, and she’s damn good at it. So jealous although I am not jealous of her flabby thin body. It’s ugly to me. I am jealous of her thinness, but I know that my body is better in terms of muscular thin when I’m in tip top shape. I’m so respectful of your position. I do want to find balance, and I shall continue to seek it. Thank you so much for your honest, raw feedback on this post.
One should quite gorgeously gain interest if vous wouldst cease complaining and announce the Nugo winner and charity donation, in the daintiest of manners!
NuGo winner shall be announced tonight @ my FB page. Thank you for the reminder!
The gorgeous NuGo winner was announced @ The NuGo Blog Article
Thanks, Ayn Rand! ;)
Good luck. I can’t waste anymore time. You want to live in your little lonely world of delusion. So be it. You are getting worse and worse. You know it. You knew it when you snuggled up with a box of cookies. You can insult me all day long and it doesn’t change the fact that you are slipping, big time.
And your perpetual fat whore comments aren’t pretty. In fact, I’d bet a million dollars that is what you call yourself every minute of every day. No wonder you have become so, very, very ugly.
I didn’t snuggle up with a box of cookies. Read properly before you criticise. I ate 9 halves of 9 cookies. Not the entire box. Stupid
Less than 500 cals. Hahahaha. Go back to your martini lunch, and I’ll resume the running of my business.
500 calories of cookies. 280 calories of General Tso’s. 600 (at least) calories in salad. 80 calories in apple.
Grand total – 1,460 calories.
For dinner. In bed. Trying not to cry or puke.
Still no pictures of yourself. The self-loathing. Isolating from family. Isolating yourself from men. Lashing out.
Yep. You are doing great.
I’ll check in after Christmas. Hopefully you will have contacted
In bed AFTER consumption of dinner you grand moronic ugly whore! Now be gone with vous! ;)
PS: sounds like you “have” an “ED”. In denial, Annick?;) and does your IP address owner know that you render such hatefully vicious commentary from their location? Tsk tsk.
Do your clients know you write angry hateful words such as “moronic hateful whore” while in charge of their animals? You said you are working correct?
I’m an independent contracter. Nobody gives a shit.
The only one with ED is you. Don’t project. I gotta go. Again, please get help. Really. You are losing it.
My clients would appreciate my defense of sweet animals against an animal hater like you. And whether or not I am in the presence of a dog is not your business. My clients read my blog.
I am not anorexic. I am not bulimic. I am not BED’d. I am Nicole Marie Story, and I shall eat (or not eat) as I please. And I shall scribe of it, at my blog about Girl and Dog. Your approval is not necessary. xo ;)
Please get help.
Please keep humouring me with your silly comments. ;)
Speaking of silly, why ask for advice/suggestions at all? You don’t want advice, unless it is exactly what you want to hear. Tuning out everyone but those unwilling to confront you on your obvious issues is a waste of time. Fishing expeditions are very tiresome.
Did I hook you, Kat? ;)
… contact a therapist.
These comments aren’t silly. They are honest. You have trouble with reality. Again, good luck. You’ll need it.
There only exists reality, Annick. All else, including your therapy land, is nothing but pretend.
I just wanted to add a personal question to the conversation. I am less concerned with my ideal weight than some of you, because what I really want is to stop fluctuating. I don’t want to be fat, but I would take 125 if I could just fucking stick there. It’s the up/ down cycle that makes me unhappy. And yet, I’ve been on it for 15 years.
Dahling, that’s exactly how I’ve been for the last 2 years, 125 being my highest. 103 my lowest. This is why I’ve appealed to my readers, asking for hot tips and tricks. Let’s hope to get some! (Wendy and ChemE and Nataly have already given fab feedback).
What makes you fluctuate? Look back at when you’ve gained or lost weight and what you were doing at the time. I know when I gained weight (up to a point I didn’t like) about 2-3 years ago, it was because I was in a whacked-out schedule. I’d switched from working in an office to working from home FT, I was caring for a toddler, and I had a lot of isolation basically. Things like this make huge differences in your due diligence.
BTW, the tricky thing is–I didn’t KNOW I was feeling isolated. I was actually enjoying both working from home and taking care of my toddler and felt quite happy at the time. That’s why you have to look at this stuff carefully and figure out what causes you to slip, because it can be trickery at times.
Perfect advice.
Thank you.
The deletion of daily 90-minute yoga sessions did me under!!! I am walking so much more now, though, so the yoga can be less. It just needs to be everyday. Oh I can’t wait to be yoga girl thin again so that I can show off my fancy yoga poses (showing off is a huge part of it for me, too. And a fatty can’t show off in yoga tights!). :D
I know of 3 things that clearly correlate with my weight gain.
First, I went on an Atkins diet and lost a ton of weight, which was great. Unfortunately, the total restriction of all of my favorite foods caused me to go on a massive binge when I got down to my goal weight. I gained it all back and am now at one of my heaviest weights.
Second, I started drinking as much as I wanted. That’s the main thing right now. Alcohol makes Nicole happy, and that is fine, dammit. But it makes me tired and bloated and ravenous and lazy. Not good things when you’re trying to lose weight. But the anxiety I feel when I don’t drink can be crushing. It’s terrifying and it’s all in my head! Also, and I know this is stupid, but I want to be the girl who can eat and drink whatever she wants. That’s part of my identity and it worked for a long time, until it didn’t work at all. I haven’t been able to give up that fantasy.
Lastly, my marriage makes me fat. I love him and I enjoy his company and I find him very attractive, but it is so unnatural for me to care for someone else (only child alert) that it creates massive anxiety. In order to not be a bitch, I have become a fatty. Fuck.
Sorry for the rant.
Love your rant.
More from me later!
Perhaps post yoga with martini in hand.
Now that’s one hell of a euphoric state! ;)
Drinking also makes me fat. And it makes me suck at fitness.
I like drinking, so I still haven’t figured this out. I go months without, then do a few weekends of partying. Always results in weight gain. Then guiltily returning to no alcohol.
The gin diet works marvelously for me.
But when doing such, I must skip lunch.
And dinner on Thursdays.
#BringingBack2011 ;)
What alcohol do you drink? I can get into bottles of red every night, and that definitely makes me into a fatso!… even more so than now!
Alcohol and food mix badly–this is why I don’t eat after 3 p.m.most days.
I’m not willing to compromise my Euro habits. Must make them work for me (as I did in 2011). And now that I think of it, I’ve been eating earlier, around 9/10pm instead of my 2011 midnight fare. This might be contributing to the problem. Oh! And I have noted it but thought, “a calorie is a calorie, so who cares.” Perhaps I should! And I shall, effective now! Thank you!!!
@C., I think that you and my sister would have lots to discuss. My goodness. Just know that you are NOT alone in your marriage/drinking/eating predicament. And yes, JSfuckingG, I’ve been granted “permission” to divulge such “thought.”
I love that you’ve written what you’ve written. I do NOT have anything of value to offer, as it’s clear that I do not currently have intimate face-to-face relationships with human beings. But just know that it’s really lovely to have your feedback and to know that my blog is creating discussion about something taboo. About something important. About something that matters to me. And to you. And to everyone else who reads. xo
“…it’s clear that I do not currently have intimate face-to-face relationships with human beings.”
so sad nicole! it’s also clear from the fact that you don’t know what common sayings mean (see “slash-and-burn”) that you don’t have very many conversations with people or read very many books. what a weird life!
@Alex, Why is it “so sad” that I don’t maintain intimate relationships with human beings? Why is it “so sad” that I’m waiting for that one human being who takes my breath away?
why do you keep making this so complicated?? it’s really simple nicole! stop eating so damn much, and get some exercise. so simple! why is this so hard for you?
You are 100% correct.
are you going to answer my questions?
I walk 15 – 30 miles per day.
Cardio isn’t enough though.
I need the resistance of yoga.
I’m hungry bc of my output, but I don’t burn my consumption as effectively due to lack of yoga muscles.
The answer? Yoga and temporary restriction.
I’m not yet the successful, skinny woman I want to be, but I am totally getting there.
This last year, I’ve made one major change which is to apply the skills in my career life (an area where I AM successful, where I am self-confident, where I am what I want to be) to my fitness and diet.
I had really bad sleeping problems, and I changed them. I stopped skipping sleep.
I have a two word mantra describing the total-package person I’m trying to be. I repeat that.
Perhaps most dysfunctional, but entertaining: whenever I walk anywhere, I assess the people walking across my path and imagine they look at me and think I’m intimidating. I always make eye contact. I never look down. It sounds weird, but as a woman (and apropos of the male gaze discussion we just had) it makes me feel awesome.
I do weight training every other day and run on my treadmill whenever. When I’m doing work that I can do on the treadmill, I incline walk while doing it.
I think of the every day. I think of every detail. That’s how I got successful in other areas of my life. That’s how I achieve this goal.
And of course, there’s no time for kicking oneself. Although mistakes are very important to analyze and understand. I embrace little failures as opportunities for making change–but self-loathing people look away, look down. I don’t do that anymore.
We need a sorority. Your lifestyle is perfection, and I applaud you.
Nicolette, do no panic, I repeat, do not panic ;).
My regimen works for me, you will find one that works for you and allows you to find your own peace: :)
- I run 5 days a week, about 30-35 miles a week
- I row here and there on top of it – will add swimming one day a week
- I strength train 4 days a week
- Meal plan – whether hungry or not, I eat the same amount of foods (about 2000 cal) – don’t have to wonder what’s for lunch, as it is the same as yesterday. Love my eats, btw.
- I give my body a break in the sense that I force myself not to “look” at it, but to know that my regimen is enough for no fluctuations – even when i feel fat – just deal with the feeling, and know that 3-4 days later that may change.
- I don’t drink alcohol ever – I know this is a deal breaker for you, but I also feel that too many drinks may prevent you from reaching your goal?
- NEVER stay hungry – that means for me having a big dinner at 8pm – fuck the going to bed hungry feeling, does not work for me.
I hate big tits too. ;) I like freedom in any sense or direction!
Whee!
I love you VERY much! You’re already OK, you know it.
Bisous!
Francoise
Omg!!! You said bad words in this comment!!! :D
Yes!
Also want to add this: the reason I follow this regimen is because I want to be smaller than I would probably be if I was exercising less and eating the same. I will be open and straightforward about it. I like myself a certain size, and work every day to stay at that size. Also, I really don’t like food enough to eat that much, unless I exercise. This makes me hungry and makes me eat. With my history of anorexia (restricting only – never binged), better to eat because of exercise than not eat.
And I agree, if you do lots of exercising, you need to do lots of eating. Goes hand in hand. Restricting ALWAYS backfires so that you either end up worse than you started out or you maintain for a few months in bliss until things start falling apart again.
xoxoxoxo
Francoise
Dear Françoise,
Yes, alcohol is a deal breaker for me. I love my alcohol!!! I’d rather conserve on food calories than go without my gorgeous evening alcohol. When I started this blog, I was, indeed, a midday drinker, but my present lifestyle and business does not permit for that… so it’s nice to know that I can adjust, based upon my responsibilities. An alcoholic could not do that, as a bulimic would certainly not adjust for such. In my olden’ days, I’d leave a corporate American work lunch, headed straight for Sheetz (convenience store) to buy delicious pastries, would drive to the McDonalds to buy yoghurts, then to the next Sheetz to buy Evian to catalyse the vomiting of it all. Bulimia was my addiction of a lifetime. That and loving my dog. :)
So I’m curious… were you ever at a “huge” state which prompted your anorexia? I know that you mentioned commentary which prompted your initial “diet”… but were you ever really chubby?
I love you!
xoxoxo
I worry about some of the meal and exercise suggestions on here, as they seem very dangerous. Please be careful ladies, too much exercise and not enough eating can surely start to kill your metabolism and drain your adrenals, lower your body temperature, etc. Been there and done that and now I’ve been trying to repair the damage I’ve done from restriction over exercise. Don’t be surprised when one day you start to gain weight, and it is almost impossible to lose.
And, no, I’m not a fatty- I’ve been settling back in to my normal weight of about 105-110 pounds.
I am glad that you’ve found what works for you. Can you describe what that is?
I’m 41 years old and I never go to the doctor, I got pregnant naturally at age 36, and I don’t have any problems losing weight. Been doing this a long time…it’s all individual though. Certainly too much diet and exercise can ruin your metabolism.
Wendy, Your “pregnant at 36″ comment would not have made me happy one week ago. But now? I have a new friend who is trying to become pregnant at 36. And I get your happiness because I get her frustration. Thank you for sharing this. I shall direct her to your comment. xo
[Comment portion deleted due to vicious attack against blog owner / no relevancy to blog article.]
As regards the question that you posted, here is my sincere advice:
You have been embarking on all kinds of projects to lose weight, some quite extreme. Try and analyse why they are not working.
For me, it’s always worked to exercise 6 days a week (swimming, running, gym), but eat healthy full meals 3-4 times a day. I don’t have the time to cook my own meals, so they are not as healthy as I’d like them to be, but I’ve noticed that as long as I exercise what I eat doesn’t make me put on weight. Of course, every body is different. I also probably snack less than the average person, though that isn’t a conscious choice.
Oh my god, that is a complete lie, Nicole. There was no vicious attack at all. I probably said something that you didn’t want to hear, but deleting it and then claiming it was a ‘vicious attack’ is not correct.
“Vicious attack” stands.
I think it’s pretty clear that I’ll accept most hateful commentary.
But threatening?
Bye fucking bye.
It was critical, but THREATENING?! This is all in your head.
Goodbye.
Good riddance.
Apologizing in advance for the ridiculous length of this answer to your question : )
“If you are a successful, type-A woman, living in this fast-paced world, how do you accomplish your body?”
Here is my square-shooting answer to your question: I am Type A to the hilt; however, I don’t see everything as black or white anymore. Shades of gray (I’m not referencing the book : ) can be important in navigating the rat race, at least in my opinion. I check myself quite often when I’m stressing or anxious, and it’s usually because I’ve only looked at the bad. I do that less and less each day. Less stress = less fat.
I don’t have the perfect body, and I won’t. I punished myself and my body for years by not caring about myself, physically, focusing only on work and what people thought of my skills, my work ethic, how many projects I was involved in, etc. I was always skinny as a child, and a teenager, and into my 20s and 30s, and then one day, I was 32 and overweight. 5′ 5″ and 162 – 163 lbs. I didn’t even notice the transition from size 4 to size 14 because I didn’t care about myself, really.
A few years ago, I decided I was sick of my own B.S. I took another job, moved to a different city, worked on my attitude toward myself, worked on my relationship with my sister, and became a much happier person. I started walking every day, then jogging, and eventually running, and I got down to a beautiful size 6. Within a year and half after this, I bought my first house (my beautiful cottage in the woods), met the coolest guy on the planet, got engaged, got married, accepted a new position, and I’ve stayed happy, while still being the ever-achieving Type A girl.
I’ve maintained my size 6 for nearly six years now. I go to the gym 3 days each week, 30 – 60 minutes each time, and we often bike on the weekend. I try new sports/activities (boxing, Pure Barre, hiking, yoga). I eat either oatmeal with a banana or a tablespoon of peanut butter with a banana for breakfast, every day. Oh, and my terrible little can of Diet Coke.
A eat a low-in-sugar granola bar between breakfast and lunch. I usually bring my lunch to work, so it is one of those horrible processed Lean Cuisine meals and an Asian pear. Sometimes I go next door for a salad.
I eat a handful of trail mix between lunch and dinner.
Dinner – depends. My husband is a vegetarian, so we use the meatless crumbles, tofu, faux sausage, etc. He will eat turkey, so we cook with turkey. Typically my dinners are small. I’m not the healthiest eater, but we do ok.
If I decided to go to the gym or run more than 3 days each week, then I would probably be a size 4. BUT, and here is the important part, for me at least: My body looks great at a size 6, and I have too many things in my life to do that right now. I’m very happy and healthy and look 10 years younger than my age, and I maintain very well. Being someone prone to anxiety and depression, I work out for mental clarity instead of weight loss. A thinner body is just, well, icing on that cake : ) I also use every tool available to me to keep me happy, healthy and sane, and that does include a therapist, though I rarely do talk therapy anymore. To manage my stress and anxiety, I do neurofeedback twice a week right now because it truly changes the way the brain works. Athletes use it to achieve peak performance, and I use in a continuing effort to move beyond the negative stress and anxiety that have been with me since childhood. These things can be unlearned (and without hating our parents!), and I’m proof of that.
I won’t give you the, “You are not fat” speech. I don’t think you are, of course, but it never matters what someone else thinks about us. It only matters what we think about us, and I want you to love yourself more than you do because you ARE worth it little sista.
Please don’t stay away from your family during Christmas : ( I know these things are tough to deal with, but one day you won’t have them and that will be sad. I read something once that sparked something in me, something that knocked the wind out of me. I don’t remember who said it or where I read it but here goes: “The only sure way to avoid all emotional pain is not to care about anything. And I can’t think of anything more painful than that.”
So, what I’m saying is sometimes we just gotta buck up and decide what we want out of life, but that requires soul-searching, being open to change (which I know you are), deciding at the end of the day, what we truly, truly want, and owning it! Otherwise, we are all just rats on a wheel trying to survive life rather than living it, and I can’t believe in that!
And 10 MARTINI LUNCH seems more than a little drunk/crazy/bipolar/Intermittent Explosive Disorder or all of the above. Why do people who insist they don’t like you, continue to read and post here, and under fake names? I don’t know what it is, but lately there have been so many strange young freaks in the comment section. I guess high schools have let out for the Christmas break…it’s a bit stomach-turning actually ; )
Such an awesome reply.
More later.
And your Fifty Shades reference made me LOL.
:D
Despite our differences in thoughts regarding Nix, your post is excellent, Cassy, and full of good advice.
Cassy, I think this is great advice.
Life is all about choices and I agree. I know I could be 5lbs smaller (which no one would even notice but me) or I could spend less time worrying about that and focus on my relationships and business. I choose the second one.
I also agree regarding what you said about family, I’m so glad I spent a lot of time with my grandparents before they passed. That is something that cannot be replaced.
Do you know what is my litmus test for friendship? I almost ALWAYS question myself, “Would I want this organism at my book signing party?” Tom Hanks? Yes. Joe Fox played by Tom Hanks in ‘You’ve Got Mail’? Yes. My sister? Yes. Sir Henry (without a date)? Probably. My sister Stephanie (and not Lisa)? Yes. Cassy? Yes. “Oh my fucking god, yes.” I feel like I deserve your friendship; but I also feel like there’s so much left to earn. Thank you for EVERYTHING that you’ve written here. Means the absolute world to me. xoxoxo
Just an observation, but I haven’t heard you referring to yourself as “fat” (your word not mine:) until after you started the vegan diet. Seems you get plenty of exercise, maybe your body doesn’t metabolize as well without protein? I know everybody’s different but personally if I avoid carbs I can eat and drink anything I want. Add carbs back in and I gain (which is where I am now, ugh!) Peace.
Hi:) Feedback much appreciated!!! Project Lollipop was 3 months before becoming vegan. And, my article, “Fat^9″ was published at my thinnest in 2011, although the fat of subject is really true now. I believe the addy for that article is http://www.nicoleandgwendolyn.com/fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat LOL. Am mobile, so I’ll fix later if it doesn’t work! :D
I have a question and I know it’s a bit off topic but I just want to get a better understanding of your view on the topic.
You’ve mentioned several times that you don’t believe in mental illness. I understand that you don’t view anorexia and bulimia as disorders and I agree that there is a degree of social construct in defining mental illness. My question is how do you view things such as schizophrenia?
Obviously given what happened in CT last week mental health is a hot button issue and I don’t expect you to “solve” anything here, just wanted to know what you thought.
I wrote a tad about my thoughts on ‘mental illness’ here: “I have homosexuality.”
Since writing that piece, however, I’ve become more radical in my thoughts; and I’ve found a theory that directly aligns with my own, constantly developing thoughts. From Szasz.com:
“Perhaps most radically … Thomas Szasz deemed mental illness a mythic and monstrous beast, and proclaimed that ‘mental illness’ was a fiction. Insanity, he has continued ever since to claim, is not a real disease, whose nature has been progressively scientifically unveiled; mental illness is rather a myth, forged by psychiatrists for their own greater glory.”
Spot on with my thoughts. These thoughts jetted through my head as a 17-year old during my first experiences with mental health ‘doctors’ for my ‘bulimia.’
The comments I was thinking of making I would have thought would get me crucified on here, but after reading the others, probably not. haha.
I am not a skinny person, working on it, but not there yet. But for me CONTROL!!! It is all about control, I thrive on control. I write down everything I eat, with the exception of green veggies. I count every sip, nibble, and drink. I drink alcohol in moderation (not by amount at one time, but frequency of drinking), but every calorie of that is written down. I wear a BodyMedia arm band which tells me ever calorie I burn, so I can compute how much I eat versus how much I burn. I make sure I burn AT LEAST 1000 calories everyday.
I go to bed hungry. Your body is completely digested after 5 hours, therefore if you don’t eat after 7 pm, and don’t eat breakfast till 10 (I wake up late) then I am using stored fat/sugar/energy for 10 hours before I eat a small breakfast. But with how much cardio you do, I would focus on proteins and less on carbs.
And kick that yoga back into gear. I am excited that my knee is almost back to normal for me to start doing body resistance again. PS, the BodyMedia arm band tells me all sorts of other great stuff besides how many calories I burn, it tells me steps I take, how much physical activity I do and of that how much is moderate and how much is vigorous. It tells me how much sleep I get and how efficient my sleep is. Granted it is not overly cute to wear, but easy to put under sweaters and jackets.
So take back the CONTROL!!!!!
xxxxx Liz
Girlfriend,
Your comment speaks to my number counting soul!!!
I bought a Garmin 310XT, and I am controlling EVERYTHING (except alcohol because I have set an allowability for food, darn well knowing that alcohol will exist at some point during the day. For me, alcohol is recreational; and I want some sort of freedom.
For almost three years, NOT knowing my exact food consumption worked superbly. But clearly things have changed.
It is the start of a new era. :)
I have joined your team.
It is SUCH an annoying team (keeping track of everything), but once I hit 30, the calories in caused me so much trouble, that it became way more important than the amount of exercise I was getting. Never in a million years did I want this to be the place I needed to be counting calories, but a necessary evil for right now. Especially with the issues with my knee, it just had to be the way it goes.
Welcome to the team! :)
Two months ago, I revealed my bare stomach to my abdominal queen sister, inquiring if I looked pregnant. She said, “No. But you’re 30 now. You need to work for your abs.” And it hit me: for the last year, I had not.
Thus my fat.
I appreciate your warm welcome. ;)
Such a true statement. We have to work for our abs (or legs or whatever). I will have to remember that next time I am trying to voice my frustrations.
Although I have no doubt this will get me called a fat socialist whore and/or man and/or someone else from some other blog (again, really named Sarah, really female, really in NYC, no blog), I tell you as objectively as possible: you deeply, desperately need to find a therapist with whom you connect.
You do not have to live in this angry isolation (inserts rhetorical question so you don’t have to: “Really? I’m angry and isolated?” Yes, yes you are.) You can have real human friends (inserts rhetorical question followed by name-calling: “Really? I don’t have friends? Bitch!”) You can see your family without giving a shit about your weight. But the first step is becoming a self-actualized adult.
You were actually in my dream last night. You moved into a house next door to my parents (with whom I developed a close relationship once I got treatment for my ED), and above your door you had giant gold gilded letters spelling out “Atlas Shrugged.” And I saw you inside, staring out the window and crying. Then you hired my aunt to clean your house and chased her off, insulting her in fake fancy Brit-speak and pelting her with copies of Ayn Rand until she was sobbing like you. No joke. When I woke up, I felt overwhelmingly sad for you and longed to tell you how much more there is to life than self-righteousness driven by self-hate.
Okay, I’m here preparing for you to choose one line of this comment that has nothing to do with what I’m actually trying to say and ask a rhetorical question about it and call me a nane and tell me recovery is fake and hurl a McCarthy-era insult at me for believing in it, but I hope that in some small way, some of what I’ve said sinks in.
I am SO FUCKING EXCITED that you dreamt of ME and AYN RAND in the same period of slumber!!!!!!!!! :D
And, do you know what is SUPER ironic? Last night, I ALMOST purchased the Kate Spade (I know, so 2008) “SPARKLE” Christmas cards!!! But I settled on the French Hens.
Irony?
Mwah! ;)
Did you catch what the dream was about? That you were crying because you had become locked in Ayn Rand world, used it to hurt and alienate other people, and that I woke up feeling sorry for you? Did you catch the fact that I said nothing about sparkles, fashion, or Christmas cards?
I see. Yes, I see!
So you’re THAT girl who dreams of STUFF that is actually REALITY, presenting itself as a dream!!!
Holy fucking hell, I heard about you!
Very impressive. I can’t believe you’re reading my blog! Does that mean I’m popular? Well, I can believe it, because you seem to know much about me; in fact you seem to be quite familiar with me… enough to be considered a stalker?
But really, how do you do it? I mean, with regard to the dreams. I dream of… Jeanie. ;)
Bahahahahaha.
You asked for straightforward, objective answers. I took the time to write out the most thoughtful one I possibly could. You called me names and laughed at me. So what you’re actually saying, it seems, is, “Tell me pro-Ana stuff or I’ll behave like I’m in junior high,” and of course I can’t do anything with that. I’ll close by saying that you are making the choice to live like this, and you could instead make a much braver, more productive, more age-appropriate choice that would result in the outcome you profess to want: actual relationships with other human beings. As always, I refuse to return the name-calling, and wish you peace, both within and without.
Amongst your rubbish comment, you FAILED to answer my question, SARAH.
Namaste.
Okay, answers to questions: you got it! Are you popular? I don’t know, because I stopped caring about that in junior high. Am I a stalker? Nope. How do I have dreams? I go to sleep. There ya go: actual, respectful addressing of the real comment. I’d love to see you do the same for mine, without name-calling or laughing or resorting to any of your standard lines (Ayn Rand, no such thing as recovery, you must be Fiona/male, looter/socialist/bitch, etc.) I would be so impressed if you did that!
I meant to the original article, NY moron.
Why call names? Seriously, I don’t get it. There are plenty of people I disagree with, but I don’t call them names. What is the other question to which you are specifically seeking an answer? I answered what I thought was the primary question: what is our objective opinion? I’d be happy to answer whatever else you need and to do it respectfully. Would you be willing to do the same for me?
One only perceives “name calling” as such when the descriptor words are perceived as being negative. If I called you a fairy tale princess instead of an ugly hoe, would it be perceived as name calling? And really, you are such a little snot. You very well know that you haven’t answered my question. Read it over again, and answer, if you have an answer which I suppose you do not. That is why you flock to my website, to read about someone who really does manage their life fantastically. I’d cite my question here, but I’d rather your page click.
Looter!
**thought I’d help out here**
My weight does not define me.
It’s not that hard, Nic. You just want it to be.
Try coming off of 11.5 years of bulimia.
I think that almost 3 years of cleanliness speaks mountains.
And your, “It’s not that hard, Nic” speaks molehills.
What’s your background to have such a condescending opinion on my food, yoga, and body life?
Yeah, this is what floors me with the trolls (and ladies, you ARE trolls) who comment on here. No one has walked in Nicole’s shoes, and the other ED girls think they have all the answers. If you haven’t lived Nicole’s life, which you haven’t, because you are not Nicole, then you have no say in Nicole’s life.
I don’t agree with everything Nicole says or does, but it isn’t MY place to decide what/when/where/how/who is the right solution for her. She is coming off 11+ years of a cycle that was ruining her, and she does what she needs to do to keep that in check and she is ALLOWED to figure out where she needs to go from here. So, please go away Kat, Emily, Sarah, JSG, Annick/10+ Martinis/Pixie Nation (freak)/Go play some Chutes & Ladders, Vera, Ase. Seriously…this is an oh so serious question and I await with bated breath for the answer: what is your point for commenting here? What do you hope to accomplish? What are your ages, heights and weights? No, truly, I want to know. Maybe each of you could post a picture as well? Preferably a happy one with you and your family, arms around each other? I’ll post mine, if you post yours.
Cassy, I love you, and my heart cannot believe that I have such a good friend to defend me like you’ve done. Thank you. :) xo
I’m not speaking for myself, but I have to say that many of those you deem “troll,” are commenting to HELP Nicole. I know Nicole doesn’t want the help, but that doesn’t mean their intentions aren’t good. Nor does it hold that you have to experience exactly what someone else experienced to be able to offer advice or criticism. Sometimes it helps to have experienced the same thing, but there’s something to be said about an outside perspective, especially since Nicole is so tangled up in her hell to see reality. Just because you’ve experienced more hardship than the next person doesn’t make you automatically right. All this is moot of course since she is not only not willing to consider others’ advice when it contradicts her (ever changing) “philosophy”, but she also attacks people who are offering that advice.
I’m not saying that everyone commenting here is doing it with good intentions, is polite to Nicole, etc. I, for one, comment because it’s entertaining. Baiting Nicole is fun. Reading her incoherent attempts at witty recanter is fun. I don’t mind indirectly paying her a couple cents a day to watch this train wreck. Not gonna lie. But not everyone is me: not everyone commenter deserves to be attacked by her or dismissed with such disrespect.
Every commenter deserves to be hugged because they offer insight?
This is not The Coffee Addict. If you want love, you know where to read, Gem.
I didn’t say every commentor deserves a hug. I said many commentors do not deserve to be attacked or dismissed.
And Cassy, if I thought it would change anything, I’d gladly send you a picture. But you, like Nicole, are clearly unwilling to accept any opinions other than your own.
Why should one accept an opinion other than their own? I realise that other opinions exist, but it doesn’t mean that I need to respect that opinion. If an opinion is voiced for something of which I feel strongly (ahem, the subjects of this blog), then I sure as heck shall reply with my truest, honest thoughts. Disagreement does not mean “attack” and is only perceived as such by a person not fully sure of their own “opinion,” IMO.
Exactly. Disagreement does NOT mean attack. But attacking someone is EXACTLY how you voice your disagreement. I’m not saying you need to ACCEPT other opinions. All I’m saying is that you reacting to attempts to HELP YOU with nothing but viciousness and dismissal is 1) unwarrented and 2) implies insecurity and denial on your own part.
You know what? You’re clearly not going to agree with me, so I’m not going to keep trying. Back to my regularly scheduled snarking on you and your regularly scheduled flippant retorts. I like that part better anyway!
Did this article specifically outline that I do not NEED or SEEK help? Abide by the rules, commentators, or expect for your feelings to be hurt if you cannot handle objective discussion.
Lol. “rules”
Lol. “objective discussion”
Do you prefer The Comment Laws of NicoleAndGwendolyn.com? ;)
Yes. Actually, I do!
I might add that as a NicoleAndGwendolyn.com menu item, just to avoid any future confusion. Thank you for your feedback.
To everything you just said? Nope. Post a picture Gem.
Here’s her picture.
Fwiw, GEM, I agree. For some reason Cassie cannot allow NMS’s narrative to alter by incorporating good advice. Nicole, for her part, encourages this dysfunctional relationship between them, i stronglymsuspext, just to keep the pot boiling. I also spect that Cassie’s insistence on uttering these things reveals more about her own issues around dependence/independence than NMS’s.
Are you philosophizing again JSG, you silly goose?
I know you are only doing this because you have some strange need to hang out at this site, and I also realize you like poking a stick at me, and I’m in a great mood today, so I will humor you. For someone who tries realhardz at being astute, your psychological profile of me couldn’t be further from the truth : )
BUT, do keep trying, ’cause it’s great fun!
Bahahahahahahaha! :D
PS: ‘Nic’ is the name of a man. I am Nicole.
Let me ask you, Nic…
Do you WANT to heal? Do you WANT to get beyond your disordered eating/life? The truth, please.
I don’t see you wanting recovery. I see you (from the words YOU type) wanting to stay the way you are. You’ve evidently lost family, have very few real friends that walk on two legs, no boyfriend or even one to kiss, and you spin spin spin around until you’re dizzy and then wonder why your head hurts.
Gem was right – not everyone is out to attack you. Some of us are just darting around, holding a mirror for you to catch a peek in.
No such thing as recovery from a lifestyle, but thanks for playing!
My weight does define me, personally. So the fuck what? Who cares?
Other things define me too obviously–I’d still be (insert my job title here) and a wife and a mom and a person who likes (insert my interests here) and the other 1000000000 things I am. Who cares if weight defines someone? I also have blue eyes and would feel quite odd if they turned brown tomorrow because they’ve always been blue. OMG, I’m so fucked up.
@Wendy, you are SO not fucked up. The silly “JSG-Sarah-Fiona-in-disguise” style commentary that you read here? They are only a handful of the feedback that I receive from readers. Most of my comments arrive in the form of personal emails (to which I’m super behind on responding – I’d offer my apologies, but I’m not sorry – I’m just busy)… they mainly come from women in their mid thirties to mid fifties. Those with fabulous jobs, those with big families (compromised of husband and or dog(s) and or human children), and even those who are single with so much happening that it’s just as bright 24×7 in their lives. These women do what I do. They do what you do. They manage the tendencies to binge. They ensure enough consumption to ensure the proper functioning of their bodies. Always in the peripherals of their other responsibilities exist the fretting about their bodies. In the back of their minds, as the engine for their daily drive, they are concerned about one thing: THE BODY BEING THIN. And I am so proud to be a member of your thin society (well, once I lose 12 pounds… or more). ;) xoxoxo
So very much anger in your comments to readers and some, like Sarah, offered what I thought were very insightful comments. In fact, if you took the time to read rather than react to people you’ve decided are not in your circle, you’d see some actually pretty great things are being said here. Are some commenters mean? Yeah…but I think others do care about what is happening with you.
Oh, and on that thing you like to say about there being no such thing as mental illness and citing your faith and trust in Thomas Szasz, I think if you read him more closely you’ll find he was condemning the establishment’s use of the midical model in dealing with what he called “problems in living.” He never said that such problems don’t exist, he simply said they are not diseases. So while you can validly say that being a follower of Szasz allows you to say that the *term* “mental illness” does not exist, you cannot validly say that such things as strange behavior and odd thought process don’t exist.
In this post alone you’ve shown how fractured and scattered your thoughts can be, how your mind races from one topic to another at fantastic speed. Intense self-hate just jumps off the page and, as I say, levels of anger approaching rage. You admit over and over and over again that you have almost no impulse control…you can’t even keep soft drinks in the house or you’d guzzle them right down. Your approach to relationships with men is immature, manipulative to the point of diminishing men to nothing more than objects to be dominated. As best I can tell you have no peer relations other than those you maintain by electronic means…alcohol could easily become a real problem for you. I’m almost positive that in a city as large as yours you could find a very good female psychologist who also disdains the medical model and is willing to talk to you about “problems in living” without ever invoking a “diagnosis” or any other medical model thing.
Won’t you *PLEASE* consider this?
Correct.
Mental illnesses are not diseases.
That is exactly what I intend to convey in my expressions.
Thank you for helping me to articulate that:) mwah!
You’ve done it again: picked one sentence or word in a very thoughtful comment and ignored the rest. This commenter, like many over the last few weeks, has asked some great questions and raised apparently genuine concerns around your wellbeing and instead of a gracious and thoughtful response, you either attack with vicious, junior high taunts or completely deflect as I mentioned above. I’ve been a (mostly) quiet reader of your blog for a very, very long time and your tenor and tone have changed so much it’s hard for me to read anymore. The nastiness and name calling are incredible (fat whore – really???) and “socialist” gets me laughing every time (I’m a Canadian and you really need to get educated on socialism in the world – it’s what the most successful countries practice). But really it’s just the plain crazy that’s hard to watch, you twist yourself in knots trying to deny there’s anything wrong right after writing an “all’s wrong” post. I really cared about the girl you seemed to be, now, your nasty attacks have changed that and while I certainly don’t wish you any ill, I just don’t care anymore. Yeah, I know: I’m a fat whore, socialist. (Just saving you the trouble.)
You don’t care about me anymore? :(
PS: I am a follower of nobody.
Will you please consider my suggestion from above? Yes or no.
Fuck no, I shan’t consider your suggestion from above.
BUT, I shall agree with your statement on Szasz, 100%.
In fact, yesterday evening, I ordered his “The Myth of Mental Illness.”
It shall be my first Amazon Affiliate book review of 2013. ;)
I’m am neither successful, nor high powered, nor managing anything in the realm of 15 miles.
I have never been pretty for Christmas. Or a birthday. Or any other day for that matter. Not in 21 years of life.
I maintain a weight you would likely find so disgusting you would never leave the house, and I think you may be taller than me. *sigh* Granted my cycles of b/p-attempt to restrict-start purging everything-b/p don’t help. Hell, it’s probably making me fat.
Some of these comments make me think I should be sticking with the purging everything I eat and then take up running 20miles a day. If someone thinks you eat too much and needto exercise more, I dread to think what thay (and you) would make of me…
ps. I hope that you can feel happy and pretty soon.
Oh Katie, you can’t take anything on this blog seriously. The advice given and received here is for the most part, not safe (I do think that Francoise gets it right mostly). While I work full-time and travel quite a bit, I teach Spinning, Pilates and Xtend Barre a few times a week and I want you to know that a well-balanced diet and mindful exercise is the best way to attain a healthy body, mind and life.
Outward beauty is so very, very subjective. People become more or less attractive once you get to know them. Sometimes the most physically beautiful people become quite less attractive once you get to know them and the reverse is also true. Please do not sell yourself short. Focus on the good person that you are and reach out to people who love and value you. You aren’t alone and I hope YOU can feel happy and pretty soon.
Katie, you are quite articulate for a mere “21″ year old.
I won’t speak for Nicole, nor anyone else with an eating disorder, but as a *civilian* here, what on earth about this post makes you think you should continue to purge? No one is saying that and if you found that somewhere in this post, then it is on you. And, for the record, no one has ever been pretty for Christmas, in the history of.the.world.ever. Christmas photographs are horrific, no matter how good a person looks in real life, so stop dwelling on that. Here and now.
21 is far too young and far too old to be feeling you should be “sticking with the purging.” No one has to run 20 miles a day to lose weight. I started out by walking for 5 minutes. Then 10 minutes, then 15 minutes, then back to 11 minutes, etc., until one day, I decided I liked feeling energized. Life isn’t black and white. Get some perspective, and please, if you truly are only 21 and having issues (forgive me if I’m suspect, because if you are a true reader of Nicole’s blog, you know the dimwit liars come out in droves. And, also, if you truly are an impressionable babe…DO.NOT.READ.GOMI. Especially the HLB forums.
Why would a 21-year old not be articulate? I had a college degree at 21. Many people do. I’d say I was pretty articulate at 21. It’s not like she said she was 9-years old or something.
Secondly, how dare you question someone’s honest, heartfelt response to a post? If this is what it made her feel, why would you question that? Posts like these, as well as the comments, are incredibly triggering – they’re triggering to me just as a body-conscious human and I’ve never even been diagnosed with an eating disorder, something Katie clearly seems to struggle with. To hear someone as thin as Nicole (125 lbs! That’s skinny!) talk about how fat she feels makes those of us hovering over 125 feel, frankly, kind of shitty. And if that someone has an ED…well, it makes sense it would trigger them to relapse into those practices, whatever they be for that individual…binging, purging, restricting, etc. Nicole may not outright recommend purging in this blog post, and I know in fact she would recommend cessation of purging — but that doesn’t mean the negative words, the hinting at “extreme measures” (sounds like purging to me), the putting down of fat people, the term “fat whore” – can’t trigger someone who is struggling.
Katie, I would say just stay away from this blog. It’s not going to do you any good. There are plenty of positive places on the internet, this is not one of them.
I do not put down fat people for being fat. 10 Martini Lunch is (reportedly) not fat. I was just angry yesterday. But she is a whore. :)
I stayed away from these sorts of sites for all of my bulimic tenure bc they made me jealous and sad about my bulimic fat. About my failure to stay thin. Katie knows that she’s welcome here always; she also knows that she shan’t be judged if she stays away. My blog is a safe place for discussion of taboo subjects. Interpret that as you like.
Nicole, the fact that you were “just angry yesterday” does not negate the fact that you DID use “fat whore” as an insult. You DO use weight to insinuate that there is wrong with someone. You constantly contradict yourself but please, please don’t pretend that you don’t use the word “fat” with a negative connotation.
Of course I use “fat” negatively… who doesn’t use negative words when angry? Do you expect me to reply to hatred with “la la la fluffy fucking bunnies to you!!!”? But I assure you that I never use “fat” to hurt someone when they are truly a fatty. If a person is really fat, I would never criticise their weakness at controlling consumption bc I know exactly how hard it is. Citing a fat person as fat is, to me, like citing a mentally handicap person as “retarded.” No bueno. Thanks for your brilliantly snotty feedback, as always, LindsAy. ;)
I have a BSc Hons in Chemistry, I do hope I am capable of being literate.
And yes, I am a real reader. I hope Nicole knows that. I may be an absentee in the comments section for the most part (I turn up too late to the party and get caught up in reading things I struggle with, or I have nothing to say) but I do pop in when I can.
As far as the purging, it’s already a terrible habit/addiction for me and I can’t handle eating less without triggering MASSIVE binges. So yes, my reaction to the reccomendations of decrease calories is purge more. However unhealthy or stupid that may be.
Plus, I’d suck at eating raw like Nicole does. Or I’d turn orange from excessive carrot consumption since it’s one of the few raw foods I enjoy.
How do you know, when you are responding to someone on the internet, their size? So when you call someone a “fat whore”, someone you don’t know in real life, you have no idea how it will effect them. Given that this is a “safe” place for discussing taboo issues (as you call it), maybe you’re best to refrain from using those terms period. I know you agree because you’ve said in the past you weren’t going to do that anymore. Then you get angry….well, angry is no excuse for saying purposefully hurtful things, things you know that would hurt you if they were said to you. You go on about things people in your past, your family, etc, have said that hurt your feelings yet you don’t give two shits about the things YOU say to other people that might hurt THEIR feelings.
I talk about how people in my past have hurt my feelings? When? This must be Fi-fucking-ona. Hahaha. You’re insane.
Girlfriend, From commencement of your commenting at my blog, I read THE OLD ME in THE PRESENT YOU. You’re only 21. That’s a fucking decade ago (for moi). At your age, I was living in a little dinky doo apartment, ordering Domino’s pizza, throwing the boxes into the bathtub when my parents would “raid” my apartment to catch me in a binge/purge/whatever the fuck they thought I was doing… having dessert in the automobile at Krispy Kreme (when they still had fab drive-thrus)… OH YES, and having an abortion, getting high off of the weight loss from the blood loss… IT WAS FUCKED UP. And I was a fat piece of shit. So, for as much as you might THINK that I would hate you, I get you. And I adore you all the more. And I shall never forget your little challenge on my WIAW of several months ago. That, my dear, earned my respect. And you shall be thin one day. I just know it. xo
Sometimes I ask myself, would I rather be five pounds heavier and feel great and never think another day in my life about food and weight. Or, would I rather be five pounds thinner and constantly obsess and criticize my eating, exercise and body. I honestly don’t know, but I tend to believe I’d go for the five pounds heavier option, just to be free from the criticism and obsessive thinking. It’s tricky because as much as we believe the external perfection will save us, we can’t trick what’s in our hearts.
I’ve been the same weight (given five pounds or so) for the last 10 years. I’ve found that it’s my “happy” weight — the easiest to maintain with a normal amount of exercise. I do some form of aerobics every day (run, dance, swim) for 30 to 40 minutes. I walk as much as I can. I’ve definitely used exercise as a form of punishment in the past and I refuse to do that any longer.
I don’t do well with being hungry, so I eat regular meals. I avoid processed foods as much as possible, but I do over-rely on protein bars. I am vegan, so I find it hard to get enough. I eat at least two pieces of fruit a day. I try to get in 2 to 3 servings of vegetables. On the weekends, all of that goes out the window, and I end up eating too many carbs and drinking too many cocktails. A social life can wreak havoc on a diet. But, I only let it slip a day or so.
I guess at the end of the day, my only thought is that we all need to find what works best for our lifestyle and our bodies. For me, extremes have never worked for the long term. It’s only bottled up whatever was trying to get out — only to have it explode later on.
Your mantra of eating for nourishment and nutrition is I think very solid and rational. It’s overall how I eat, too. Remember that place and find your way back there — back to the center.
You said on the first GOMI thread about you that the things people were saying about you hurt your feelings.
Facetiousness.
Oh! Alice!!! So when I read your (paraphrased) “if I accepted my body at only five pounds heavier, it would be so much easier” comment, my head immediately thinks, “NO, it would not be so much easier!!!” At least, for a former bulimic it would not be as such. For me, it would be, “Okay! I can eat an extra 300 calories per day! Fuck yeah!”… so then the 300 calories (which is nothing for a former bulimic) would just be normal. And then I would battle against the +300 bulge. And the +300 would turn into +300 and an apple. And then a few extra olives in the martini. And the BOOM. An extra 15 pounds in nine months. So, for me, unless the +300 would be amenable to my metabolism and as much as I hate the subject, “set point,” it would be torture. “Back to the centre.” That is precisely what I’m telling myself. In fact, I have connected with the yoga teacher whom I have chosen for 2013 and for life. I feel very happy and centred about this choosing. It shall, indeed, be a grand new year. Shall it be so for you? xoxoxo
I’m not sure if you’ll like my honest answer, but…
I’ve realized that “perfection”, especially that which is commonly externally defined, in certain aspects of life is not reasonable, achievable or is very momentary. For places where perfection is logically, physically or otherwise unreasonable, I work on trying to better myself and my situation, while also acknowledging that an idealized model of perfection may exist, but it is likely never achievable. There’s also a need to prioritize since there is honestly not time to take everything to the desired level of perfection, especially as I allow my interests and involvement in my live to expand.
This comes from someone who’s entire adult career is as a Quality Assurance Engineer. I look for problems ALL day long so they can be fixed. But they will never all be fixed. I know that. The software I work with is so complex, the situations so varied, it’s impossible given other constraints, such as time, to have the perfection I would chose. But I also don’t simply give up and stop doing my job since I can’t do it to the level I would ideally chose, instead I try to make educated decisions on where to focus my time and effort and if I have time for more, that’s even better. I’m not saying coming to realizations about the goals of perfections vs. perpetual betterment and prioritization aren’t difficult it themselves, especially when trying to navigate the line, but there’s no way I can do everything I want to and so at some points, I must chose something where my time is best spent.
M.,
I love your answer.
Fucking j’adore it!
It’s as close to a romance novel as I shall surely arrive to in my life in the foreseeable future.
My brain, although presently influenced by two gorgeous Lauren Bacall dirties, feels really damn happy… in a homemaker x party girl x scientist sort of way. Yes, that is exactly what you do to me. :)
JSG? Not so much:) Bahahahahafuckingha.
What do you think, girlfriend? One more martini? I think so :) xoxoxo
M., What a stupid reply I offered to your message! I am therefore back to revise my original reply. :) I definitely agree that we must choose where our time is best spent. For me, it’s in the forest walking with Gwendolyn. Calories are burnt, but I am doing so with the one whom I love. So hours at the gym were replaced with hours in the forest, long ago. Rome wasn’t built overnight, and I definitely have made significant changes, even with the body requirements. What you see now is 100 times less intense than what existed even three years ago.
With regard to body requirements, lessening the focus, for people like us, is much easier said than done, especially when my pants are tight; and I’m freaking out, creating a new manic ‘get thin now’ plan. But I couldn’t agree with you more. I want a full, vibrant life; and I do not want to be angry someday in the future when I realise that I focused too dearly on my body than on things that really matter. I can work hard on my body without making it the sun. Gwendolyn is my sun.
What is your sun?
My advice is to try other resistance training if you don’t have time for yoga. I know yoga is amazing, but if you just can’t make the time for it, maybe try kettlebells or other weights. I find I look slim and long with resistance training but get flabby quickly without it.
How tall are you, by the way?
I loved the outfit combo you put together in this post.
I am 5’3″.
And after years of weight addiction + years of yoga addiction + 1 year of nothing (aka shit), I pick yoga.
Thank you for the fashion props. I know. I am quit the fashionista. ;) xoxoxo
I fight an internal battle every time I start to type your blog’s url. Why do I do this to myself, I ask…why do I keep coming back to your insane rantings on your little blog, feeding your stats and thus your ego, and your false sense that this will one day fund your retirement…
Well, I haven’t quite figured it all out, but I think there are a few main reasons. 1. I am fascinated by you, Nicole. You make a grand statement and then you contradict yourself in the next post. You draw a line with respect to your eating and exercise, and then you just walk right over it and cry about it. You are SO BLOODY INTO YOURSELF and your problems, with a level of navel-gazing I have never seen before (and I am a member of the media, so I see a lot of it)…and I think I am coming back to see the great implosion. You’re like a car wreck and I am a rubbernecker on the road.
2. I love some of the commenters! Some very insightful, intuitive, caring people. Just Some Guy, Sarah from NY, LaineyBin/EDN (shout-out to the fellow Canuck!)…I want to read YOUR blogs. I bet the subject matter you’d choose to post on daily would be as different from the drivel here as one can get.
I have written again and again with words of advice for you but I can’t bring myself to actually put them here.
I will tell you, I am a healthy woman with a husband and a child, I eat extremely healthy food prepared almost always by me. I juice daily, I serve and eat a variety from the rainbow of colors that natural food comes in. I eschew boxed food in favor of fresh and homemade whenever possible. I have a chronic disease that is like a full-time job and I have no time for fretting over my extra five pounds. Like I said, I am a member of the media (journalist, magazine editor, used to be a television reporter), and I own a very successful online store. And I am happy. I can only wish the same for you, in the end.
Lovely comment.
Thank you for reading.
I used to be a twig. So thin that strangers would stop me, either to ask what my secret was or to encourage me to get help. I’m not supposed to admit it, but I liked being “scary skinny” — I liked that the fragility and vulnerability I felt inside was reflected on the outside. At my tiniest, I was 5’8 and 95 pounds. That was too thin. I know that. But I liked it.
Most of my 20′s hovered between 110 and 125. Still thin, but no one was trying to rush me off to the hospital. Felt good. Was a size 2.
Then I got married to a man who loves curves (I was 128 at my wedding), started eating meat, and moved from a big northeast city (where I walked everywhere) to a small southern town (where I drive everywhere). I knew I had gained some weight, but after a long history of fighting my body I tried to just put it out of my mind. Eat what I wanted to eat. Tell myself that my husband loves my fat tits so I should too.
One month ago I went to the doctor and nearly passed out on the scale. 145 POUNDS. MY HEAVIEST EVER. HORRIFYING. Stop everything. Not okay.
I’m proud to say I’ve lost almost 10 pounds in this first month, and I don’t plan on stopping until I get back to 120. I’m not going to extremes, but I’m staying focused. Small changes, like:
-Drink 2 cups of water as soon as I wake up
-Walk the dog at least 1 mile immediately after
-Unsweetened oatmeal with an egg yolk for breakfast, every morning (I do not skip breakfast ever). Coffee black.
-No snacks
-Lunch under 200 cals (often soup). No bread or cheese ever.
-Constant water/unsweetened tea/sugar free drinks
-No craft beer (my vice). Wine, gin, and whiskey are allowed after 6pm.
-Small dinner with few restrictions (to minimize accusations of disordered eating) — but it must be HALF of what my husband eats. Focus on protein.
-NO SNACKS. In bed by 10pm.
I’ve always had a decent metabolism and my height helps me out. I’m halfway to my goal and it’s only been a month. Wellbutrin helps (kills my appetite and boost my mood). My husband is suspicious, but he does love how my waist keeps shrinking.
Emma – I love your story! I suspect the insight you gained into the mechanisms, as it were, of your anorexia were more hard won than your simple statement of them would indicate. :-). I love the fact that this whole ED thing doesn’t dominate your life and that you obviously perceive it as old news! I think anyone who believes they can’t move on from ED need only talk to you. I imagine you sometimes still struggle, but it sounds like y live a healthy and happy life and plan on continuing to do just exactly what you are doing. Thanks so much for sharing a real success story!
Emma, I have to say I am concerned that you think it’s worthwhile to “hide” from your husband the cause of your shrinking waist. Do you think your husband would disapprove of your actions? Do you, somewhere in your mind, thinking what you are doing is unhealthy? Do you think he would disapprove of what you’re doing to yourself to get that weight you want? Do you think he would be happier to know you are skinny and potentially hurting yourself vs. being a little larger and not damaging your body?
I know it’s not healthy, and I know he would be upset. I also know that I feel wrong in this body so I am trying to change that. Doesn’t make it right or advisable, but the question was “what do you do?” This is what I do. No politics or philosophies here, just a question answered.
Emma! I love every single bit about what you’ve written. Although I come across as crazy to my readers, I must say that I identify with your rational plan better than any that I’ve ever read. Even the “eat half of my husband’s meal” rings a bell with me. I don’t have a husband, but I’ve had dates. Plenty! And it was always half. Please do keep me posted on your progress. I’d love before and after photographs!
So this is going to become a pro-ana site, then? Forget about nourishment and nutrition – we’re now sharing our diet secrets (wellbutrin and restriction.)
All that dishing on the mopey anorexics was just jealousy then? Hating your body. Skipping Christmas. Wishing you could wear tights in front of a guy who does yoga?
Congratulations Nicole, you may not be the thinnest.
But you sure are the mopeyist.
When has this site ever been about nutrition? LOL! :D
And PS when I start singing “I like my elbow” like does our hip hop artist @ beautiful struggle, then you can call me pro Ana. Until then, shut the fuck up and appreciate my renewed plan for food and exercise discipline for earning back my yoga body… and to look fabulous for Yoga Man. Mwah!
Why do you have to go from LOL to “Shut the Fuck Up?”
Singing “I like my elbow” doesn’t make you a Pro-Ana site.
But promoting restriction, publicizing your calorie intake, comments with restriction “tips” and fatshaming people by saying things like “Fat as fuck. 125 pounds” certainly do.
Your blog used to be about strength and nourishment but now it’s just a sad Lifetime Movie about a girl who wishes she were anorexic.
In the words of Regina George, “Stop trying to make “fetch” happen.”
When did long, lean, and strong become anorexic?
You people make me laugh so hard. Your commentary makes for a fab lifetime film.
NicoleAndGwendolyn, on the other hand? We’re for the silver screen, baby. ;)
Eat less exercise more.
Sounds like one of those silly Kate Spade tshirt slogans. ;) xo
This occurred to me earlier today, and I could be completely off, but what if yoga currently has bad/awkward memories for you, or brings out some anxiety because of the pressure you are putting on yourself to get back on the mat ASAP? What if there is an activity that you can try that is mindful, and cardio-intensive, other than yoga? Now, don’t laugh, because I’ve also considered trying this: Dragon boat racing! My sister actually mentioned this to me earlier in the year. There are, of course, teams in Pittsburgh (with all the rivers there :): http://www.steelcitydragons.org/
Again, it is just a suggestion, and you may have no interest at all, but maybe doing something other than yoga, for the moment, might be the ticket?
No. I have taken a 1 year, two month, 14 day break from yoga.
That is enough.
I am now starting from scratch.
I am a yogi.
I shall no longer sacrifice my practice, my love, because of negative occurrences of the past.
And you are adorable. :)
Hmmm…according to the time stamps, only 5 minutes elapsed between Casandra posting that dragon boat suggestion and your utter rejection of it. Given that she is your “big sister” or is it “older sister”… Shouldn’t you at least give it more credence than the sh*t which all of us trolls type in here? Oh no wait…Mama Cass’s primary function is attack and not making suggestion. Probably a wise choice on your part given the relevance of dragon boating to the general discussion in these threads. She’s so much better at yapping at all us bad ole blue meanies.
I make quick decisions.
Sounds like you are having yummy food for a Vegan. I love me General Tso’s and fried rice and an egg roll… followed by a nap!!!
1st of all you are not fat!! 2nd of all you are gorgeous!! IF it is love that you shall seek than you have to decide for yourself how long am I going to keep making excuses for not finding Love. You can’t find your Love Actually (Love that movie) if you keep sitting at home, Mr. Right can’t see you from across the and wander over all so coy and shy after hours of building up courage and ask if you would like a glass of wine or a martini now can he!!
I just went to the store and bought 8 beers and am making a Pizza with Pepperoni and Sausage. I have no WHole Wheat Flour in my house so its straight up good old fashion fatty Pizza and it tastes yummy!! I have been stressed all day, I planned a styling event tomorrow and I still have nobody to do hair and 1 of my makeup artists had a family emergency and can’t make it so I had to reshuffle my Business Lunch an hour earlier and change the starting time by an hour because my makeup artist who I do have has to work at 5 and she will be doing all 4 models now and rushing off to work. I threw a major fit when my mother sent me my Christmas Presents and they were all Work Out Clothing in Size XXL. I know I have a Santa Belly but lets be serious I am not nor have I ever been or will ever be a XXL!! Am I too feel offended or should I say allowed to feel offended by this??!! I think so since every time we talk she is so concerned about my weight. I get exercise when the weather permits and eventually when the $$ permits I will find an awesome gym again like I had when I lived in Greensburg.
I hope I didn’t ramble too much and you think about what I said!! You are not fat and you are beautiful, always remember that. Putting on a few pounds isn’t the end of the world, trust me I know about putting on more than a couple pounds!! I hopefully will see you and Gwen walking through town when I am on my bike one sunny afternoon!
Dear Matthew, as articulated yesterday at my facebook page…
“Sucks that your parents critique your weight. Big time. But you can’t allow that to bother you. And any man who wants me? He shall want me for the body which I perceive as perfection. I shall not settle for a man who doesn’t hold me accountable for my own personal requirements.”
This, of course, was in reply to your, “IF you can’t accept it from others how are you going to accept it for yourself? It sounds like You are never going to be satisfied with yourself so why keep beating yourself up over a few pounds!! Mr. Right isn’t concerned about your weight, Trust Me!! I don’t know what you have been through with regards to your eating disorder but I know how it feels to have parents constantly critique my weight!!”
Again, I appreciate your civilian contribution to this discussion, but I shall not engage you on this topic any further because a civilian shall never understand a mafian; and we will just make each other angry going back and forth.
As far as exercising goes, I find running and weights at the gym to be the most fun for me. I’ve started to run without music, and I actually am able to use that time to reflect and just have some zen time. I bet yoga is like that for you, so perhaps just make that a mandatory part of your day again :). In the end, exercise is exercise, so you should do whatever is the most fun for you.
You are one little wise tator tot. Thank you for this comment. Adore it. And you!
I just ROLL and EMBRACE it! I also like wearing pretty, sexy underthings to make me feel BEAUTIFUL from the inside out. I also hit the gym at least 2 to 3 times a week and find what I enjoy so it does not feel like a chore and work. Sometimes just going in to have my hair cut makes me feel special – a little pampering goes a long way. Sometimes I just say screw it and have red wine and chocolate for dinner. Sometimes I just tell myself I have it GOING ON and I am one SEXY – itch!
Red wine and chocolate for dinner sounds divine!!!
So does white wine and vegan cheddar (block version by Daiya).
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
You’re being a dumbass.
If you starve yourself, you will want to binge. As evidenced by this blog article. Not eating enough has made you binge.
You know this. EVERYBODY knows this.
This process will never make you happy with your body.
Why are you being so stupid?
This is what E.D. recovery usually looks like:
1. Skinny and disordered
2. ‘Recovery’ begins -forced/choose/driven to eat
3. Gain weight. Body is fucked up and clings to every calorie. Likely to binge eat while you figure your shit out.
4a. Repeat the above cycle
OR
4b. Eat like a normal person. Weight settles within the normal range. With regular exercise body can become toned and healthy looking. This is a painfully slow process. Eventually food stops being so important in your life. Your brain and heart can focus on more meaningful topics.
You can choose to keep creating unnecessary drama or you can choose 4b.
Use your brain!
Hahaha!
Not a binge by any sort.
Read: Crossing the Border by nicole marie story.
But thanks so much for the ED counsel. I mean, I wasn’t a bulimic for 11.5 years or anything. ;)
How the hell do you gain over 20 pounds, while exercising daily, without SIGNIFICANTLY over-eating!?! Call it what you will. . .
Muscle burns fat.
No yoga = no muscle.
UM, if your ‘reasoning’ was true, you would weigh LESS, not more. Muscle weighs MORE than fat.
No yoga – flab, but same weight. Or less, unless energy intake far exceeds requirements.
That means you had to overeat by 92 040 calories to gain that 20 pounds.
Yikes. If that’s not bingeing…
When I’m not mobile, I’ll reply with my formal definition of bingeing, as it relates to me. Totally subjective and individual. Furthermore, the science of my body is more than proven over 15 years of fluctuating from 89 pounds to 171. So don’t tell me how my body reacts to changes unless you are my body which you are not. Mwah.
That’s 252 calories per day for one year. Done easily.
Here’s my definition of bingeing: Crossing the Border. Next time, before critiquing me at my blog, understand MY philosophy. And show some respect. Thanks! ;)
I have come to the conclusion reading this that it’s the blog of a schoolgirl, perhaps aged 14, who is playing a joke on her readers? The voice of the writer is that of a very immature adolescent, contrary, ego still far bigger than brains, captivated by her own intelligence while in reality is strikingly ignorant…
I came, I got bored, and I left. Not a good blog at all. Yuck. I feel dirty now.
Merci beaucoup for honouring a 14-year-old with a comment and obsessive readership. Pedaphyle?
How can a 30 year old not spell Paedophile?
Lol! I’ve never written or read it before. So I sounded it out. ;) 31 in a little over a month, bia! Whatcha buying for moi? ;) xo
Big thanks to whoever recommended The Londoner. I’ve had a lot of fun looking through it and seeing some of my old haunts. Not to mention great fashion!
Just wanted to say…
ALAN RICKMAN, DEAR GOD, I WILL HAVE YOUR BABIES!!!!
That is all.
Oh my God! I would even agree to carrying a baby if it meant doing the dirty with that man. ;)
I’m a successful woman, in this fast-paced world, and I have my body. It gets fat sometimes, and I whine a bit about it, maybe try to avoid fried junk for a while, but then I kind of don’t worry so much about it. I’m happy the way I am. The scales can sway a little here or there, it only makes a small amount of difference to me – my dietary changes don’t really last, since I anyway try to eat healthy all the time. As long as my body doesn’t become suddenly very huge, signaling that there is something wrong health-wise, I let it be.
So far, I haven’t had reason to resort to anything for any reason other than to up my stamina, keep my body strong and healthy. Which, according to me, can be independent of the size you wear. :)
I have always been a good size, though not always as thin as I am right now. It has never really mattered to me that much, because you can look good in a bigger size too :)
I suppose this is the difference between the Mafia and a Civilian? :P
Precisely.
Your final sentence is the perfect conclusion to your comment.
My mind cannot even fathom thinking in the manner that you’ve described.
I do like to think that you are eating for energy or for fuel. Sounds like you’d definitely fit in well at my cousin’s juicing bar. I only fit in well at my own bar at home. The one that serves gin. :) xo