Disclaimer: I was ‘recovered’ for two years, after almost 10 years of b*llshit.
Bullsh*t. The symptoms were tamed but the root was never solved.
After sending Nicole a first draft, she wanted to know, “Why do you purge?” Simple question. Not a very simple answer. How does a healthy, happy, aspiring opera singer, one with amazing friends and family, spiral downward so drastically, right to the very bottom?
I always want to burst out laughing when I tell people even the minute details of what I have been going through. The response is always something like “Really!? I never would have known! You seem so happy and healthy and I thought things were going amazingly well!” And then I think to myself a couple things: Yep! I’m getting away with murder! So it almost justifies my self sabotage.
The drinking.
Anything it takes to maintain the facade people seem to like. And then I feel fraudulent. And pathetic.
Women and men who are thin, have good jobs, exercise, and look put together, are perceived by the rest of the world as though they are in control of their lives (whether it is a facade or not) and they most certainly get treated differently. Most people want to be in the company of those that are put together and in control. And if you’re in shape/thin and pretty then that must mean you’re in control and it also must mean you’re HAPPY. People also generally want to associate with happy people. Believe me. Looking like you’re staying in ‘shape’ means you have ‘control’ over your dietary and exercise habits which in turn probably means you have control over everything else in your life. Being able to exercise and eat well is a privilege. When a person comes across as though they have their life under control, and things are going great, then others are drawn to that. Who doesn’t want to be envied, or looked up to? Who doesn’t want to be desired or sought after?
My entire professional background and personal interests are based on being an entertainer. I’ve always been in the spotlight, the face of a company, a voice on stage. From acting and singing, to selling wine, hosting wine tours and wine parties, to hospitality management and food and beverage direction to high end residential property management. You better BELIEVE I better look like I have my sh*t together. Unfortunately, especially as a young girl, what others thought/think about me (Fashion, complexion, who I dated, what I was going to do with my life, my teeth, how good I sang) was immensely important. Having that approval. Being a big fish in a small pond. Being approved of, desired, and coming across as extremely put together so that I get treated well has always been important to me.
So when I started to question my career choices after my junior year of college, I started to diet and exercise. I got braces, too. It all started there. I was addicted to looking good. My relationship with my long term college boyfriend failed, and I stopped singing. But I looked better than ever. Because looking good made me feel good and that got me places I never imagined I would be. I was becoming a different version of myself. A fraud.
I’ve been scared that if I do not purge I’ll be back to that old Sarah that I just saw so much physical flaw in. Funny thing is she was an amazing singer, was ridiculously more social and laid back, and she was healthy. Healthy and HAPPY. I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in 6 months. Last time I went without one for 6 /7 years. The bingeing and the purging started up again innocently enough around Halloween. And the weight started dropping off again. And I felt lighter, daintier, prettier. I know there were better ways to keep the weight off. But I also knew what most definitely worked.
So I suppose I purge because I am scared of getting to that ‘REAL’ place again. Where I have to deal with the real effects of my diet, my running, and my wine drinking. Reality without the comforts of drinking and bingeing and purging scare the living sh*t out of me. It has now become an ingrained habit. Like a robot. Every day. But it’s catching up to me. Big time.
Moving back to Boston, I started packing on the pounds again. But I was happy. My focus was shifted on my new amazing job and new relationship. And I was healthy again.
But I started to feel uncomfortable with myself. With my new healthier weight. And it just kept climbing!
My trip to Aruba in November of 2011 was the LAST straw. I had to get this weight off so I could start feeling ‘better’.
Progressively I have been feeling shittier and shittier. The slate isn’t as consistently clean anymore. Do you know what I mean? I’m bloated, and tired, and hung-over. But, like a robot, I get myself out that fucking door to run my four miles every single morning, get home, shower, apply my make-up with shaky hands, make my unsatisfying rice cake, almond butter and banana breakfast even though I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of money at Whole Foods for so many other more what I am sure would be much more satisfying, healthy breakfasts; and Groundhog Day begins.
I promised myself I would stop with the caffeine, too. It doesn’t help with my anxiety and propensity to have panic attacks. But I love coffee and make some anyway, despite my desire to cool it on the caffeine. Why not just get decaf beans next time, Sarah? I make it in my French press with this gorgeous coffee I just ground at Whole Foods. It was a new blend too tempting and deliciously aromatic to pass up. I’m a fucking adult, and if everyone else can have coffee, so can I! Then I wait, and the anxiety kicks in. GREAT. Tomorrow I’m switching to decaf, DEFINITELY decaf. I just love the taste of coffee so the caffeine doesn’t matter anyway, right? Especially considering I hate the way it makes me feel. The only thing that will calm me down now at the end of the day is a glass of wine. I’m a fucking adult. If everyone else can have a happy hour, then I deserve one, too! I’m an adult, and I have control. Right? Don’t I?
After I have that glass (sometimes even at work these days), I usually go out for more… or make sure I go home for more.
And then I go food shopping. I’m a fucking adult and want to make a nice dinner for myself, and I can handle being alone. But I buy so much. Just in case, you know? Just in case I’ll ‘need’ it. And then I go home and ‘relax’. I’m a fucking adult, run every single day (over 200+ day running streak now. Zero pain. Energy ebbs and flows) and eat well throughout the day so I deserve something I have deprived myself of. And then I make SO much of it… enough for ‘leftovers’, open up the next or third bottle even, pile my plate high…. then tell myself ‘this is the way I need to cope right now… it will go away… it’s the last time…. you deserve this…. it’s so fun so pleasurable and exciting to eat all this fucking delicious food and to be able to get rid of it… and then you can have MORE… make those cookies and maybe have those bagels you bought that you never would normally have bought with that expensive goat cheese and raspberry jam; OHHHHH and butter, too…. god the butter and the warm bread and cheese…… the rest is usually a blur and I wake up and it starts all over again. Each day the wine is more, the binge is more…. the foggy brain, the shaky hands…. it’s all just getting worse.
It amazes me how much wine I drink every single night and yet I still preform really, really well on race days.
For me it is habitual. This physical, robotic ritual. A cycle. When I am not alone, I don’t even have the desire to binge. Not one bit. What gives? Whether I have been drinking or not. When I am alone, I only have the desire to binge if I have been drinking. And lately, I have been drinking JUST so I can let loose to have that feeling to binge. Drinking to justify a binge. And do you want to know what is just so utterly hilarious and ironic? I ABHOR the feeling of being drunk. Because I abhor the feeling of not having control. Heh. It is so scary to be afraid of yourself. I sometimes feel as though I am watching it all happen before my eyes with zero control.
That aside. I actually do really like myself! And I WANT to weigh a bit more. I’m just scared of the reality of it all. So if I want to stop, and have a normal healthy life, then why in the FUCK do I self sabotage!? I am the queen of engaging in activities that offer rewards. And lately I have been indulging in them ALL. Shopping excessively, buying scratch tickets, running, drinking, and bingeing and purging. There is a root problem here to it all. Not one different solution to each and every one of those issues. There is one ROOT.
I’m just so MAD at myself. I have a great job, fabulous friends and a very supportive and loving family. Yet I am killing myself slowly even though I don’t want to die. (I mean, fucking duh, LOL) I want to get married and have kids some day. I thank the universe every day for my best friend, sister Samantha. She is my saving grace and dose of sanity. She is three years younger but totally takes care of ME. I hope that someday I will be able to play the role of older sister, the role I was ‘designed’ for. She is getting married to an amazing man in September and I couldn’t be happier. Yes, I am envious; but we all follow different paths.
Interestingly Nicole has told me that her martinis help her to relax (of course!) and in being uninhibited she LOSES the desire to binge. For me, I relax and lose all inhibition, too; but it has the complete opposite effect on me. Does this mean Nicole truly wants to be healthy, and when she is uninhibited her deepest desire is to be healthy without bingeing and purging and therefore stays strong? And for me, when my inhibition is lost, I just delve deeper into finding comfort and joy in food and self sabotage because I am not at peace with myself?
Oh, and I am scared as SHIT. I’m petrified of all these changes ahead of me. I know, I know… one day/step at a time. I can only handle tackling one thing at a time.
Why can’t this be the real healthy happy me?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011 – 2013.
Thank you for being so open. Your words are making me think about some things in my life. Some are very uncomfortable but that’s a good thing.
Totally of subject but did you use any particular program to start running or were you one of the lucky ones that could just “Forrest Gump” it?
As I mentioned on Facebook, I am very intrigued at how Sarah will reply to this comment! Just a few moments ago, when taking the dogs for their 3:45am “I want to go outside” walk, I reminisced of those early Bulimic days (1999 – 2003) when I’d run outside, in the middle of the night, in the frigid cold, snow falling upon my face… just so that people couldn’t see my fat. And then I thought, “Fuck, Sarah does this every morning at 6am! Her poor body!” … I was very grateful for My Kitchen Yoga at that exact moment because it’s so much kinder in terms of heat. And for me, it does the trick with the body. I want to learn more from you, Vera! Very intrigued!
Nicole, being kind to my body is something I am not skilled at haha I love the euphoric high I get from intense cardio activity. It is a spiritual and mental release for me. I WISH I loved yoga. I like it but over the past few years it has been difficult for me because I get really really dizzy in any position where my head is upside down. I’m very rigid and have zero grace… yoga has always frustrated me haha I have only ever done hot yoga… and I have extremely low blood pressure. I wonder if the combination of the two is the culprit?
Hot yoga sucks.
Meditational yoga sucks.
You need Kitchen Yoga, aka Cardio Yoga.
I’ll be doing my videos again shortly, and I’ll expect that you shall subscribe. ;)
I most CERTAINLY will haha Curious why you don;t like hot yoga?? Aside from any upside down poses, I LOVE the heat!
Hi Vera! I figured that being brutally honest with myself and others is a good honest first step towards stopping this awful behavior. Honestly always is the #1 best option in the end. And it can be extremely uncomfortable to reveal and to hear from others. But we ALL deal with secret shit that we don’t tell others or are embarrassed to admit perhaps. However large or small it may be. When I first broke the cycle a few years back I didn’t do it for myself. I think it happened by default. I HAD to stop because I was living with a man when I moved to Tucson (this is when I was 26. I’ll be 31 next month) that obviously wouldn’t put up with it. Slowly over time the urges went away. My quirky eating habits still stuck around but I wasn’t bingeing and purging. But again, it wasn’t out of self love/discovery that I stopped.
Back in those days and when I wasn’t bingeing and purging I didn’t run… in fact I wasn’t sure if I could even run a mile. I walked a LOT however. I thought that was enough to keep the wight off if I wasn’t purging. I gained a tiny bit which scared me… I had a few instances where I relapsed but nothing that stuck. But I was absolutely miserable and I could see all my old OCD excessive, addictive behaviors creeping back up. I ended up leaving the guy I was dating (because he seriously has a black soul hahaha god that was a nightmare of a relationship) and my old bingeing and purging habits began again. Then I met a new guy, got a new apartment, an amazing ne job, and a new car and suddenly my focus was entirely shifted. I even started running. This is back in March 2010. I cold barely run 2 miles without feeling like I was going to die haha but I kept with it, suffered some pretty nasty injuries along the way but for the past year and a half I have run every singe day in a row without pain or injury. I think there may be three days sprinkled in there where I skipped a run but only because I had a race the next day ;) I just subscribe to intuitive running. I listen to my body and while do do some speed and hill work I let my legs take me as far and as fast as they want to.
Have you ever broken up with a guy because you felt that he took away from your exercise time? I have done just that. In fact, I calculate it into my decision on whether or not I’ll date a fellow. Is this partially why you left Tucson guy? And Andrew? So curious!
Hahaha My schedule is IMMENSELY important to me as well. I am very very strict about it. I can tell after a few dates if our time schedules would mesh or no and it’s ‘next’! If they don’t. The schedules Tucson guy (actually his name is Forrest… oh man I could go on and f*ucking on here haha) and Andrew were non invasive to mine. What I did like about both relationships is I basically did what I wanted WHEN I wanted and they catered mostly to my schedule. I’m not saying that’s right, but that’s how I work, and if a man wants to be in a relationship with me, well then that is just a rigid quirk they’ll have to get over.
This is a very revealing post. Thank you for sharing. It’s a lot to think about.
More than ED, I wonder about your drinking. I work as a nurse in an inpatient addiction facility and I guess I just hope that if you ever decide to quit cold turkey that you would do it under a doctor’s supervision.
And so you know, you are very pretty.
This is, for sure, an interesting topic! Sarah and I have similar drinking habits, and I have no intention of ever quitting. But, if I do, I foresee, just like with Bulimia, that I could simply turn off the switch. I’m very black and white. Why do you foresee this as a problem, that is, doing so without doctor’s supervision? (because I know that I would not see a doctor, ha ha).
Sudden cessation from large amounts of alcohol for an extended length of time can cause delirium tremens (to include visual, tactile and auditory hallucinations, the shakes, etc) and potentially seizures. It can be dangerous. Some people withdrawal sans problem while others not so much, so it makes my over-vigilant self feel better if everyone did it with a doctor’s supervision.
I just arrived to my overnight commission, realising that I brought my gin, olives, and vermouth. But I forgot my fucking martini shaker and martini ingredient measuring cup!!! My heart started racing! The client does not have a martini shaker! OMG. But I improvised… says moi, martini in hand. :) … I think that my drinking situation is different than an “alcoholic.” For instance, at the magistrate’s office yesterday, a man was contesting his DUI; yet he was DRUNK. I think that is someone who would have issue with quitting cold turkey. Me? I can go a day or two without drinking. During Christmas, I hardly drank because I worked around the clock for a fortnight. So although I drink a ton, I have no qualms about not drinking, if it doesn’t suit the day or hour. So I for one shall never use a “doctor” but totally understand of why others would do such. Sarah, what would you do?
You’re very sweet and very right Maria. It can be extremely dangerous! I don;t exhibit any of the symptoms when I haven;t been drinking or if I take a night off (thank god) but some people are more susceptible than others. Especially those that have, um, been drinking lkke 2 liters of vodka night for ten years straight. But it is extremely responsible of you to understand the dangers sudden cessation poses to ANY regular drinker because we are all biochemically different.
Thanks Maria! You are too sweet :D Yes, I understand the dangers of alcohol withdrawal. It is the most dangerous kind. I had a night last week and didn’t drink. I was VERY scared of experiencing alcohol withdrawal symptoms, and while I felt like sh*t I was perfectly fine after having dinner with my sister, and a good nights rest. Thankfully I rarely ever drink hard liquor. Again, I abhor the feeling of being drunk and it has only been the past few months where I have been on the verge. My stress and anxiety levels have just been getting worse and worse and all my bad ‘coping’ mechanisms have too… spending too much money, drinking more, drinking diet soda with aspartame, chewing tons of gum, coffee, and bingeing and purging… it all makes me feel kind of like a rebel I guess? haha
Nicole, i envy your ability to quick cold turkey! Unfortunately I have an extremely addictive personality and literally have difficulty saying NO to myself. It’s like there are two of me haha Seriously. It is for this reason and because I experience (especially as of late) extreme highs and lows (though my lows aren’t crazy low like suicide or anything lol so you don;t have to worry about that) that my doctor thinks I may be bipolar… which would explain a LOT.
Yes! But I do not believe in ‘bi-polarity’ because I do not believe in ‘mental illness’. I think it’s all a lame excuse for being a fuck up. But, for me, the cold turkey lifestyle fits well with my perfectionist personality. I WANT to be perfect at everything, so I shall be perfect at quitting Bulimia. And I have been such. I might be a fat fuck, but I don’t binge and purge. That’s the most important thing to me. I am an extremist like you, and I just apply my extremism to my quitting of Bulimia. Do that, too! Just don’t get fat! :D
I really like the idea of switching the focus. I AM an extremest that is for sure… and THE most important thing for me now is STOPPING the bingeing and purging. I suppose I have just been getting lost within myself…. so unsatisfied at my job… so many things that have created this fogginess. I definitely do not feel like myself.
You say its all one root of a problem. Earlier on you write this; “It is so scary to be afraid of yourself”.
Maybe thats the root…?
I don’t think she’s specifically afraid of herself, but rather of the damage that she’s doing to that who she is. She knows that any bit of flossing and mouth washing is NOT going to stop that bacteria from getting into her gums and to her heart. She knows that she’s putting herself at risk for a heart attack and cirrhosis of the liver. But at the present, it works. I don’t think that persons who lives rationally can be afraid of themselves. Sounds make believe to me.
I think I disagree with you there on some level. In her story, and also in the replies to your comments, it seems as if she’s afraid to be alone, and I think that says something. It’s not the being-alone thing, it’s the fact you only have yourself and your thoughts. If, even when alone, you feel you need a drink to relax, there’s something going on up in that jumbled brain that needs reassuring, and in the end, it’s not a glass (or bottle) of wine (or gin) that will fix that. I get it though, believe me I do. I drank (solo) for about a year every day (not just night!) as well. That’s why I think I understand the ‘being afraid of yourself’-feeling, which is not lit. being afraid of yourself, but it is being afraid of dealing with the thoughts/emotions/changes going on within. (I hope that didnt sound spiritual, because I am nothing of that sort!)
“is not lit. being afraid of yourself, but it is being afraid of dealing with the thoughts/emotions/changes going on within. (I hope that didn’t sound spiritual, because I am nothing of that sort!)”
Exactly. It’s dealing with MYSELF. I haven;t thought much about the being alone Pierce beyond the LITERAL sense. Being with others is a distraction from myself. Perhaps, as I have stated before, it is learning to be at peace with MYSELF. One thing running has taught me is how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. That was huge for me.
I think both drinking as well as bingeing (as well as exercising btw) are ways to keep your mind off of… your root, to use your word. They keep you occupied, from digging deeper.
Oh I would love to find a way to be at peace with myself, like you mention. I think thát would be getting to the roots of things for sure!
OH! No worries whatsoever! It did not sound spiritual in the least! It simply sounded passionate, which I love! For me, being alone is the only option. I am not alone in the dog sense, of course. But I am ‘alone’ in the general human being sense. And I’m totally 100% happy with that state of being. SO, I am not curious about how you stopped drinking alone (what, when why, or how)… I am more so interested in the “why” did you stop drinking alone? Please tell us!
I don’t necessarily ‘don’t drink alone’ anymore, I just don’t do it all day/every day anymore, nor do I do it because ‘it’s the only way’ anymore. If only I knew how to do that with bingeing though, because honestly, I think during the past months, that has come to replace the drinking (?!)
I suppose I’m scared of what the ‘real’ Sarah will be like, physically, after bulimia… will I be able to maintain staying in shape while eating normally, running, and drinking? I want to tone down the drinking and I want to stop the bingeing and purging but why CAN”T I? That is scary to me.
Just for peace of mind Nicole, I just saw my doctor a few days ago. My heart is fine, and my blood work came back pristine (aside from slight anemia but I have been anemic pretty much my entire life) Hearing this was both a blessing and a curse I think.
Why are we so frightened at the prospect of drinking less? This is precisely why I do more gin than wine – seems to work better for my body.
Perhaps I should switch to Gin then? haha I think it is for a few reasons. The ritual, the act of drinking and the aesthetic appeal behind wine/martini drinking is classy and elegant. The act alone aside from the alcohol is relaxing…. why SHOULD it be forbidden? If you tell yourself that you cannot have something for whatever reason that would perhaps imply that we do not have control over it. I thrive when I feel ‘in control’ and by denying myself something would suggest I cannot control it. I can control the amount I drink but I’m not going to forbid myself wine at the end of the day. I’m half Italian, it’s in my blood haha ;) After a glass of wine, my other inhibitions, positive ones come out too! Like my wit and charm lol If I keep it to a few glasses I just feel more social, I get out there, make connections. So another reason I am frightened by the prospect of not drinking is because I don;t want to lead a boring, introverted life! haha Plus, I literally drink wine for a living. So unless I want to go broke, I gotta keep up with my wine drinking skills… moderately of course ;)
Yes!!! I am charming, too, when drinking! Write drunk. Edit sober:)
At my work we tout AA and secretly, it makes me cringe. You are either drinking your life away or you are spending your entire life in meetings and “working the steps.” Neither seem like a way to live. But for some, it’s so hard to “just have one” and then stop. It seems like a vicious cycle. Sarah, when you say ” If you tell yourself that you cannot have something for whatever reason that would perhaps imply that we do not have control over it. I thrive when I feel ‘in control’ and by denying myself something would suggest I cannot control it” that really strikes me. I often stick a bottle of wine in the fridge because it seemed like a good idea at the store and it just sits there for weeks because I change my mind. It seems there’s never a good time to be buzzed–I thrive on the control, too. I’ve done a lot of stupid things under the influence, so I’m turned off by it unless I’m in the company of others who will look out for me. However, it kind of hurts my feelings when I’ve been told “The drunk Maria is so much fun!” or “Drunk Maria is so smart!”
Anyway, I was rambling. I just wanted to say I think the contrast is interesting.
SO incredibly interesting. That you thrive off the control of just leaving it there… and I thrive off the control of allowing myself to have it (as long as I do not get drunk)… of course, as of late, it has certainly been OUT of control but in the past decade or so I have always been in control and moderate.
Sarah, How does your success scale formulate? If you awaken with a mindful calorie consumption level, are you less or more inclined to stick to that level, based upon your preset standards? Or, if you’ve already selected Whole Food’s vegan general tsos chicken for breakfast, do you fuck it all up? It being the whole day? Does success or failure trigger your brain, like it does mine?
Because I have SO much control… that I am happy and at peace with during the day, I never have issues during the day. I strive for a certain amount of calories per breakfast and lunch (never over 400-500 with a balance of protein and fat.. typically lower carb) and then when dinner rolls around my NORMAL self eats a ton of roasted vegetables, salad with an abundance of condiments, a and a delicious protein like roasted turkey, tempeh bacon, a veggie burger, turkey burger, sliced turkey with mashed avocado on a rice cake, egg whites, grass fed beef or lamb, cottage cheese…(sometimes sardines for the calcium and omega 3′s! haha gross but so good)… the normal me will switches it up at restaurants but as of late… I always f*ck up at dinner. I drink, chose something indulgent that s STILL healthy (freaking sprouted grain pizza for christ’s sake or tofu noodles with oat cheese and tempeh crumbles) but because it is outside the ‘norm’ I freak out and say F it… I’ve already F’d up might as well have all the things I’ve been wanting to have in a normal manner. When I was dating Andrew, who had extremely normal eating habits, I was okay with those nights… more than okay. But now that I’m alone it is like I need to maintain this facade, this physique in order to attract a man that is worthy lol
Can I just point out something you just wrote?
“Andrew, who had extremely normal eating habits”
OMG! OMG! Seriously! Only we, as in, disordered eaters and self-acclaimed-fuck-ups (WHICH YOU ARE NOT, you are NOT a fuck up but you treat yourself as though you are!) would say something like ‘extremely normal eating habits’. What does that even mean?!
Oh and the ‘all out b/c I fucked up anyway?’. So disordered. So stupid. So me as well
Yes!!! I couldn’t agree more. ‘Normal’ and ‘disordered’ are subjective. I, for one, do not associate with the ‘disordered’ term. When I binged and purged? Yes. But even that process is normal for some. The DSM is a crock.
I suppose I see ‘normal’ as not obsessive. Being intuitive around food and eating a balance of healthy and indulgent and not feeling GUILTY about it. I understand what you mean though about the subjectivity behind the words ‘normal’ and ‘disordered’. I suppose I should have said his habits were balanced and being around a balanced, non-obsessive approach was very helpful for me.
Very good answer!
Yes, at this blog, the words of ‘normal’ and ‘disordered’ are highly scrutinised!
Oh! And the vitals. Congrats!!! The curse is understandable!!! “I can BP ferociously, and my heart can take it.” Sucks big time. My rule of thumb: don’t challenge the heart, whether it be physically or emotionally. If nothing else is treated peacefully, let it be the heart. <3
“If nothing else is treated peacefully, let it be the heart. <3" This just spoke to mine. This is so true, physically and emotionally. I have a tendency to disassociate my mind and body. My grandmother constantly reminds me that we only have one body so treat it like a temple… I feel like I have let her down :/
Bonjour, mademoiselle. You know that your article speaks directly to my heart as I, too, become addicted to things such as shopping, drinking, exercising, bla bla bla. And, for 11 years, it was bingeing and purging, too. As I wrote in My Autobiography,
“I do not believe that modern-defined ‘eating disorders’ such as Bulimia, Anorexia, Binge Eating, and EDNOS are ‘mental’ disorders. There rather exists root issues to odd eating patterns, a presence catalysing the disordered eating, a presence for which formal Psychological Help could perhaps be useful although I have yet to personally verify this worth.
“The root of my eating complications, I believe, are Paranoia and Perfectionism. I am paranoid at the prospect of not being perfect. To me, the Vogue body is perfect, thus I have always sought it, intensely so; and I expect that I always shall. For a long time, I executed this seeking, accompanied by Bulimia, until my dog saved my life. I am now stationed at two years and three months into a healthy existence. Even still, despite the absence of Bulimia, perfectionism applies. I do everything passionately. Intensely.
“Disordered eating is a physical response to something mental. It alone cannot be resolved with Psychological Help. One must successfully implement a system of cold turkey to excel. The individual must act and therefore manage the physically debilitating behaviours, or else that individual shall become a Frankenstein product of psychological medical mongers, of the socialists of society.”
SO, I think that we (you and I) have VERY similar personalities, and what works for me is this: I learnt to use my BAD habits for the GOOD. My perfectionism? I use that with my blog. Most of my commentary happens in the middle of the night whilst the United States is sleeping. I am 100% dedicated. I use my perfectionism with my Canine Sophisticate business. I provide champagne care. I am better than any other company performing the same service. I use my perfectionism with mothering my dog. I use my perfectionism with being a passionate friend. And by using ALL of my time, I do not have time to binge/purge, to shop excessively, to hurt myself.
A person cannot change a root. If the root is changed, then the product is something entirely different. We are not babies. We exist in our 30s, and we cannot undo 30 years of deoxyribose nucleic acid. But we can use those 30 years to do something fabulous.
I think that perhaps you are not 100% super happy with your professional career. That was my problem. I had a fucking fabulous income, during the bulimic years, but what was it doing for me? It made me miserable. Each day was spent racing against a bogus sales quota, thinking about that end-of-work drink. I could drink away the pain from the day. The day ended at 5pm, so I had lots of time on my hands. I could drink away the being a puppet on stage from that day. I fucking HATED it. And then nine days short of three months of being bulimic free? I said sayo-fuckin-nara to Corporate America.
What will make you happy? And how do you get it?
“For a long time, I executed this seeking, accompanied by Bulimia, until my dog saved my life. I am now stationed at two years and three months into a healthy existence. Even still, despite the absence of Bulimia, perfectionism applies. I do everything passionately. Intensely.” However you seek it, as long as you’re healthy, matters most.
For me It is also about perfection and also control and power. Because I have an addictive personality my loss of control over certain things and fear of lack of perfection just happened to manifest itself into an eating disorder. It could have been drugs or another addiction perhaps. I love food, so I abused it to cope but I wasn’t going to let it get the best of me.
I love the idea of implementing a system to quit cold turkey so that new, healthier habits eventually become the addiction. It is a rewiring that needs to occur here. I do plan on seeng a psychiatrist however I’ve never done too well inn therapy… I’m not very trusting! haha I mean F’ing DUH I know how to eat well, I know how to exercise, I know what is good and bad for me and that bingeing and purging is killing me. I know all the dangers and potential rewards of a clean, healthier lifestyle behind the scenes. But how to I physically force myself to relearn these habits. Build a new system and actually stick to it? It’s like as soon as the sun goes down and and happy hour begins all aspirations to have a clean healthy night go right out the window… unless I’m not alone lol
THIS!: “And by using ALL of my time, I do not have time to binge/purge, to shop excessively, to hurt myself.” I love this. this is what I often think about. How to occupy more of my time in a productive manner that will shift my focus. I have a wine business idea that has a lot of potential. Similar to what I’m doing now. I’ll email you about it! I think it will be helpful for me :)
“A person cannot change a root. If the root is changed, then the product is something entirely different. We are not babies. We exist in our 30s, and we cannot undo 30 years of deoxyribose nucleic acid. But we can use those 30 years to do something fabulous.” You’re so very right here. We cannot change the past. only learn from it and USE it for the now and future possibilities. Have you ever read the book ‘The Power of Now’?? Singers often will read it because of how important being in the moment is for musicians while in a performance. Once you start thinking to much about what your doing you lose the now, your flow… and will probably f*ck up haha It is a GREAT book for anyone and everyone :)
And you are 100% correct about my career. I make very very good money. I have an amazing boss, health insurance, a sweet parking spot in Boston, and an office to myself. I know I am very lucky but I am going F’ing CRAZY sitting at a desk. I feel like ever since I took this job 2 years ago my stress levels have just been increasing. I am most certainly NOT a desk person. I get so antsy and irritable. I feel like I am wasting my time… wasting away. I’m not doing anything productive for myself or others really. I’m just a body sitting down all alone in an office getting paid really well to be there. But I am 100% miserable.
I need a new job.
I think you do not need a new job. You need a business!!!!!!!!! What do you want to own? And own it!
I have not read the book which you’ve mentioned. I just read three books, over and over again… Ayn Rand’s ‘Atlas Shrugged’, Gary Vaynerchuk’s ‘CrushIt’ (taught me how to blog), Oscar Wilde’s ‘Dorian Grey’, and Charlotte Bronte’s ‘Jane Eyre’. But I just bought, ‘The Myth of Mental Illness’ by Thomas Szasz and ‘Wuthering Heights’ by Emily Bronte. So I am branching out. Ha ha. Will add your book to my list.
I am VERY interested in ‘The Myth of Mental Illness’! Really curious about what you think. I’ll send you my copy of ‘The Power of Now’. It is very, very powerful ;)
Ohhh la la!
I shall send you my Myth of Mental Illness when I’m finished reading.
Wow, this girl is awesome (and gorgeous!). Why do we women who have it all self-sabotage? I can relate to most of this post minus the excessive drinking. Drinking is not a daily thing for me, but I do indulge from time to time. But everything else is spot-the-fuck on. Image is huge (but not fat, haha). It is a really weird thing to be happy, actually happy with your life, yet still manage to self-sabotage. Even if it’s only once in a while. Also, I can completely relate to cessating due to living with someone. Roommates, whether they are your friends, boyfriends, brothers, children, whatever, have had a big impact on my “control”. I wouldn’t dare let them see me when I’m in the zone, that goes for when I’m working, too. But leave me alone for a little while and all hell can break loose pretty quickly. It also changes things when you share a bank account with someone, that’ll quickly stop you from going to three different places for lunch! Anyways, we are great actresses, no? Good post.
Thank you for your kind words! I think that when men and woman ‘have it all’ tend to have TOO much, and excessive over abundance of things. And for me that gets overwhelming. But men and woman that ‘have it all’ don;t want to lose it all. Most highly functioning, Type-A people tend to have self destructive habits… retail therapy, drinking therapy, eating therapy, to cope with the pressure the constant need for perfectionism imposes on us.
I do have roommates BTW. Two amazing roommates. But I hide it pretty well :( We have a large place and I would never dare take anyone’s food or let anyone see me in that zone. It’s when I’m not alone SHARING time with family, friends, or a date that i just won’t.
” But leave me alone for a little while and all hell can break loose pretty quickly.” Yup! lol It’s like I’m FREEEE! Time to get all wild and crazy now! lol
Great actresses yes… but I’m sick of acting. I just want to be the real me. I’ll never stop being a type-A quirky eating perfectionist but I want to own that withOUT bingeing and purging.
Spot the fuck on, indeed.
Everything that you’ve written here resonates with me, bbff.
I’ll email you offline about a recent happening which you might find interesting.
I don’t want GOMI to tear it apart, so I’m not mentioning it here.
xo
“Looking like you’re staying in ‘shape’ means you have ‘control’ over your dietary and exercise habits which in turn probably means you have control over everything else in your life.”
I have to say, I personally find this to be an incredibly flawed assumption- although on some level, you understand that – but if taken as a basis or inspiration for living your life, I don’t know if it gets you where you want to go exactly. In my years of life, I’ve found myself wondering if the ideal of extreme “control” in some aspects of life is instead a front that’s covering up a lack of control. Some people pick their body as that example of perfection while others chose some other thing to stick with.
I have a sister whose slim body is utter contrast to the anorexia and other emotional issues going on inside of her body. She doesn’t eat, feeling deprived of the human connections she wishes she could have and so she seeks to physically manifest that by depriving herself of what she feels to be an equivalent amount of food.
I have a cousin who wanted to be a model and no diet, exercise regime, laxative legal or even illegal drugs was beyond the realm of possibility to reach that ideal model body. Nearly having a body part amputated after injuring herself when running from the police wasn’t enough to stop the behavior.
I had a dad who was doing quite well in his job, on the fast track up the management ladder until he was fired, arrested for being a child molester and died from cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 41, all within a 5 year period.
I have a mom who, when growing up, wanted the house constantly in a state of perfection, looking as if no one lived in it. With an alcoholic child molester as a father, I knew that was simply a front to cover the actions of the people within.
I have an aunt who becomes so angry at people for not doing exactly what she wants, she cuts people off. Even her own daughter when she’s pregnant with her first child, because the child’s name would not be something grandma approved of.
I’ve known women who look slim, but after spending time with them, I understand their dedication to small portions is another manifestation of their OCD tendencies as they stand on a street corner, waiting for someone else to show up, paralyzed because they are too frightened to touch the crossing signal button due to potential contamination. Or that their physical perfection was accompanied by vomiting, disease or genetics.
Instead, I see many of these things as instances of wanting to exert absolute control in an effort to hide other issues. It’s a distraction. If I don’t see some instances of relinquishing control, I suspect there’s much more of the story that I’m not getting information about. As part of the natural world, we never have complete control. We live at the mercy of nature. We can pretend we have utter control over nature, but at some point, we have to admit there’s some aspects that are out of our hands. In time, giving up control can feel somewhat liberating as it frees you and your mind to pursue the things you do reasonably have control over.
I appreciate you for sharing your story here and I hope you can find comfort and support in ways that you need to feel better going forward.
““Looking like you’re staying in ‘shape’ means you have ‘control’ over your dietary and exercise habits which in turn probably means you have control over everything else in your life.” I have to say, I personally find this to be an incredibly flawed assumption”
YES! I should have wrote, “When you like you’re staying in ‘shape’ you are generally perceived by the outside world as having ‘control’ over your dietary and exercise habits which in turn probably means you have control over everything else in your life.” Like judging a book by its cover… people don;t know what it TRULY takes to look that way… unless they are somehow allowed to turn the pages and what’s really going on.
“the ideal of extreme “control” in some aspects of life is instead a front that’s covering up a lack of control. Some people pick their body as that example of perfection while others chose some other thing to stick with.”
YUP! When some people, generally perfectionists, type-A personalities, obsessive compulsive disordered people, addictive personalities, that set high standards for themselves lose control of something, we over-compensate by transferring that loss to something we CAN control. How we look and what we eat is one of those things (finances asides… eating disorders to a degree I believe is a ‘privileged’ disorder) And yes, and can manifest itself in many ways, that lack of control, in order to maintain balance. Some habits we develop are of course healthier in the long run than others. I wish I had got back into singing… like fully immersed myself in it. Or I wish I had started running before I developed binge purge :/
Asserting absolute control over some aspect of your life, to the extreme, is most certainly a distraction. For me it is a distraction from reality. We cannot change the past but the now scares the living sh*t out of me. Letting go of my habits, though self destructive they are strangely comforting, scares me. I have an IMMENSELY difficult time these days just letting go, letting loose, being spontaneous… when those moments do occur, they feel AMAZING… and I try to remember how that feels when I am faced with having the decision to let go or hang on to my old ways.
The descriptions of your family members and the ins and outs of why they do what they do is really fascinating. It just reiterates the fact that what we see on the outside isn’t exactly the whole story. I’m so sorry about your father :/
Thank you SO much for your food for thought :D
Wow. Thank you for sharing this, M. I am so sorry to read that your father suffered so much. xo
I think sharing your story here and putting it all out there is incredibly brave.
I agree with your thought that all of the addictive/self destructive probably come from the same place-sort of the way that Nicole talks about eating disorders are just the outward physical manifestation of something mental.
I also agree that until you get to the root of the actual issue you’ll just keep masking things and swapping one addiction for another (I’ve seen that close several times sadly).
Do you have any thought what your root is (if that’s too personal don’t feel like you need to answer it)?
Hello! Happy Friday :D Ah yes, the grande addiction swap… I too am very familiar with this. It can however be a very POSITIVE swap… like taking up running instead of booze for example. A healthy reward swap.
I believe my behavior is literally now just so chemical/physical that the ‘root’ will be more difficult to solve. What I am sure of now is that I am not at peace with myself and what I am doing in the world. I am not happy yet I always aspire to seem incredibly happy, put together, and in control… and people believe me haha Though it is wearing on me. There is a void in my life where I’m not doing anything creative anymore. I’m not acting or singing… I feel like I am in a waiting room… twiddling my thumbs at a desk tot accomplishing anything for myself or anyone else. I think this is a good starting point.
I feel you about wanting to make a career switch to something more creative, I did that myself in the last few years and although it’s a challenge I am very glad that I did!
Since you say the root is, in your opinion chemical are you taking or are you considering medication?
I generally think that medications are over prescribed but people that I know who truly have a chemical imbalance have found remarkable relief on the correct medications.
Obviously I don’t know you and can’t advise you personally but it maybe worth talking to your dr about.
I 100% agree about medication, especially for chemical imbalances/mental illness are WAY over prescribed and I am generally against taking anything EVER. Taking Aleve and a multi are like as far as I’ll go haha But honestly, I cannot handle these ups and downs anymore. It is becoming extremely debilitating. I cannot afford to not be 100% at my job and I cannot mentally afford to not pursue a new job/own business. So I am open and willing to take something to help me regain that mental balance again.
I cannot wait to see your creative side flourish again!!!
I see you as an art gallery girl, like Charlotte York. :)
Sarah – I did want to comment. I had to read your article a few times across a couple of days to absorb all of its richness, depth, and complexity. OMG, aren’t we humans complicated. :( And somehow the struggles and distress you describe make me, make us, be fond of you even more. I know you will find some answers, and some peace, at some point. Hang in there. Any new day is, well, a new canvas. Have hope every morning. You can change your mind in one second, and that will change your entire behavior and experience. It only takes one second to change your mind about something or someone. It took me one second to decide one day (3rd Friday of May, back in 2002) to stop starving after 18 excruciating and painful years.
You are a wonderful being.
Francoise
I shall celebrate every third Friday of May, for the rest of my life!
I hope that you shall celebrate the fourth of July, for the rest of yours. :)
What shall be Sarah’s fab day? :)
Francoise, thank you SO much for your powerful response. I truly truly appreciate your kind and supportive words. I hope that one day SOON I’ll be able to add a date for all three of us to celebrate :)
The Urge To Consume. We have been marketed to from birth.
We stink from every orifice. We are too fat, too skinny, our skin is not airbrushed, our hair is bad, our moods suck, we will never be fuckable enough. But just in case we *are* then OMG what a slut! Women’s magazines: you’re too fat, too ugly, don’t know how to get a man and oh have some goddamn recipes!!!
grrrrrr
sing sing sing!!!!!!!
LOL!
How quickly one can go from fat fuck to slut.
Isn’t that hilarious!
You make me laugh so hard, Yasha!!!
xo
Hahahaha love this! So true!
perfect, this is so true!!
Wow! There’s so much to this post. Thanks for sharing. I’m really looking forward to reading more!
Thank you for your feedback on Sarah’s piece!
So happy that you liked it! :)
A lot of this post makes sense to me…aside from the title. I think ‘Fraudulent’ implies that you are deliberately deceiving others by virtue of your appearance, whereas I believe society simply has these associations between ‘thin’ and ‘in control’ – just because you live your life by (or perhaps in fear of?) said associations, it does not make you a deceitful person. Your searing honesty is evident simply by virtue of this post.
I must admit I have wondered how you’d dropped so much weight quite quickly – that alongside your running streak caused a lot of jealous feelings to surface. Anyway, I have to thank you for being one of the few people to say that being so thin isn’t easy. I always, always think that thin people ‘have it together’ – I don’t care about their make-up, hair, clothes, any of that, but if someone is thin I think that 1.) It’s easy and effortless for them and 2.) They’re simply these perfect people who forget to eat lunch, or find food an inconvenience. I experience a constant battle not to gain weight every day, and I find it upsetting that for so many others, being that perfect example of control inwardly and outwardly seems so natural. However, it is refreshing to see that not everyone who is so thin gets there by the simple means of ‘just not eating’ – the human condition is so much more complex than that, and many of us need reminding of this point.
Interestingly I always associated being uber-thin as a cry of ‘I’m not okay!’ I wanted my appearance to reflect my fragile psychological condition. And the sadness I experience was treated a lot more seriously when I was thin because I looked delicate, not a greedy fatso eating her emotions. So perhaps thinness does exude control and perfection to a point, but below a certain level it also becomes a reflection of the turmoil within, a sort of physical manifestation of…controlled chaos, almost?
xxx
Jess, You and I think SO much alike! I told Sarah just the other day that when I began reading her blog in the beginning, I thought, “I’m thinner than her.” And then I watched the weight drop, and I knew something was up.
Lady Georgiana also pointed out, in a private email to me, the issue with “fraudulence” as the title. My reply?
“I think that she is performing fraud unto herself. She tells herself that she’s healthy and ‘recovered’ from bulimia when she is not. It never even occurred to me that she could be interpreting ‘fraudulent’ to be in relation to other people. I’m just that stringent in my thinking, ha ha!”
What do you think of that? Is she being fraudulent to herself? Could that be what she meant?
“They’re simply these perfect people who forget to eat lunch, or find food an inconvenience.” Don’t we wish?? haha But I have to think, we are all just human and have SOME sort of relationship with food. I don;t think there is that ‘perfect’ person out there that just ‘forgets’ to eat lunch and sees food as an inconvenience. What makes me feel deceitful, and fraudulent is when I get complimented on my weight or my healthy eating habits because they don’t know it all goes out the window at night. On top of those compliments making me feel fraudulent, it also makes me feel guilty, and embarrassed, and gluttonous.
I completely agree that there is a level of thiness that goes beyond beng perceived as healthy and in control, where the turmoil within becomes such a transparent cry for help. I was there for a long time and the transparent cries for help that my body and lifestyle exuded put my family and friends through living hell. That really kills me the most :( I would never want my pain and struggles to hurt anyone else… but unfortunately when you’re loved you cannot stop people from being affected.
Ah, I believe I understand the post’s title a little more now. I really do empathise with the comments about your weight/health – long ago when I erred more towards the restriction end of the spectrum I had people begging me for me ‘secret’ to losing weight, saying that I was so fit, such a fantastic role-model etc. At the time I hadn’t started running but I was always at the gym for about 2 hours per day…towards the end I couldn’t cycle for more than ten minutes on the recumbant bike without having to stop. I could barely walk a circuit of my local park. I wasn’t fit or healthy at all, yet everyone assumed I was just because I was very thin (I don’t have pics of that time or they’d have been on my blog – let’s just say I was 10lbs lighter than even the thinnest pics of my on there when I could still run).
Those comments always freaked me out – I was terrified of screwing up and then people thinking I was greedy/had let myself go by gaining weight. I did get those comments at the gym last year but for some reason they died off even though I gained even more than when they first started. I do feel very much a fraud though, being at the gym so much yet being so much heavier than people who spend hardly any time there. I know everyone’s thinking that I must be an absolute pig for eating back the 1000s of calories I am burning there daily, even though that isn’t the case and my body is just a broken piece of crap.
I wish I didn’t hurt my family too :( In many ways I’d prefer that they hate me as much as I hate myself. I couldn’t care less what happens to me compared to how upset my family gets – frankly the only reason I haven’t jumped in front of a train at this point is because I know it would destroy my parents.
xxx
Thank you for sharing, Sarah. Goodness, I can understand that as a singer, being together is important and how it happens. ou have the most gorgeous smile by the way, which totally reminds me of a dear friend. It’s hard for me to say anything, being a ‘civvie’ other than I really do hope, pray and care that you do manage to lead the life the way you want to. You deserve to. x
THANK you. Singers always had it rough in music school. There are SO many talented classical singers out there and what gives you an edge is your appearance, of course. Gone are the days of the fat ladies in viking hats (though that was only Wagner but you know what I mean ;) ) Unfortunately though, when you get too thin, you lose your appoggio, your breath…. and end up overcompensating and killing the voice. It was very depressing for me to not be able to sing anymore. I lived and breathed singing for such a long time. It consumed me. And when I lost my singing. I lost myself.
Yes, it’s horrid the way so much depends on appearance as a singer and there’s always someone waiting in the wings – or another 100 singers! (FYI, I LOATHE Wagner- I spent a weekend playing 3rd flute for Gottedamerung and I was in the utter doldrums by the end- it’s so dull for the flute section!! Overture to Meistersingers isn’t too bad though!). I remember when Katherine Jenkins got her big break- I worked at the musical educational establishment that she’d been at and I remember many senior people being very surprised that she, of all the past pupils had got a huge deal, because she wasn’t regarded as one of the best graduate singers of her era (there were always ‘stars’) however, she does have ‘the look’ (apart from seeming really sweet as well)
Find your singing, keep that as an aim! I’d love to hear you!x
Sarah, you are beautiful! I admire that you’re able to be so open.
So much here has me thinking, the swapping of one behavior for another…
Drinking for me as well accelerates the cycle and your description of groundhog day – quite apt. Certainly I hear echos of my own thoughts as well as insights I’d not considered, so thank you!!
Nicole, I love that you’ve opened your blog up to guest posts. Great idea and I look forward to reading more about the experiences of others on this journey…
First off… pugs are the BEST! aren’t they!? I had a pug named Artie who was my my little buddy. I ended up having to give him to an aunt (who just loves him to pieces… she has another dog named Spanky loll) when I switched jobs. Pugs need so much love and attention and with my work schedule it just wasn’t fair to him. I miss my little snorter!
Addiction swaps are classic and can be either very effective and healthy… or worse lol With my addictive personality a swap is the way to go… Running worked for awhile… but I would like to sing again, delve into something entirely. I need to be consumed entirely by someting creative that moves my soul. The first step is: NEW JOB. I am SO lucky to have the job/boss/salary that I do but it is literally slowly killing me.
And thank you so much for your kind words!
Do you have any idea why you continue to do this? The chaotic, self-destructive stuff? I think you need to explore that in whatever way works for you.
haha The reason why I have been so upfront and honest with it all is because I DON’T want to continue. Every part of my being is sick and tired of it all. Opening up and having that accountability to friends and family is a huge first step.
Sarah, I am floored by your honesty and your bravery in being able to share this part of yourself. It’s an interesting way to look at addiction. I feel as though I may have been cut from a similar cloth. I used to have “issues with food” but, when I started drinking I was able to trade one addition for another. I’d pat myself on the back for being able to drink hard one night and then go out for a long run the next morning. I’ve raced half and full marathons after boozing it up the night before. I’d also get off on the fact that I was able to hide my addiction so well.
My life has changed in the last few years. I became pregnant and I stopped drinking during my pregnancy. Once my son was born I couldn’t go back to the way I was drinking before because I was breastfeeding and I also had a baby to take care of. Drinking to the point of excess made me feel extremely guilty.
I hope you are able to get back to a place where you don’t feel fraudulent. It’s hard to break patterns especially ones that can feel so good in the moment.