Awakening this morning to the irregular presence of Flow, I moaned and moaned and moaned and moaned. Please, ask my mother. She’ll confirm my state of distress. Whining to her on the telephone, she replied, in absolute laughter, “You did this at age 12! You walked around like a duck, wearing your first sanitary pad! You are so dramatic!” And she continued laughing. As funny as the story sounded, I could not muster a chuckle, as my legs cramped too badly.
As I wasted $10 on a bottle of Aleve liquid gels (Aleve because it’s the only product to ever help my cramped legs during menstruation; gels because they’re the prettiest version)…
And another $10 on U tampons by Kotex because they’re the prettiest style…
I realised that I must walk 34.2 minutes with one dog, to pay for this bill, one that did not exist last year because I was thinner (If I Could Menstruate, by Nicole Marie Story). Whilst contending with this agonising pain, my head retorted, “Just a few more months until it’s gone for good. Just a few more months until your state of Amenorrhea returns. Deal with it, for just a tad longer.”
To most, that would be disordered thinking, I am certain. But to me? It is my way of thinking. Along similar lines, the lovely Coffee Addict Greta recently announced that she has returned to a state of controlled restriction (Recovery Issues. The Part that Sucks). She does not fancy the manner in which her physical body presently exists, so she’s taken action. Yet she interprets her action as failure in “recovery.” My comment to Greta was this:
Bonjour! As we both very well know, our philosophies are super different. I don’t believe that recovery exists; you do. I believe that bulimia can be switched off; you believe it’s a process, involving the mind. You involve your emotions with the situation; I do not. If I did not know you, I would counsel you to toughen the fuck up. To grow a thicker skin (not fatter, ha ha). To accept that you might overexercise, eat more, eat less, etcetera, from time to time… but I know that’s not right for you. I know that you’d rather a hug which I shan’t offer either. I will rather send you photographs of Gwendolyn sandwiches… and this…
“Recovery” to me, means “perfection.” I am a perfectionist, so if I am “better”/”recovered” then I am “perfect.” Because there is no other option. So in addition to everything that I disbelieve about “mental illness” I do not think that eating or things related to body size management can ever be “perfect.” Therefore a person is not recovered (if I believed in mental illness in the first place, so we are speaking hypothetically here). Even when a girl is eating dead on balls accurate, exercising moderately, and not allowing consumption and expenditure to dictate her life… she shall still tweak something. She shall cut her apple differently on Tuesday. She shall skip lunch because of meetings, secretly commending herself for the accidental restriction. She shall run harder and faster than the girl next to her at the gym. Does that mean she is not recovered? No. It means she’s vibrant!
Someone like you, someone like me, is inclined to dwell on all of that. The apple. The missed lunch. The gym competition. Because EDs were so much a part of our lives for so long, we relate everything to it, in the back of our minds. And your recovery expectations, I believe, shall drive you bonkers.
For me, so long as I’m not bingeing and purging, I am not bulimic; and I am therefore wonderful. Each day after the binge purge concludes is a gorgeous changing situation. Everyone gains weight. Everyone loses weight. Everyone thinks about it. Those of us in The Bulimic Mafia just need to be mindful that our bodies are gorgeous machines. ONE system. Rationally speaking, our eating patterns and habits are a component of the system. They do not act alone. They act together. One does not dictate the other. Our bodies are a free democracy, and we must pledge allegiance to it.
You are not eating disordered if your eating and activities are normal, to YOU. What is recovery for you? Tell me the formal definition. Do your habits compromise your quality of life? Is it disordered when you work endlessly on a gorgeous fashion spread? Are you a workaholic? No. Your perfectionist tendencies affect everything in your life. So don’t allow the hang-up on the body to make you feel any less gorgeous. You don’t binge and purge anymore. You are not bulimic. Use your perfectionist energies for the good. And you’re doing just that with your pretty blog.
You are vibrant!
And vibrant she is. One of the prettiest people that I’ve ever been privileged to call ‘friend’, she is smart, fashionable, and kind. We’ve butted heads on our philosophies for so long; but I think that time has told that our individual, ever-changing experiences in life after Bulimia can help people to figure wonderful plans, creating their own binge-purge free lives. So I appreciate Greta’s honesty in feeling that she’s taken a step back, as of recently; when in reality, she has not, in my opinion. She is simply responding to that which she desires: a thinner body. Not anorexia. But rather a body that she can feel proud to strut up and down the streets of Paris.
A disorder brings one to ruin. A disorder is NOT something that is different from the majority. Uniqueness is not disordered. Unique thinking is not disordered. Simply because one experiences thoughts concerning body and food that one experienced during the height of Anorexia and or Bulimia does not dictate that one is a failure at maintaining good health. It simply means that only so much can be thought about the body. Who doesn’t assess their body as being fat or thin? Who doesn’t tweak their diet in response to displeasure with one’s physical self? Greta darling, you’re out of the trenches. And you’re a veteran now. The memories shall remain, but you’re not dead anymore. You’re alive, and you inspire me every single day. Fuck your idea of recovery.
What is your disorder?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011 – 2013.
I’m so sorry you are having those bad days, as I hate them more than anything in life. I’m always like a walking corpse and gluttonous as well.
And you’re making me blush as you think too highly of me.
Also I appreciate your thoughts on my present state. You are on spot about that ACTIONS speak louder than words. The fact is I’ve lost weight. And it was a conscious action even though not planned. I think my brain is screwed enough to make the body to behave in that direction. Also I quote from one of my replies that the truth is – despite anything I will not ever “allow myself to be a huge fat blimp” (As Miss Pistachio calls that state) I just don’t see it ever happening. So does it mean I will never recover? This is what’s bothering me. I’ve stated many times, recovery for me means cleanness – of body and mind. It does mean no binging or purging, but it doesn’t mean not indulging into some chocolate from time to time.. Being aware. And I thought I managed that perfectly until I began slipping the opposite direction and losing weight.
I think that many can fully recover from an eating disorder. I just don’t how realistic it is to claim that I can. I’m just scared that that I will be in recovery for the rest of my life. I guess it doesn’t mean that I’m imprisoned by an eating disorder and am actively using symptoms. It simply means there is some level of daily maintenance to sustain long-term recovery. And be happy, I guess?
Greta, You are one little lady who works so damn hard for happiness. I don’t think that everyone deserves happiness. It is earned, just like with money, just like with material things. And you, my friend, have freaking earned it. I won’t lie that I’m not envious of your weight loss; but I am NOT envious of the mental distress that it’s created for you. I think for the next decade or so, you and I will both be adventuring to find our happy places. Right now, this Raw with Benefits diet is SO it for me. Let’s please share in this process together. Conversing with you intelligently on ED-related items is better therapy than I could ever imagine receiving from a ‘professional.’ You and I are the professionals. And lots of young (and old) girls are reading our stuff. So let’s work hard for us and for them. The end. :) xo
Oh, please don’t be jealous of that weigh loss. I will put it right back on especially after some stressful days I’ve been having lately. Yesterday I had chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner (to be more specific – instead of them) This morning I feel fat and so not fabulous. Ah, screw it. Today is the new day.
Thank you for your reply, and don’t overwork yourself!
Overwork is the only option.
I am an addict to everything. :)
Just say fuck it today, and love what the mirror presents.
Or at least try:)
Thank you, I needed that!
:)
Be careful what you wish for my lovely fellow puggie lover ;) I’ve been amenorrheic now for nearly 8 years and my bones have seriously gone to shit. I have osteoporosis in my hips and spine as a direct result of no periods. Oestrogen is needed for bone protection. I don’t care if I never have children, but I do care about having the bones of an 80yr old at the age of 27. I used to be ecstatic by the fact that I didn’t bleed. Not having to worry about periods/hormones/pads/tampons/moods/back pain/migraines/feeling like i’m going to die every single month was utter bliss. I became used to not having a period. It just became the norm. It wasn’t until I went into treatment and had bone scans etc that I found out the damage that I’d done. I used to wish for my periods to go and never return. My wish came true. Now all I want is for it to come back…early onset menopause is not a cool label to have. xo
Oh, damn. Oh, double freaking damn. My fellow puggie lover! I am so sad that your body exists in this state of pain. Ugh. Reading your comment (and getting text message counsel from Françoise) has made me committed to maintaining my Flow by nourishing whilst reducing my weight. I promise you that. You’ve shared something very personal, and I shall put it to good use. Thank you from my heart. xo
I’m glad to hear that you’re trying to take a healthier approach.
I have to say the last few posts made me a little worried. I know that you want to have a long healthy and active life filled friends and your wonderful work with dogs and you need to give your body nourishment in order to do that.
PS there was some talk of Burberry on the blog last week, did you see the coverage of their show today?
Sadly, I did not see any coverage on Burberry or any other fabulous designer! I have been working 24×7, ignoring everything newsworthy (even my fave blogs)! My podcasts are interesting, though – Small Business Big Marketing, Vegetarian Food for Thought, The American Entrepreneur (he was also my professor!), and my French Rosetta Stone! I’m pretty boring. :) Please fill me in on Burberry, if you have a few spare minutes! I’m simply mad that I must buy new sunglasses. Such a waste of $!
Here’s teh link, I thought some of the coats were really nice. I also have can’t help but enjoy the sheer skirt with the heart printed retro underwear underneath! http://www.style.com/fashionshows/review/F2013RTW-BURBERRY
Getting rid of periods was possibly the primary driving factor in my ability to lose weight rapidly when I was fourteen. It took me almost a year but I dropped four stone, and the periods went after three of them. The joke your Mum made just about broke my heart because I remember walking like that too, feeling absolutely disgusted with myself, experiencing nausea from the sheer indignity of it all. Now, I had ridiculous periods when I first started them because, as I later found out, I had PCOS so they were fourteen to twenty days long and so heavy I’d go through a box of tampons in a day (I refused to wear sanitary towels because they felt like nappies to me. Also, I was really hoping at that point I’d just get Toxic Shock Syndrome and die).
Even ahead of the bullying about my weight, the disgust of having to buy a gross clothes size and being about as fit as Homer Simpson, I wanted control back from my repulsive body and at the time I damn well got it. M is right that no periods = bone density shot to sh*t, but the sheer distress periods caused me made the tradeoff worth it (for me) – I never want children so I don’t give two hoots about that. It does terrify me every time I run though, because I know my bones are basically made of tissue paper.
When I had surgery for my ovarian tumour I wanted *everything* taken out. I never wanted periods, the possibility of them, and most of all the possibility of being able to have children. Lucky for me those possibilities are all very low, but I wanted them to be impossible. The surgeon clearly thought I was insane – he may have been right but dammit I didn’t want even 1/8th of a stupid ovary left. It worries me every day that those vile things will return because I’m so fat, despite all my exercise and the fact that I still have a messed up hormonal profile with very low oestrogen.
I have many disorders. Some, like my reaction to periods, may be seen as disordered but I couldn’t care less. I abhor body fat (not mass or bulk, just fat), I hate other people touching me (even in a platonic way) and it’s taken me years to get over that so I can even hug a friend without having an anxiety attack (it’s because I believe I am too disgusting to be hugged and I don’t want to put anyone else through the horror of having to be in close contact with me), I have a huge fear of crowds and loud noises, again something that I’ve worked to (mostly) overcome. I’ve also being told my asexuality is a ‘disorder’ but frankly I think that’s the same as suggesting that being gay is an illness – I wish I could have certain ‘therapists’ struck off for sexual discrimination, as I’m sure they would be if they told someone the latter.
xxx
OMG. I love you! And I love you even more because of your comment. Fuck, Jessica! Although I moderated this yesterday, I hadn’t read it until just now. If I had, then you would have been contacted immediately!
“I refused to wear sanitary towels because they felt like nappies to me. Also, I was really hoping at that point I’d just get Toxic Shock Syndrome and die.”
Jesus Christ. I was just the opposite. Walking like a duck was something that I did to catalyse attention. I always wanted people to look at me. And Toxic Shock Syndrome? That was the reason for me NOT wearing tampons. Well, it was the excuse which then became my fixation. But the original reason was that it simply scared me to put something foreign into my body. The first time that I wore a tampon was age 18 when the period returned after two years of absence. I was a freshman at college, very very very Bulimic, gaining weight rapidly, from 110 to 171 at that point, and a fucking fatso. Pads didn’t fit into my tight and getting tighter pants. All of my money went to laxatives and binge food, so there was nothing left for pants. :)
xo
I am jealous of those who lost their periods. Being somewhat messed in the head as I am, I always felt it was a badge–like “wow, I can’t even menstruate anymore.” However, I have never lost my period. Not even now, at my lowest weight ever, which is really low.
Oh dahling! It just means that you have a fabulously functioning bod! Françoise never lost her period, even at her lowest anorexic weight. So don’t distress, mademoiselle. If you are tiny and menstruating, then it means, at least to me, that you are a highly functional person. What more could you want? :)
I have been thinking about that lately because I cant stop the bingin and purging and then extreme restricting cycle. Maybe that normal for me. I’ve done it since I was a teenager so maybe that s just who I am. I don’t have a period and I don’t care if my bones fall apart as long as I look thin now. I think you are right. Why is it bad that we want to be skinny? Thanks for making me feel like I can be skinny and be ok. You seem to be doing good and you barely eat so I like that you make that ok for yourself.
Seriously! Medical mongers try to make society believe that wanting thinness is bad, just so they can make a buck. But the body was intended to be thin. Bones covered with muscle covered with skin. Everything was intended to be lean and long. Not covered with a big fat mess of chub. Unfortunately, it’s easier for medical mongers to prey on those wanting thin because modern society lends itself to creating fat people (fast food, accessibility of processed rubbish, low cost of fatty foods, etcetera)… so it makes sense! How can medical mongers make $ from the fatties when the fatties are the majority? Gotta make it seem like the skinnies are in the wrong. So rebel against our socialistic society. Do for YOU. Not for big brother. And happiness you shall find. :)
Bulimia does not dictate that one is a failure at maintaining good health. I love that part. I want to keep reading it. I never can find someone who is older and knows more who actually thinks what I am doing is actually ok for ME. It’s about ME. I’d rather live for 23 years and be thin and tiny and skinny than be old and fat. I’m so with you. I’m going to read that 10 more x.
Dear Mandy,
Have you read Atlas Shrugged? If not, you must. It changed my life. It confirmed that thinking about ME before anyone else was okay. Until I read Atlas Shrugged, I felt lost in this sea of sameness. It is my Bible.
Thank you for reading and for commenting.
- Nicole:)
Well i am not jealous AT ALL of those who lose their period. I see mine as a badge of pride. I’ve never lost my period even during the 10 years that I stayed at less than 75 lb. OK now that is an oddity, I agree.
Yes i do bloat a little during my period and before, and I always have poorer body image issues during that time. But I find something way cooler in being skinny AND having your period than skinny and no period. Contrary to lots of opinions, i think that being skinny is the normal state of man, any man. Which is why most people want to be skinny. There’s balance in skinniness. Flexibility, agility, lightness, speed, etc. I’m not talking about emaciated and starved. I believe MOST women and men who are heavier or overly skinny are disordered. By that I mean assigning a certain power to food and becoming slave to it. Now I myself do feel disordered, because I tend to totally skip foods that I feel would make me gain weight, and I’m strict to an excess. II find it disordered and I feel slave to my way of thinking, for sure.
So Nicolette, rejoice that you have your period and whatever you do, make sure it does not go away. Being skinny is YOUR normal state, you should not have to starve yourself to get there. Think rightly (VERY IMPORTANT – what we think DETERMINES our experience) and do not overeat, and exercise and be active. I strongly believe that is all that is needed frankly.
I love you. Not fun feeling bloated, for sure. But it will go away quickly!
Francoise
I love you! And I love that you have contributed everything that you have, regarding this touchy topic!
Your comment has inspired and motivated me!
I must be 100% honest because I’ve had two martinis…
Regarding the motivation, your comment of, “Being skinny is YOUR normal state, you should not have to starve yourself to get there.” – It made my heart sink just a little that people are perceiving me as not skinny. I feel that it means that people are feeling bad for me. And I fucking hate that. People, meaning my friends. I feel that by becoming fat, I have disappointed my friends. And I am perceived as a loser with regard to my consumption and expenditure. But believe me, I will be back to myself sooner than later. Thank you for staying friends with me and for reading my blog, despite my ugliness. xo
“I feel that by becoming fat, I have disappointed my friends. And I am perceived as a loser with regard to my consumption and expenditure. But believe me, I will be back to myself sooner than later. ”
So not true Nicole. At least, those who truly want you to be happy and healthy won’t care what you look like or how much/how little you weigh. It seems cliche, but it is true.
Oh, this makes me sad. I’m not feeling sorry for you, I know you don’t like that, just aching that you are compelled to feel this way, because I’ve been there and it freaking feels like a horrible knot inside.
When I was at my heaviest, I could see the disappointment in my sister’s face when she looked at me and I felt she hated me. One night, years ago, we had a heart-to-heart, and she told me she was never giving me looks of disappointment because of my weight, she looked at me with sadness and frustration because she knew how sad I was feeling inside and there wasn’t anything she could do about it.
We all have something that we strive for that will make us happy, or what we think is the key to our happiness. We all have that goal that we chase down. Goals will also change over time, or suddenly, when we least expect it. We get bored, or our heart goes one way while the brain goes another, or something unimportant becomes more important. I’m not going to be one of those who tell you that health and relationships are more important than being skinny. I can’t tell you that. That is in your head right now and has been for a while. I know where you are coming from, and I can only offer support and non judgement.
Sorry to disappoint you little sister, but you’ll get no judgement from me ; D
Only the most perfect big sister in the whole wide world would have left such a comment. Only someone who totally gets me would write such a comment. You’ve simply floored me, yet again, without offending me. That’s hard to do, especially for a ‘civilian.’ The knot which you describe? I experience that every single fucking moment of the day (thank ‘god’ for winter coats and for my profession because I can hide some of it, making myself feel more comfortable). But otherwise? It’s judgement day. Every day. Until I am the best at being thin again. And I am working on it, very hard, in a healthy fashion. But that fucking knot. Yes. And I hate that you experienced it, too. Your sister story made my heart sink. The sister that I like (Stephanie), thinks just like me. So when we’re together, it’s like 2 knots because we both currently despise our bodies. And we’re both working on them. It’s nice that we can finally discuss it honestly with each other, though. That’s taken a long time. My blog’s helped because she can read my thoughts and relate. THank you for not pitying me… and thank you for not judging me. I love you! xo
I’m so glad you have Stephanie : )
xoxoxox
Me, too:)
Baby sister and big sister.
You are not ugly. The opposite. And you crave beauty, though you already have beauty. What I meant was, a lot of us, men, women, unconsciously use food to have fun, be lifted up, show that we belong, make friends, etc. If we only used food for what it is, and did not make a god of it or an instrument of pleasure, then we probably all would be skinny and lean without any problem to maintain our weights. I believe this is truly the normal state of man. Anyone who disagrees with this statement does not understand the power of mind (all power to mind, really), to dictate what the body will look like. There is no advantage in being heavy. Skinny lean is normal. But lots of us choose to disagree with that because it puts some responsibility on those of us who are not skinny lean. And see what happens? As soon as one decides that they will just use food as fuel, not pleasure, and nothing else, their weight slowly goes back down, and down, and down, until it settles where they were supposed to be in the 1st place. And that state is usually pretty lean. I have seen it happen over and over.
I am your friend and I will continue reading your blog. You matter a lot to me.
Bisous!
:)
Francoise
:)
I am your friend forever.
Your skinny friend, very soon.
I love you!
xoxoxoxoxo
So…you want your period to stop, because you feel fat when you have it? Because it’s a sign of fat? And you don’t think that anyone’s thinking is disordered, as long as it’s what makes them happy…is that all correct?
I don’t feel anything.
I only am.
And I don’t care about other people.
Only me.
It’s obvious you only care about yourself after reading your responses to the comments above.
“Man – every man – is an end in himself, not the means to the ends of others. He must exist for his own sake, neither sacrificing himself to others nor sacrificing others to himself. The pursuit of his own rational self-interest and of his own happiness is the highest moral purpose of his life.” – Ayn Rand.
You poor girl. Your face looks like a Poor Pitiful Pearl doll. I hope you feel better. It must be awful to have such horrible cramps that you had to write two posts about just how much pain you were in. I cant imagine what you are going through. You even had to show your sad, sad, pained face and sleepy face to prove it.
Of all the pain and struggle in this world you managed to face it head on by buying pretty tampons and calling your mummy. Get well soon delicate swan. It must be très difficile to be the only woman on Eart with her monthly burden.
Thank you for describing me as a Pearl doll.
I assume that Pearl dolls have never been fat. :)
LOL! You should google before you assume anything.
I am happy that my comment produced such a laughy laughy reaction in you. :)
Oh sweetheart…I wish I knew what to say. I am glad that you seem to have revised your approach to this situation a little after reading some comments from your friends. Being so thin that a girl does not have her period is not, in ANY definition of the words, “normal” or “healthy”. One’s body is not properly functioning and it has major adverse side effects and consequences to one’s health to maintain that state. It is, by definition, unhealthy. How is someone’s bone health not far, far, FAR more important than being needlessly ridiculously thin? I am having a very difficult time understanding how this thinking is not disordered (v. “to derange the physical or mental health or functions of.”) as it is clearly damaging the normal functions of your body and health. I am trying very, very hard to understand. I know you will say it is not disordered as it is what is considered normal “to you”, but it is damaging your health and it is not healthy for ANYONE to WANT to damage their health. That is the exact opposite of what a healthy means. I really hope that this apparent change in your thoughts about Flow are genuine. Please share your thoughts about what I’ve said as I very much care about you and this subject.
My tests check out marvelously when I’m not menstruating for extended periods of time. When I did menstruate under bulimic conditions, the period was no indication of health bc everything about my bod was fucked up. I care about you, too, but honestly, your expression seems dramatic to me. It’s my body and so long as it looks as I please then I am healthy regardless if my bones are falling apart (which has never been the case). When I read your comment, I see an annoying lobbyist for Obamacare… a flying flag socialist definitions and conditions. Drives me bonkers. But I respect your opinion. Just don’t tell me that mine is wrong. Because that is.
You’re healthy even if your bones are falling apart due to your own negligence of your body’s needs? Also, just because very real, permanent damage hasn’t happened to you yet is no indication that you are invincible and it cannot happen to you in the future. Someone who has been smoking (actively damaging their health) for 5 years is likely not going to have the same lung damage as someone who has been smoking for 30 years, but it is still actively damaging that person’s lungs (even if they don’t yet have cancer and pass all screenings for it) and the potential to develop cancer is still very real.
I am not trying to back up an opinion. I’m attempting to state scientifically proven fact to try and show that there is another side to this. If you are displeased with the definition of a word, you oughtn’t use it.
I am sure you have noticed that I am less and less active on your blog. It’s VERY hard to read some of the things you write and know full well that I am not allowed to try and say what I really think for fear that you will hate me. You despise anyone with a strong difference in thought. (A mild difference is acceptable, a strong difference is not.) With this, we have a strong difference in thought.
I am sorry if you hate me because I genuinely care about you and felt it impossible to keep quiet any longer. I will no longer state my thoughts here.
There’s no hate whatsoever. Just annoyance. But thanks for expressing your opinion, as always.
When did you have your last bone mineral densitometry test?
In the past.