As we rode up there, I knew I would decline their offer of asylum.
In my last contribution I let you all have a look at the physical repercussions of my affliction. For all the bravery that was ascribed to me for doing that, I am in fact a very cowardice person. Because as my body changed, I allowed life to halter. Basically I stopped working, stopped exercising, stopped seeing friends, stopped cleaning, stopped caring for myself, stopped doing everything that made me me, because I feel I’m just too fat. I can’t deal with second-guessing what goes on behind people’s faces who have last seen me 40 pounds ago. Going to the supermarket for binge foods and walking my dog are the only two things that can lure me out of the house. And therapy. I have known my therapist since the age of 15 and I really respect and trust her, as I feel she respects and trusts me. Because these last months I have been trapped in a downward spiral and I have indicated several times that I just didn’t believe anymore that I could turn things around for myself, she has suggested hospitalization. At first I rejected any such idea, but after the holidays, being unable to let 2013 ring in a fresh dose of strength and courage, I finally agreed to go and have a conversation at the place where I spent almost a year (two hospitalizations of 6 months) when I was young.
Frankly, I had loved it there. Sure I cried, fought and rebelled along the way, but looking back now mainly the good memories have lingered. Yes, everyone was sad, but everyone was hugging and praying for a healthy tomorrow. I felt safe and didn’t long for anything more. When I was 15, although I had some friends “on the outside” too, it was the first time I managed to make friends without too much complications and have fun. When I was 16, I got my first kiss, first boyfriend (the memory of blocking the elevator mid-floor just to have a private place for a make-out session still makes me blush), first heartbreak (yeah, he broke up with me): experiences I could never imagine having “on the outside”. There were movie nights, soirees, a swimming pool, a fitness room…
It’s funny, I can’t really recall the psychotherapy, the scheduled eating (but mind you, I always ended up there when the bingeing was out of control, so I was always relieved some form of control was implemented and restored) and all the other stuff I was actually there for. I can only recall the friendships that seemed so profound at the time, the feeling of not being alone and the laughter, because yes, there was a lot of laughter. Rationally I know it wasn’t all rainbows, lollipops and sunshine. I know there were a lot of tears as well. The second time I was there, the bingeing continued, I attempted suicide and I rebelled like the little teenage shit I was against the staff. They eventually asked me to leave.
I have been hospitalized at two other places since then. The last time was as recently as last year, when I started decompressing psychologically when my therapist had to cancel our sessions in order for her to battle cancer – but then I only stayed 5 days. I was always the asking party. With the exception of first time, throughout my periods in the loony bin, the bingeing continued. A few weeks after returning home, the few lessons I did pick up on, were once again forgotten. Being in hospital never was the starting point for health in my case. When I finally broke the binge and restrict cycle for 6 years at the age of 20, I hadn’t set foot in a mental facility for over two years. (The years between my 20th and 26th birthday I deemed myself “recovered”, I still freaked out like hell about being fat, but every woman does, right? More importantly, I didn’t let eating or not eating stand in the way of functioning and living a rewarding life).
There are many reasons why I binge. One of the more important ones has always been that it prevents me from actually having to perform. I need to be perfect. I’ll never be perfect. I sometimes think I could have it all, if sometimes a plain “good enough” could do. Bingeing is my way of throwing my hands up in the air and giving up before even trying, therefore avoiding having to deal with being imperfect. A binge which is not followed by a purge as you can imagine quite literally knocks you out of the ball park. After a binge, I can hardly move, I can hardly think, my whole body aches so fucking much. All the while I have a twisted sense of not being responsible for giving up. I am one who in the past has all to willingly claimed to be “ill”. It’s not me, it’s the “illness”.
Strangely enough, being hospitalized has worked in a likewise manner for me. I didn’t need to go out in the world performing all those roles I was afraid of messing up. I just had to be the basket case, a role and identity that made me feel special. If someone asks me now what I would like most to happen, I would say I would just want to disappear for a while, magically returning when I’ve lost some pounds. And incidentally, this is what a hospitalization could do for me: I could disappear out of the world. This is probably why I always loved the loony bin and this is why perhaps going into asylum isn’t the best strategy for me. I would have to decline.
But then they threw me a curve ball. New in their program at the ED ward was the option of day treatment (if the person is not underweight). And as soon as they said that, my brain was tilting: ‘”What do I have to lose?” I’m not doing shitfuck while at home: I watch TV, roam the web, walk the dog, sleep and eat my motherfucking brains out. It would be just like going to work (working on myself), and still have every evening and the weekends for a so-called life.
Actually, I do have something to lose: the aspiration of eating my perfect diet, which is raw vegan. They evidently won’t allow that there. Vegetarian is ok, vegan isn’t, and I don’t know if they even heard about raw vegan. But let’s be honest: I haven’t been able to eat in such a manner since this summer, my diet as of late has been cruel towards animals and towards myself. What do I really have left to lose?
My partner was excited as well about the prospect. Truthfully, he has been suffering as hell. He is the one I turn to now to pick up the pieces, and I can see on his face I’m taking him down with me.
So I said yes.
What is your opinion about the loony bin?
Reference: Asylum!
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011 – 2013.
Viewing your photographs causes such intense grip at my heart. Not only do the emotions in your face resemble mine from that time period, but the dress, the hair, the poses with friends… we were so Courtney Love! If you had access to my photo albums from the mid 90s, you would see just the same. The simple act of viewing your photographs offers me a sense of connection; and that is my intention for The Panel. To create a sense of connection. You have accomplished that.
Reading about your first kiss causes my cheeks to flush. Reading about your first heartbreak causes my heart to sink. It is really nice to have a friend than can create such emotional response in me. Not often does that happen.
Although I could never put myself into a similar situation, I know that attending the day programme is perfect for you. You’re an academic. You’re a believer in a standardised school system. You react well to formal assignments and measurements. I think, based on what I’ve read, that you will react well to a formalised system of controlling the Binge. I want to know exactly how they train / educate you to do this. Will they counsel you to remove the Binge food groups? Will they counsel you to eat ‘normally’? As you know, normal is subjective, to me. What do the head doctors consider to be normal? Disordered? Oh Christ, can you imagine me in an ED hospital lecture? I’d make the professor / psychotherapist cry. Ha!
I think that you can pass on some of the tips and tricks that you learn whilst attending Loony Bin University, helping our readers who can’t and won’t attend such programme (for reasons of financial, stubbornness, etcetera)… and that will be just marvellous!!!
Waiting with absolute positive bated breath for your return from the first day of ‘school’. Please update your readers very soon! Thank you for writing such an amazing piece. I love you! <3
xoxoxo
I’m way to tired to think straight. Will respond later. XX
I already must know more!
I want separate blog articles that detail specific descriptions on:
i.) The Food Plan
ii.) The People, fellow inmates
iii.) The People, head doctors
iv.) Geert
v.) YOU
I want it all, as you can write it! As you can conjure ideas to share with your readers.
Waiting.
Patiently.
xo
finally, a bit of time, I’m sitting here, on the ED ward after a really dated computer, I don’t know if the internet will hold out.
The one music line I will never forget “I want to be the girl with the most cake” – C. Love. haha.
I never thought of it that way: being an academic and therefore craving a structure like this. Perhaps. But I don’t think of myself as an academic, and even if I did: I study cultural history, barely a real discipline! Part of me will always want to be an artist. But see Jessica’s comment: artists crave the notion of the tortured genius, so maybe different parts of my (desired) personality feels at home in the loony bin :-) Although: I hate it here, I’m already contemplating giving up. The food…the hot meal messes me up the most, it’s just grey hospital food, no way I can consider that desirable or healthy. The girls of my group are very sweet, but on average 16 years old. All anorexics. It’s hard to relate. Mostly of the age thing though.
I fullheartedly agree that normal is subjective and the staff here recognizes that, they see normal as socially acceptable. For a just a little bit now, that is better than whatever I was doing at home, but I doubt that when I feel stronger and more in control, I wouldn’t want to go back to my idea of normal. I just want to stop the bingeing to begin with, and yes, I need help with that, I wish I was stronger and do it on my own, my own way, but the goal justifies the means I guess
love you
I want to comment more later when I have more time on disordered vs “normal” though I don’t actually like the word normal.
In the meantime, I’d just like to say that I love all these articles coming from the panel. Can I ask how many people you plan to have commenting at this point?
And congrats to Sonja on taking the steps that she believe will help her have a better quality of life.
MG, So very delighted that you love The Panel! At this point, five persons exist on The Panel. There is currently no schedule. It’s all very at free will, based on writers’ inspiration, time, willingness to share, etcetera. But, I am opening up the forum for anyone who wants to publish here. They simply need submit their request to me, using the Contact Form. :)
in relation to the question of “normality”, Nicole, a quote I know you will like:
“…if you are not like everybody else, then you are abnormal, if you are abnormal , then you are sick. These three categories, not being like everybody else, not being normal and being sick are in fact very different but have been reduced to the same thing”
― Michel Foucault
I’m playing the academic again :-)
“I am in fact a very cowardice person.” Actually you’re a very COWARDLY person.
“I allowed life to halter.” No, you haltered your life, or you allowed life to halt.
Seriously Sonja, put down the Nicole Kool Aid and the thesaurus.
Correction: The NicoleAndGwendolyn kool-aid. And it’s calorie free! ;)
Wow asshole how’s your grammar and vocab in your non-native language?
Hear ye! Hear ye!
English isn’t Sonja’s first language. But I don’t even like making that qualification here because I’ve always thought that she communicates far better–with more humor, emotion, and intelligence–than many native speakers do in their blogs.
Merriam whatever, sorry that you cannot read beyond grammar. I have had English articles published in academic journals, and yes, they were in dire need of some proofreading and editing. I don’t think there’s any shame in that. In Belgium, English isn’t even our second language. French is. German is third, although I do feel more comfortable in English.
Alex, Anna, thank you for reading beyond the grammar, it means a lot.
Sonja, You handled that a lot more delicately than I would have done. I can’t even be nice in my first language (Queen’s English, ha ha), let alone my second and third-in-progress! ;)
Is it bad of me I really liked being all like “o, but I actually am a published author in English – neener-neener”? I would probably roll my eyes if someone else said something like that :-)
PS: Don’t fuck with pretty Sonja simply because you have beef with moi. Btw, do you eat beef? If not, what is your dietary standard? So curious to learn more of what the fabulous dictionary eats! ;)
Considering Nicole is such a “perfectionist” I don’t think it’s a far stretch to expect her to edit guest posts for grammar. You, of all people, Anna Wintour should agree. Can you imagine such glaring grammatical errors in your gorgeous pages of Vogue? What a faux pas.
All suggested edits are approved by The Panel before publishing.
No Merriam, I can’t imagine it in Vogue. But this is hardly Vogue, no matter what Nicole’s ambitions may be. I just think it’s a bit cruel to pounce on these errors–I see Sonja as the humane and insightful voice on N&G. Sonja’s and Jess’s (future) contributions are the only reasons for me to read here.
But maybe I’m biased, because I’ve experienced a lot of what Sonja has with the allure of hospitalization. As a teenager I was my most social and “normal” in institutions. I made real friends, and fell in love with a skateboarder who visited me after he was discharged. (A nurse was kind enough to allow us to dance in the visiting room.) This piece touched on something that I don’t often see detailed–the odd peace that the alienated can experience in a hospital–and her record of it was so intimate and dear that yes, I could care less about such errors. She is a skillful writer with a genuine voice that doesn’t rely on sensationalism or attacks, and she should be encouraged.
Querida Señorita Wintour!!!
I am simply delighted to know that you are reading here!!! I honestly must admit that I’ve not purchased a single of your American publications since 2003 except for that which regarded the article that spurred my quintessentially renowned Is it Vogue to restrict at the age of seven?” masterpiece (which earned me the gorgeous friendship of my older sister Cassy, the respect of my freaking hilarous friend Yasha, and, in fact, many of the GOMI lovers, including you, I believe. So, miss haughty taughty… why do you read me? Clearly such a significant publisher would not devour moi to simply attack… but you must have a financial gain in mind! How can I make money for Vogue? That is my question. ;) Love you lots! ;) xoxoxo
PS There were some grammatical errors in the reply which I published 3 minutes ago. Have fixed those now. Thanks for your grammar pardon, Ms. Wintour! ;)
Anna, wow, this is such a great comment. I love everything about it – well, duh, your saying nice things about me, but just the fact that someone knows exactly what I’m talking about… I can imagine you were smiling the same wary smile as I did, when looking back to those days. Anna, I will replicate said bias gladly any time anywhere when needed!
I think different things work for different people and there is no cookie cutter approach to recovery. With that being said, it sounds like a day treatment program is an excellent option for you. Good luck and kudos for taking steps to get well.
*Also, your syntax and vocabulary are quite impressive for someone who speaks English as a second language. You conveyed your messge beautifully! Or, your message was beautifully conveyed. However, you prefer to state it. Lol.
Kelli, How is disordered eating something from which a person must recover? How is it NOT something that a person must simply fix?
What is the difference between the two, as you see it?
Disordered eating is a bad habit.
It is not a sickness.
Fix the bad habit.
Don’t spend a lifetime dwelling on the emotions and daily failures relating to the bad habit.
That’s just a matter of semantics for me. I agree that disordered eating can be nothing more than a bad habit or just a learned pattern of behaviors; however, I can’t say that disordered eating is never a sickness. Lots of hypotheses out there about the true cause, but no definitive answers. I think recovering/fixing the problem can require different things from different people. Some people can just stop the pattern cold turkey, while others require a more gradual process.
Totally agree.
My gradual process was 11.5 years, and at day’s end, I’d be a raging bulimic again.
On 4 July 2010, I turned it off, like a switch.
So this blog and my theory is always 100% what works for me.
And for Gwendolyn:)
That’s really inspiring to me. : )
Your comment has just made me smile! Thank you so much for it:)
I couldn’t agree more, different things work for different people, but I really like what Sara brought to the table in her panel contribution: brutal honosty with oneself.
I still am not sure whether or not this will turn out to be the right step for me, but being as stuck as I was I kind of think any step was a good one. thanks for your comment!
Firstly, the rude comment about grammar irks me. Sonja has a far better grasp of English than most people, and it is not her first/native language. Perhaps looking at the language in the first picture might have been a good idea before leaving such an ignorant remark.
I don’t think being hospitalized, forcibly or voluntarily, should ever be seen as a failure. And the ‘loony bin’ is in fact anything but – often the most talented and brilliant people are subject to the greatest demons. Really, it’s the ‘normal’ people I worry about the most. The film ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ will forever stay in my mind in relation to judging exactly who is ‘sane’ (I can’t watch that film any more – I’ve only seen it once and it made me so furious, upset and distressed that I never watched it again. No other film has ever had such an extreme effect on me).
I think the day option sounds good for you, honestly. I think perhaps a certain amount of institutionalisation can occur with multiple stays in hospital, and with day treatment you’re still receiving help and support but without being taken out of your ‘triggering’ environment. Because really what hospital does is ‘fix’ people and teach them how to cope in one particular environment – it doesn’t equip anyone for how to truly cope in the ‘real’ world.
I sympathise with your self-sabotage immensely. I can’t cope with the pressure of being an adult either, the weight of expectation always crushing me…it’s a rebellion in some ways against the world, on my part, refusing to ‘cope’ as others ‘have’ to. I find being a failure and stuck in the same old routine comforting on the level that it is the manifestation of the low opinion I have of myself, but it’s also stifling and oppressive. Yet doing anything else seems impossible…
xxx
I own that film and shall be viewing it tonight! Cannot remember its details (aside from hottie Jack being its star), so now I’m super intrigued.
thanks Jessica :o)
the tortured genius, such a romantic commonplace. I wonder if I (and others) feel the need to model us to such a stereotype (subconsciously or not) in order to feel special, smart or whatever. And of coarse, not everyone in here is such a character, there are some plain weirdo’s too, haha. No really, thank you for such a gentle and well thought over respond.
Am I right in that you finished the first draft of your thesis? That to me signals you are anything but a failure, and that there’s hope for you yet :-) What I mean is that as I see it that with all the crap going on that pulls you down and all the self sabotage you nonetheless finished your “job”. I couldn’t write these past months (with the exception of these blog pieces) if my life depended on it. I really admire you actually.
XX
Beautiful share. Thank you, Sonja.
Beautiful comment. Thank you, Maria. xo
thank you maria!
Oh Sonja! How can you call yourself a coward if you have the balls to make that step to try your options! Cowardice would mean ignoring them, or giving up. You are doing neither of those!
I completely agree with your view on why you use bingeing as a way to dodge life, to dodge responsibilities. By making myself sick, I have an ‘excuse’ to not perform perfectly. It is my disease that gets between me and the straight A’s. It’s a calculated mistake. Like not studying until almost too late; you can tell you didn’t ace your exams because you only started studying the night before instead of a week or more. That way a C is still acceptable, (Hey I got a C without studying!), whereas a A- without studying would feel like utter failure. For me, it is; I made it through Uni with C’s even though I had a severe eating disorder, isn’t that an accomplishment? Instead of having to tell that I made it through Uni with B+’s and studying hard with a healthy mind.
I can imagine how a clinic can feel like another excuse, another way to ‘dodge real life’, so to speak. But I applaud you for giving it (another) shot, for taking in what could be useful, and trying to implement it back into your daily life. That is courageous, not at all cowardice!
(PS; I think your English is magnificent. Way better than mine, so I’m totally jealous!)
(Oh and I love your posts. You should think about (re)opening a blog again!)
I second this motion.
So with the day treatment option, is it something where you turn yourself in, spend 1 day there, and then go home at night? Or do you turn yourself in, spend the night there, then go home the next day? Is this something you would plan on only doing once or as often as you felt necessary? Do you feel you would take it more seriously if you could come and go as you please? Or would your mind just be stuck in a repetitive loop focused on the binge that you want to have when you get home that night/the next day? Would you be able to implement that structure for yourself when you left for the day? If you think that you could, then I say try it!
You absolutely HAVE to believe in yourself for this to work, Sonja! You have to believe that you’re worth the effort. Especially since you will probably never look at yourself in the mirror and think you are “perfect” by some irrational standard. No matter how much weight I lost, I was never “perfect”. I always thought, “Just 5 more pounds and I’ll be happy. I’ll be perfect.” And I was never happy after those 5 pounds. Never. I’ve since changed the way I think. Now, I’m 20 pounds heavier than my lowest weight and I currently deem myself to be perfect! I am perfect by MY standards and by MY body (as it functions best and is happiest at this weight) and I hear from friends, my boyfriend, and even total strangers alike every day that I am beautiful. No one told me I was beautiful when I was at my lowest weight. That’s because I was never confident when I was thinner. I never thought I WAS beautiful. Now I think I am. And it shows from the inside out.
Get that mindset, and you’ll be free from all of this. I don’t binge anymore. I don’t purge anymore. I don’t restrict anymore. I watch what I eat, but don’t obsess and don’t deprive myself of anything I want. You can do it, too! If I can, anyone can!
When you felt you were “recovered” for 6 years, were you happy?