Not often do I feel alone, but, yesterday, between the hours of 11am and noon, I did.
Walking through the shopping mall; hand, leashless; heart, disgusted; I scurried past the greasy smell of Auntie Anne’s Pretzels and of the ho-ho-ho exclaiming Santa Clause who made imaginary promises to hopeful children. Feeling like a zombie was an understatement, but I was forced into this shopping mecca to have my MacBook Pro’s track pad replaced.
Fake conversations with the oh-so-dorky Apple Store man and with the annoying, newly hired take-out-girl for my veganised luau chicken salad later, I was home to Gwendolyn. And happy.
And we chose to fly away to the enchanted forest. ’Twas the prettiest November day of my life, except for my fat, which, of course, I am working upon.
No worries. The UnderArmour sweat pants paint the image of fat legs. But my legs, stationed at a conventional American Size Zero Point Five, are not fat. They are simply unacceptable to moi. Yet Gwendolyn sees me as perfect. She loves me without judgement.
Gwendolyn is perfect.
What makes you feel lonely, and how do you fill that void with love?
© Nicole Marie Story Enterprises, LLC and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011, 2012.
Aw :( When you feel like you’re alone, remember your loyal blog followers and realise that you are not! Hope you are feeling better post-walk with Gwendolyn?
Awwwwwwwww! Was just buying a coffee at the shoppe whilst moderating your comment, and the older chit chatty Benz men just said, “hey, nicole! Why the big smile?” (In that early 80s mafia sort of way). :)
They also said, “Where’s Gwendolyn?” :)
Haha, brilliant :D
Isn’t it crazy how we can be in a room FULL of people, yet feel more alone then when we are actually alone. This has been happening to me a lot lately. In the grocery store, in spin class, at the car dealership. Never have I felt so alone. I have a lot of shit I need to clearly fix in my life if this is what I have come to. One small problem arises with me and I feel completely alone. Anyway, these photos are gorgeous..I need to get myself a Gwendolyn, or a Nicole and G combo. Shit I should just come live with you.
Ah, though, Brittany…notice you didn’t even get a faux invitation to become a roommate because you’ve come surprisingly close to hitting the heart of a Big Issue with our Nicole. She can be “close” with people as long as the Internet lies between her and them and she can be close physically with animals…but close physical proximity to real physical people? Can’t deal with it. Explosions in her head. She has to immediately pull out her phone and focus on that or keep her computer in front of her so she can focus on that. All this talk about a “sperm donor”? Pure fantasy. You, dear Britanny, as do most functional adults define “loneliness” in terms of a longing for the presence of other people. Note that to our Nicole, the solution is taking her dog into the “enchanted forest” where they can be….ready for this? All. Alone.
Who are we to judge how someone should fix their loneliness? Shit, there are times that I feel alone and my cats do the trick. Yes, I do enjoy being around other people sometimes, but there isn’t anything wrong in my opinion with spending time with a pet. I have always said my pets will be my children. In these moments where I felt alone in a group of people, I felt less alone when I came home and wait for it..actually was alone.
Oh, dahling, I love you!!!
Allow me to propose that you join the NicoleAndGwendolyn team on a gorgeous adventure in the enchanted forest. I normally allow Gwendolyn to run off leash because she loves it! (This particular trail as featured in this blog article is a leashed location hence the leash – although, clearly, I walked many yards away from Gwendolyn to snap these photographs, hehe). I imagine you running and Gwendolyn chasing you because that is what she does! She loves to chase runners. (see: Go!!!!!!!!!).
So I pretend to be a runner, every mile or so. :) I do not like that you are feeling lonely, but it definitely lends itself to discovering who you are, what you need, and where to go next. You are young, fun, skinny, and pretty. Seize the world by the balls, girlfriend. Mwah! :D
And for the records, JSG, there was a sperm donor. But he is no longer a part of my life after eight years of nothingness. Cold turkey has been implemented for more than just diet.
How many battery changes have you had to make over the course of 8 years? You might want to consider an update. Feminine Stimulation technology is in a constant state of flux. If you say this was a real flesh-and-blood human male…well…you’ll need to offer a bit more proof than yet another declaration via keyboard.
You’ve never read about Pug Guy?
Hahahahaha!! You are so creative!
Misunderstandings make me feel lonely. I wish I had someone like Gwendolyn to come home to.
I am extremely happy for you, that you have her. Here’s a hug (*hug*) for when you feel lonely. I hope you never do.
“Gwendolyn sees me as perfect. She loves me without judgement.” – :’)
Thank you for your hug, birdie!
It is very nice and appreciated.
Misunderstandings. Oh, I totally get what you are saying. Isn’t it funny of how well we can know someone that we’ve never physically met?
You hereby are the recipient of a reciprocated hug.
xoxoxo
It’s not so strange to me, actually. The way I see it, physical proximity has nothing to do with understanding each other mentally/emotionally. Nor is what I’m saying culturally-specific.
That, I think, illustrates something that many people have failed to understand: People are pretty much similar all over the world :)
Crowded shopping malls make me incredibly frustrated and completely grumpy. I just can’t handle them. In fact, I try to only go to the mall after work during the week (read: not on a Friday night) when I do have to go, but sometimes it just can’t be helped.
I struggle with anxiety occasionally and also have the “feeling alone in a crowded room” situation from time to time, and it makes me sad. Like you did, I typically have to escape for a bit in nature and take a walk. I think there is a vast difference between solitude and loneliness.
Oh, Erika! You always put some kind of punch into your commentary that really prompts me to think! “I think there is a vast difference between solitude and loneliness.” I could not agree more! I love walking through a crowded street in New York. This scenarios is completely not a state of solitude. But one is alone. Surrounded by life. To me, that is perfect. But in the enchanted forest? One exists in a state of solitude. And one is alone. Surrounded by life of nature. To me, that is also perfect. The shopping mall? It just seems cold and unnecessary to me, although I understand its importance to the economy. I shall stick to the internet for my fashion buyings. :)
I love that you say that your legs are not fat, just unacceptable for yourself. Yes!
I have a very ambivalent relationship with loneliness. I generally love being alone, thrive on being able to do my own thing, even within the beautiful and strong relationship I share with Geert (it probably makes our relationship so beautiful to me). But solitude is not the same as loneliness as Erika pointed out. I crave solitude, But I guess I often seek out loneliness as well, just to feel safe, to feel like no one is judging me, no one is seeing me. But then I am alone with my own thoughts, and I am my own worst critic, so I end up being judged in the harshest of ways anyway. And then I feel really alone, and I just want someone to reinforce me, so I seek out attention all sorts of ways (in part by ED behaviour). But this attention seeking forces people to judge me, which ultimately freaks me out, so I seek out loneliness………………
I love Gwendolyn’s pics, she’s such a lucky dog.
Love you as a…X
How weird is it that I completely followed your train of thought and got it, 100%, because I have experienced it, although I do not consider the ED to be an attention thing for me, as you know, but rather an extreme adoration for tasting cheesy pizza! I am so curious if you will be doing these sorts of hiking activities with little Indie! Gwendolyn was age three before we ever entered the enchanted forest. When her eye herniated from the socket, she was unable to walk aggressively for two months, and she needed to steer clear of other animals because the interest in them could have caused the eye to pop again (she had plastic surgery, a canthoplasty, which has since resolved this matter). So I took her to the enchanted forest. And we have never looked back. :) Love you! x x x x x x x x x
I used to feel incredibly alone my freshman year of college. I would try to surround myself with people, but oftentimes, I felt the same lonely feeling that I felt when I isolated myself in my dorm room where I forced myself to take two hour naps after not eating for several hours.
But remember your blog friends and Gwendolyn. We’re here for you :)
I thought about something yesterday. “If someone that I loved demanded that I delete my blog in order to continue our relationship, would I do such a thing?” The answer? No. Because I love my blog friendships, and they are important to me, and these discussions are important to me. They are a significant part of me. And I all too well know the napping after not eating feeling (before venturing into bulimic territory in 1999). So glad that you no longer feel lonely, lovely. xoxoxo
Heart uds! Can’t wait to see you two In a few weeks! Lets Skype soon :-)
OH I heart you more than anything (next to Gwendolyn)!!!
That is a significant reservation.
Skype, indeed!!! :)
I used to experience the same thing you describe. The lonely feeling would creep up on me out of nowhere. (Myers Briggs test tells me I’m an extrovert, and perhaps I am. I am energized when around others, but I do like my alone time as well). I could be with a crowd of friends, one on one, or completely alone and feel that lonely feeling, like I was trapped behind an invisible tall brick wall. Fortunately, over the past 4 or 5 years, I’ve become a different person, and I experience those ‘lonely lulls’ less frequently. When I do, I make myself exercise because it improves my outlook tremendously.
Hoping you’ve had a great day today : )
You are my role model!
I do not know how to express my thoughts on our relationship any better!
I do not know what I am. When around people, I do the dog and pony show. I am the extroverted cheerleader.
But behind closed doors? I do not like any noise. Even the television bugs me for extended periods of times (I shall go for months without viewing it).
So what am I?
Myers Briggs will most likely output that I am Nicole Marie Story. :D
There are times when I am alone and I don’t feel lonely and there are times when I am alone and I feel lonely, and there are times when I am not alone and I feel lonely.
I can feel lonely when everyone in my entourage is out doing something fun on the weekend and I feel left out. I can feel lonely when I see lovers walking hand in hand in Paris and I am by myself .
When I feel lonely I call my family in France. I have spoken to my mum and sister at 3am their time a few times. ;)
The best situation: being alone but not feeling lonely.
Even better situation: being in a companionship, but still enjoying alone time and not feeling lonely.
xoxoxoxoxo
Francoise
Everything that you have written speaks directly to my heart, and this makes me so happy to have such a parallel philosophy with a pretty, thin French girl who has become one of my very dearest friends. I second everything that you’ve written although I have yet to experience the observation of lovers holding hands in Paris; but I certainly have rung my sister at 3am her time, and she is always there for me. I love you! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Gwendolyn is so adorable! Its a strange one but I very rarely feel ‘alone’ and when I am actually on my own its something I quite enjoy. Last week in London I loved every minute of walking the streets, drinking coffee and shopping on my own. But I was glad to get back to James at the end.